Separated - seeing married man plus others - complicated

[ByronsMummy]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I separated from my husband 7 mths ago but due to finances are having to live together. I started seeing a married man I knew from way back. We fell in love quickly. He is emotionally and sexually inexperienced having only ever had sex with his wife and no other relationships at all. He doesn't know what normal is. After they had kids, no more sex, for several years now. No affection. She refuses to discuss the situation. He is deeply unhappy at home but can't quite find the confidence to leave. In an effort to stop putting pressure on him and feeling so frustrated, I told him I'd move on and start dating other men. Although upset, he accepted this and knows he risks the chance I might meet someone and fall in love.

This brings me onto the 2nd part. OLD! God, I've been messed around so much. The ones that are super keen are quite frankly not my type. The ones I like seem to be playing the field and communication is sporadic. They suggest dates but when it comes to nearer the time, no contact. I've told several to forget it and blocked them. One particular guy I met once and we got on great. There is real chemistry there. He blames his long shifts on the lack of communication and dates. We live over an hour from each other so whilst I see this as not exactly handy, it's not impossible. We had discussed a date for this Sat. I was going to visit him. He said he needed to find out what his teenage son was upto first. When I asked him if there was any update. He said he was seeing his son soon and would ask. That was 2 days ago and not heard a thing. AIBU to think he's not that bothered or maybe he is seeing someone else and trying to keep me in reserve?


Sorry this is a long post. Am I trying to juggle too many balls (lol) as am still seeing the married man! I know I'm an idiot but I do really love him. I'm thinking about chucking the towel in with it all tbh.

What does anybody think? What advice would you give me?

Thank you if you've read this far!! xxx

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think you need some time alone - no men and no dating - to find out what you really want out of life. You've only been separated for 7 months, maybe take some time out just for you?

Are you, perhaps, trying to show your XH that you are still desirable and that other men fancy you?

[Isetan]

Sex starved MM, that old chestnut. I'm not sure what advice you're after but how about not lurching from one unsatisfactory relationship to another.

Tip: being in luuuuurve is no excuse to sleep with a married man. Try uncomplicating your personal life by having some standards.

[Viviennemary]

First I don't think you should believe the married man's situation is necessarily what he's saying. But sounds a better tale than I'm quite happily married but I like a change now and again. As for the other man doesn't sound as if he's very keen. Why not take a step back and stop hunting for the perfect man especially if he's married to somebody else. And it's not very ideal still living with your ex.

[luckyDuvet]

Give it a rest, too much too soon.

[Myheartbelongsto]

Juggling too many balls.

You are vile.

[Catinthecorner]

Really. You believed that claptrap that every single married man looking to cheat uses?

I suppose why be original or believable when someone will believe anything

[pallasathena]

I think you're caught up in too much drama of your own making. Time to be a grown up maybe?

[Willowy]

OP what if his wife finds out? This will have a backlash no doubt.

If I was you I would drop seeing the married man and as others have suggested spend sometime reconnecting with yourself. Too much drama here.

[Dozer]

Being the OW is a shit thing to do.

Sort out your separation and living arrangements asap.

[Piratesandpants]

He can’t quite find the confidence to leave - bless, he sounds so sweet

[Lelloteddy]

Get yourself an STI screen pronto.

[userxx]

The married man might be telling the truth, I know couples who don't have sex anymore. In an ideal world he should have addressed the issues in his marriage and left his wife before getting involved with you.

You haven't been separated from your husband for very long, I would stay single for a good while. Why the rush for another man.

[PortiaCastis]

what advice would you give me

The married man's feeding you a lot of bullshit for a start I'm divorced and have heard the no sex old trope so many times from dates who turned out to be married I just laugh if I hear it now. It's a lot of shite and sounds needy, so run run run as fast as you can from another womens husband.

[Junebugjr]

I would get another hobby.
What's the rush to try and get another man as fast as possible

[MorganFreeman]

Don't you feel bad about seeing a married man?

[dangerrabbit]

Wow, so much drama for half a year separated. This "love" you speak of sounds superficial and based on physical attraction. There has not been enough time for a deeper attachment to grow. Maybe spend some time alone to reflect on what you want from a relationship.

[ByronsMummy]

Thanks for the replies. I know I sound like a bad person and am bringing this all on myself. Why the rush you ask. Well, I have suffered from depression most of my life and now have a horrible feeling of impending doom. My Dad has terminal lung cancer and I just can't help feeling that my world is going to end very soon. I just want a bit of happiness and to feel loved. It's a cliche I know. I'm feeling sorry for myself and am being selfish. I was diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia this year, on top of being not quite profoundly deaf, which has resulted in me taking time out of studying for my degree. I'm not coping very well atm, trying to keep things amicable with my hubby as we continue to house share, for my sons sake (who has aspergers and doesn't cope well with change).

Not sure why I am trying to explain myself, I expect to get more negative comments anyway. I guess I shouldn't have posted in the first place.

[TheNaze73]

Stop fucking married people would be my only advice. There are no mitigating circumstances to justify this. He needs to leave her, not your problem

[magoria]

You only separated from your H 7 months ago.

You are in a very vulnerable place.

The first man you fall for is a cheater... He probably saw you coming a mile off.

He probably loved his wife. Look at what he is happy to do to her.

Take a break from men. Get some help with all the stuff you are going through and sort it all out before looking for anything else.

[userxx]

A man will not help with your depression and anxiety, if anything it's going to add to your issues. Are you on medication? I know the sense of impending doom, it's terrifying but you are not going to die, there is no rush for the last chance of happiness. Take men out of the equation and concentrate on yourself and your mental health.

[bonfireheart]

I had to support my dying mum last year, it didn't make me go out shagging random people!

[ByronsMummy]

When did I mention shagging random people? Yes, I've made the mistake of falling for a married man. That's not the crime of the century. From reading posts on MN, this is quite common although not excusable obviously.
If my post gives people the opportunity to get some frustration out by slagging me off then fine, I'm happy for you.

[AngryBurds]

Well given you're having such an awful time of it, OP pls don't add "making poor sexual choices" or "guilt" onto your list of woes.

Shagging a married man isn't actually going to make you feel any better in the long run.

[ScipioAfricanus]

A lot of the points are about the likelihood that the married man is lying about his sexless marriage and therefore you are investing in a person who isn’t going to give you a lasting or worthwhile relationship. Every friend I have or person I know of who has had an affair with a married man seems to have met these poor sex-starved ones who have such cold and distant wives - it is a bit of a coincidence. Unless the wife confirms the relationship I wouldn’t believe it. And as someone with chronic illness whose husband doesn’t get as much sex always as he might like, I don’t necessarily find it a valid reason for affairs anyway! I also think it’s morally wrong to have affairs but that isn’t bashing you - we all do things we think we wouldn’t at times. For your own sake, I’d get out of that relationship. Ideally I think time on your own after your separation would be the best option but if not maybe just carry on with OLD casually. I have a friend who has been doing OLD for 10 years and only just now met someone where it’s turned into something longer term. I think you do have to kiss a lot of frogs, probably.

[AnyFucker]

These men are not enriching your life

I don't expect you want to hear this...but had you thought about spending a good chunk of time without a man in tow ?