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Am I doing the right thing?

28 replies

SillyBillyMe17 · 19/10/2017 10:12

Hi All!

I need some help/support/a kick up the backside..

I have lived with my partner for four years. No DCs, not married (this is part of the problem - he doesn't want it)..

Recently my desire for children, a future and marriage has come to the surface quite often. He know tells me he thinks about it sometimes, but never commits to saying yes let's do it (perhaps a positive looking at the bigger picture). I'm 33, he's 42.

I moved away from home (almost 200 miles) to be with him.

I work and pay 100% of the bills/food. He works sporadically but is renovating his house (that we both live in, but that he owns outright). He will only work enough to afford to purchase whatever materials he needs at the time (self-employed craftsman).

We've argued a lot, especially recently. And this weekend it erupted yet again. His family and he (I feel) keep secrets from me about his ex and her contact with them. She was awful when I first moved in and almost broke us up a few times. She recently got married and invited his family - they said no because of me, she couldn't believe I wasn't 'over' it yet, he told them to go because I didn't mind. I should say, I don't mind, it's not an issue anymore, but the fact I only found out they went through seeing photographs online riled me. So when he got arsey and asked where all my money went every month (I only work in admin - I don't earn a lot) and started asking how it all got spent on bills/vehicles/pets/food I flipped and asked him why he didn't tell me that I had been talked about.

Of course it escalated, he got really angry, screamed "I'm the man of this house", ripped a swing door down and through it into the kitchen (where I was). It hit my legs and he apologised profusely. An hour or so later he started saying I should get some help, I shouldn't push him to that extent and make him react that way. I have a chronic illness which makes me sad and that I have considered counselling for, but now it seems I need the counselling to sort my head out.. So, it's all my fault basically.

I really felt rock bottom, and spoke with my mum. I have booked to go and view a flat on Monday, with every intention of moving out (he is unaware), but he is going all nicey-nicey on me again and saying how much he's looking forward to Christmas, which is making me doubt my resolve.

We don't want the same things - sometimes I think he is future-faking to placate me.
We argue.
We have very little in common.
I am fed up of being the bread winner.
We've never been on holiday, we don't go out (because I can't afford to pay for it).
He has a heart of gold and loves his family, but I can't help but think this relationship is toxic for both of us.

Am I doing the right thing?

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AnnaThursday · 19/10/2017 10:17

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. Good luck in your new place, op.