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OH Affair with Mum at school

(359 Posts)

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Honeycake50 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:46:22

Somebody please offer some advice. I don't know where to turn.

I found out 12days ago OH has been having a 2 month affair with a fellow mum in dd class at school. I suspected there was something there as there was always some flirtation, but never expected this. The only reason the affair stopped is because her OH found out.

I know every single explicit detail - they did everything, everywhere, including the kids rooms in both houses when I and her OH were at work. I know every single message to each other as her OH found it on her phone. A lot of I love you's, talking about the future amongst all the late night phone sex and dirty talk after the coast was clear and I would be in bed.

My OH says he deeply regrets it and realised he didnt have these feelings he thought for her, he told me he was going to 'end it' after we got back from our summer holiday. But I now know the reason he kept on disappearing from me and kids every 2 mins was to message or call her whilst she was on her holiday. They were also planning to meet up a couple of the days after we got back. So I dont see much ending it there.

I feel sick, I am losing weight - we have been together 20+ years. It was our anniversary last week which he sent me flowers, I cannot even look at him. I threw him out the day I discovered this news. It's his birthday this weekend also which I cannot celebrate but feel I should do something for the kids and try and keep things as normal as possible for them.

He says he is sorry and has answered some questions - but he feels very uncomfortable. He just wants it all to go away and start planning
a new future, this is what he wants. But he said to her many times he would be ostracized from everything including his kids, school, family the lot. That was his main worry.

Some of his story is different to hers (I met up with her also to hear what she had to say, very hard not to smack her in the face!). But I needed to hear.

What now? What do I do, I just dont know. I find it very hard to forgive something like this or even go near him. I always said I could never forgive anyone if they did this to me.

I have not confided in anybody yet as I need some time. If I confide in my family members that will be the end of it so I need to figure this out.

Have kept it as brief as possible, I can go on... As I said, I know EVERY SINGLE THING, words to each other, comments, sexual encounters (5 times) and what they were, and so on.

For the record our 8 year marriage was good, normal, busy etc. Even he says there was nothing wrong, somebody just made him feel like he was very important and fun to be with. He now realises it was just a mad but emotional affair.

The other couple are going through marriage counselling and trying to make it work. Although the other woman has admitted she still has feelings for my OH but slowly moving away from those since she knows he wants nothing more to do with her as he is trying to save his marriage.

What TF now?

riseandfall Thu 19-Oct-17 10:49:13

I honestly don't know what to say but couldn't just read and run. Hugs for you and sure better people with advice will be along soon flowers

QuilliamCakespeare Thu 19-Oct-17 10:49:22

Christ. What a shit. I don't know how I'd get past this personally. flowers for you.

Nanny0gg Thu 19-Oct-17 10:52:00

I know every single explicit detail - they did everything, everywhere, including the kids rooms in both houses when I and her OH were at work.

I couldn't get past that.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 19-Oct-17 10:54:17

They only had sex five times but they made a point of doing it in their children's bedrooms? That is GRIM and not something I could get past.

TheVanguardSix Thu 19-Oct-17 10:56:14

Time? If you can have the patience to see what time will tell, then really it's down to time and counselling. God I feel for you. I don't know if I'd be able to give time a chance to heal. Will you heal? Only you will know.

What do you feel, above all else, you need?

ElsieMc Thu 19-Oct-17 11:00:30

It sounds as though it would have carried on if her OH had not found out. It appears to match with him arranging to see her after she returned from holiday so this is why their story does not match up.

I know you want to keep it from your family, but you are denying yourself love and support at a very difficult time. You are worried that once they find out they will never accept your husband again. Don't put his security first, put yours and your childrens. Please get some RL support. After all, she is having "counselling" to assist her and her marriage. What about what you want?

Cricrichan Thu 19-Oct-17 11:00:45

I tried to forgive my ex's cheating but I didn't trust him after that and he didn't make it easy for me to trust him. Plus he also laid some of the blame on me.

I think it's worth giving him a chance but I think you should separate for the time being. Make sure that you both really want and are able to get past it.

I cheated when I was younger. But I was in a different country to my boyfriend . When I saw him again, I realised that actually, I did really love my boyfriend and we were together for many years after that (and I've never cheated again).

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 19-Oct-17 11:04:01

The advice on here for people who want to save their relationship is that the cheating partner has to be transparent and honest and that includes accepting that other people will know what they've done and think badly of them for it. So tell your friends and family. Let them support you. It's what you need that's important not what he wants.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Thu 19-Oct-17 11:05:51

He just wants it to go away? Well it isn’t going to. He cannot brush it under the carpet and neither should you let him. If you and I mean you decide to give it another try then he has to do everything it takes to make it work, and take full responsibility. His includes giving you time and space. To me it sounds like he’s been caught, said sorry and is more worried about saving face at the school gate.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 19-Oct-17 11:09:27

And DON'T do anything for his birthday.

Honeycake50 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:14:36

Maybe I am protecting him by not telling my family but I think I am protecting myself also. IF things did work out again (currently that's not in my head at all) then I feel they would tell me I would be crazy to take him back.

