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Is this serious enough to leave?

(51 Posts)
beingstupideven Thu 19-Oct-17 09:38:53

He shouted at me really loud in the car in front of our children that I was a stupid fucking bitch
I was sitting mid bed with my ankles together at end and he was stood at end of bed slamming? his hands repeatedly on my feet /ankles shouting in my face that he fucking hates me over and over again, my ankle was bruised for days and I had to limp the rest of the evening, I was so distressed I took 4 Tramadol together to numb everything.
He threw his phone at me when I was lying in bed bf our 8 week old, it hit my shoulder as I covered to protect her.
He attempted to again throw his phone at a big glass mirror behind me, it’s up against the bed where the baby was laying and I jumped to stop him, he then pressed me up against the door and slapped my breasts really hard calling me a slut that wanted every guy to see them, I had just gotten out of a week in hospital for a serious breast ulcer / mastitis and my boob was really sore and this was excruciating.
He corners me and won’t let me move while he either calls me names or growls at me to make me stop moving. There’s more lesser things too. It’s over his lying to me and he says I should get over it.
He dosnt think any of the above is actual abuse and laughs if I threaten him with the police, so I’m a wife beater now?!! Is what he said.
I know what I should do I’m just so afraid, I need to see some sense because he minimizes everything he does and really has me questioning my judgement.
He thinks he’s a good person and this is my fault.
Long term mn by the way, don’t always post but here for years.

pemberleypearl Thu 19-Oct-17 09:40:41

OP you and your children need to be safe. Call the police. Do you have family to support you?

Lanaorana2 Thu 19-Oct-17 09:41:45

He is a wife-beater. Get him out.

beingstupideven Thu 19-Oct-17 09:42:45

I have no family, my mum had a stroke last month and is very ill, no one else I can call, I’ll be totally alone leaving as I only have him.

LesisMiserable Thu 19-Oct-17 09:44:38

Erm, yes.

beingstupideven Thu 19-Oct-17 09:46:37

It’s just so hard as I have no where to go really, I’ve asked him to leave when he’s calm but he said he’s not going to end up a bedsit dad and I want the separation so it should be me that go’s.

NewLevelsOfTiredness Thu 19-Oct-17 09:47:18

What does he offer that you'd miss? Being totally alone sounds preferable!

You ask if it's serious enough to leave? It's sounds closer to serious enough to have him arrested.

Hawkmoth Thu 19-Oct-17 09:48:48


beingstupideven Thu 19-Oct-17 09:53:49

Thanks for all the replys, I don’t have anyone irl to talk to, I suppose I’m just so confused because we have been together a long time and he’s never been violent, this has only started this year as we have been arguing so much, I keep thinking that he’ll realize what he’s doing and go back to how he was, which was kind and loving. I don’t understand his change, I know he’s stressed but I really can’t forgive him, Can I?

50ShadesOfEarlGrey Thu 19-Oct-17 09:55:57

Talk to Womans Aid

They will be able to talk to you about what you can do, based on your individual situation.

His abusive behaviour is not your fault, and you don’t have to live like that. You know that you have to deal with it. Be strong and remember you will have the whole of the Mumsnet massive behind you. Get advice first, so you know what to do.

MrsBertBibby Thu 19-Oct-17 09:56:17

Is this your first baby?

Are you married or just living together?

Is your home owned, or rented? Private, or HA?

You need to get away,this is really serious stuff.

whitehorsesdonotlie Thu 19-Oct-17 09:56:49

Go to the police and report him. Now. Tell the police you're terrified he's going to kill you or your child.

Any ONE of those incidents would be enough to end a relationship, OP.

Even if you have no other family, being on your own with your dc would be VASTLY better than being in an abusive relationship like yours.

What are you teaching your dc about relationships??

No. You can't forgive him.

WinteryWalk Thu 19-Oct-17 10:00:21

Horrendous OP, absolutely terrible, please be safe and call Women's Aid today.

beingstupideven Thu 19-Oct-17 10:08:08

We are married a long time, joint mortgage, I have 3 children, youngest is 6 months and I’m currently 4 months pregnant, a huge once off mistake, so shocked but our own fault.
I’m just in such a horrible position I think I’ve been in serious denial judging by this advice.

lollipop7 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:11:33

I know myself - as I am going through it - how hard it is to leave, now frightened and vulnerable you feel, that is it overwhelming but you have no choice.

Please read what people are writing on here and take action. There is help out there, you can be assisted in terms of being made to fee physically safe whilst you get your head and your shit together.

Men like this don't stop. It won't get better. Believe me. Before you know it there will be another baby, he will ramp his Abuse up in disconcertingly invidious ways and some point he will probably broaden his scope to include the children. Leave for them. Leave for yourself. Leave before it is too late.

It's a massive thing to do. But I can assure you that being physically away from this person will give you the needed space to gain clarity, perspective and forgiveness for yourself. It will enable you to start getting your ducks in a row and to take those first tentative steps towards establishing a life without him.

You are, as I have discovered, always stronger than you think.


lollipop7 Thu 19-Oct-17 10:16:53

Sorry cross post. You see my point about the baby? I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my third child under four. I've been used like a breeding machine and trampled on. A baby conceived against my wishes and that I was told to keep or face me and my children being made homeless.

You have more rights than I did and I got out.
You can apply for an occupation and a non molestation order. You have recourse I didn't. Tell your midwife, tell your HV, get a solicitor.

I wouldn't say you've been in denial I think you are exhibiting evidence of someone who is a victim of intimate terrorism. This is increasingly being recognised as one of the most incontrovertibly serious and damaging side effects of DV. You're not alone.

Ring Women's Aid, call the police and take it from there.

GerrytheBerry Thu 19-Oct-17 10:18:04

Yes you definitely need to get out I am shocked at this behaviour! I would phone the police actually. Now.

beingstupideven Thu 19-Oct-17 10:25:43

Thank you Lollypop7flowers

AnnaThursday Thu 19-Oct-17 10:28:25

Yes, it’s serious enough to leave. People will want to help you and your DC, just take that first step and contact them, op. flowers

Nanny0gg Thu 19-Oct-17 10:59:16

I know he’s stressed but I really can’t forgive him, Can I?

Go before he kills you.

PollytheDolly Thu 19-Oct-17 11:04:04

Why has he started now? If you look back over the years we’re there red flags you missed?

Anyway, you do need to be away from him, as soon as you possibly can. He is a wife beater.

Cricrichan Thu 19-Oct-17 11:06:47

You poor thing. He is a wife beater. And what if the phone had hit your tiny baby? Slapping your breasts that you've must been in hospital for?

Seriously, get out now. For your sake and for the kids'. I would also go to the police and report him.

letsdolunch321 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:12:15

You need to seek help urgently, Your health visitor should be able to help you - YOU need to call the police immediately if he starts this disgusting behaviour again.

Also call womans aid even samaratians will be able to point you in the right direction.

What makes aman think he can treat a woman like this ..... he is a monster not a man.

Backoff85 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:12:16

This is shocking and awful. You have to find a way of leaving him.

Aussiemum78 Thu 19-Oct-17 11:14:17

I've been where you are now. You know it's not right and you should leave, but you are emotionally paralysed.

If I can offer you the first steps...tell someone you trust, a friend or family member. Here is fine but if you can tell a counsellor or GP if you have no one else to tell. If you have money you can access buy a copy of Lundy Bancrofts book and open a secret bank account.

You need to leave before it gets worse.

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