He regrets every single thing. the other woman told me they had plans to meet after holiday. She was/is besotted with him but slowly moving away from these feelings.

I have to see this f'ing woman twice a day at school drop offs and pick ups for the next few years, it makes me feel ill just to know that. They did everything sexually in their 5 encounters and were even planning a 'day' hotel visit.

I feel I need time, yes. I feel I need some kind of help from someone to determine where we go from here but I am very strong and my children come first. I do not want them affected - yet - they think their dad is working a lot and leaves early every morning etc. He has seen them in between .

I just don't know .. he has just asked if we could talk about it again at the weekend. All he tells me is how sorry he is and how we can move on. It's not as bloody simple as that though. Have lost 100% respect and feelings for this man I thought loved me, which is maintains he does.

He likened me to an 'annoying little sister' when he described to her what it's like being married to me.. uggh... so much more I could tell you but no need. He says he made the worst choice ever in his life.

mrsRosaPimento Thu 19-Oct-17 11:17:41

Fuck that! Kick him out.

scootinFun Thu 19-Oct-17 11:17:45

I couldn’t move past it - he’d be gone.

scootinFun Thu 19-Oct-17 11:18:09


Mommasoph30 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:18:42

he need to live with the choice, hes only sorry he got caught,
How can you ever trust him again and how old are the children? How disrespectful of the kids that go to the same school.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Thu 19-Oct-17 11:20:07

The first thing is that you don't have to do anything until you are ready to. He doesn't get to decide when or if you move on from this nor how you move on.

It is still very early days so give yourself time to think about what you want. If he starts pushing you to make decisions tell him to back off. He doesn't get to set the agenda to make it easier to deal with his feelings of discomfort. He didn't respect or worry about your feelings when he was having the affair and you don't need to worry about or respect his feelings when you are coming to terms with what has happened.

londonista Thu 19-Oct-17 11:20:33

Sorry to say, I'd have to move on I think. It's a bit too much to be considered a "moment of madness".

Start making some plans, OP. Best of luck.

user1495451339 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:21:52

Poor you! An affair of this kind is the worst as you were happy but he chose to throw away everything for a little bit of ego boosting. Well the ball is in your court. Personally, if possible I would ask him to move out for a bit while you decide what you want to do (make sure he does his fair share with the children). I think living under the same roof would be very hard at the moment. Arrange some marriage counselling and go from there. I don't think this can be brushed under the carpet - let your family know as you will need support.

Jaxhog Thu 19-Oct-17 11:23:18

It must be so hard after 20 years together. If you do decide to let him stay, he needs to understand that he will have to rebuild your trust in him, and that this will take time. Counselling sounds like a good idea, as that will help you decide what you want to do. Don't make a snap decision though.

Neverknowing Thu 19-Oct-17 11:23:39

The disrespect is what I couldn't get over. He said you were like an 'annoying little sister'!? No thank you. He's told you what he really thinks of you, listen. You'll never trust him again and he thinks badly of you.
He's had sex in your children's bedrooms? Honestly everything you've written in your op is horrendous. I wouldnt be able to look at him at all, kick him out and try to co-parent effectively. It sounds like you'll get more of a break if he has them EOW, he was sneaking away from helping with the children,and spending time with you all, to message the other woman? He clearly doesn't care about family life and isn't the person I'd want around.
This must be horrible op, I hope you can find a positive in this. flowers

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 19-Oct-17 11:24:16

An annoying little sister? For that I'd divorce him and tell everyone at the school gates the details.

MorrisZapp Thu 19-Oct-17 11:24:59

So presumably they had sober sex in daylight hours? That's not a moment of madness, that's a relationship.

Slagging you off to her is utterly disgusting. Don't protect him from these actions.

FlowerPot1234 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:26:05

He likened me to an 'annoying little sister' when he described to her what it's like being married to me.

First, I am so sorry your OH has done this to you and your family. flowers

Second, he has no respect for you. Not via his infidelity, his lies, his sneaking off, or his comments full of contempt for you like this. He has betrayed you AND insulted and badmouthed you to this gutter woman.

This is not a respectful, workable love. It has ended not because he chose to end it, but because her OH found out. Remember that. Having had that situation forced upon him, he is now floundering around trying to make his own situation better. There is nothing in him that cares about you. His desire to move on is a desire for him not to be in awkward pain, not for your happiness. The only thing he cares about is not being ostracized and not facing the consequences of his choice.

Please, please do not put yourself in the position of facing years of agony and uncertainty by staying with him. He has told you what he thinks of you - by his actions and words to her. Now organise, pack up, and embark on your brilliant new life ahead.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 19-Oct-17 11:26:09

He likened me to an 'annoying little sister' when he described to her what it's like being married to me.. uggh... so much more I could tell you but no need. He says he made the worst choice ever in his life.

Sorry OP but I'm, struggling to understand why you would even want to stay married to this man. Where is your self-esteem? He is a pig! Start divorce proceedings and take control. Best of luck.

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