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Do I cut contact with my dad?

(17 Posts)
Grimmfebruary Thu 19-Oct-17 08:27:21

My dad has always been a complete and utter arsehole. He has had problems with drink for as long as I can remember, he's been for help many times but just can't seem to get his act together.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and after finding out I was having a boy, he was over the moon. He always seemed a bit put out he had 3 girls and no sons but as he's been separated from my mother since I was 6 and never turned up for contact on account of the fact he was drunk, I never felt like I missed out on anything. My mother and her family more than compensated for anything I wanted or needed.

He had a big birthday recently and that also coincided with him moved closer to us again for work. He has been drunk every night since his birthday, texting me to chat shit and has generally seemed quite excited about having a grandson.

But last night he started demanding the baby be named after him and that I give the baby my last name to 'continue his line on' as he 'could only have girls'. When I refused (dp and I intend to get married and I want to take his name as I have hated my last name as long as I can remember) he then got on the offensive and started bombarding me with messages trying to convince me to double barrel, not to be old fashioned and change my name when there is no need.

What's pissing me off most is that if the baby had been a girl he wouldn't have cared less and he's pulling this big man shit because it's a boy.

After all this harassment, I then received a message (and texts he's been sending to othe people) about how he wants nothing to do with the baby, he doesn't want to see him when he's born and that he doesn't want grandchildren at all.

I am being unreasonable to go no contact? I haven't said anything to him yet and don't really know what to say. It's just made me realise he's a bigger dickhead than I thought.

Sorry it's long!

PeaPodPopper Thu 19-Oct-17 08:33:11

It is not his baby, it is YOUR baby. You get to make all decisions re him, not your dad.
Go with your instinct and make the life you want with your DP, as it seems to me you owe this man nothing.

His birthday is irrelevant, him moving closer is irrelevant, him having only girls is irrelevant. The fact he is a 'dickhead' IS relevant.

All the best for your baby my lovely flowers

pog100 Thu 19-Oct-17 08:34:21

Of course you wouldn't be unreasonable to cut contact. It's hard to see that he has ever been a positive in your life and is highly unlikely to be one in that of your son's. It's frankly amazing that you have managed to put up with him this long.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 19-Oct-17 08:36:44

He remains a completely selfish asshat and someone who has not fundamentally altered since your own childhood.

Cut all forms of contact with him and actively block him now, he continues to bring nothing but misery into your life. After his last message in particular I would hold him at his word. You would not have tolerated one ounce of this from a friend, your alcoholic dad is really no different. Your as yet unborn child does not need an alcoholic grandparent either in his life.

You ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your dad rather than the one you actually got. NACOA may well be worth contacting too, link here:- www.nacoa.org.uk/adults.html

Its not your fault he is the ways he is. You did not make him that way and the only one who can choose to stop drinking here is him. No-one else can do that for him.

Grimmfebruary Thu 19-Oct-17 08:48:44

i sometimes used to feel a bit sorry for him - he was lonely, bored, trying to justify what he was doing (he's been harassing me via text/phone since I was about 15, I'm now 25!) and it got worse after one of my sisters went no contact with him when she was 18 so I'm getting the brunt of all his frustrations, etc. He fixates on something when pissed and never lets it go and he can never believe he's in the wrong.

I never felt like I missed out on a relationship with him - my maternal granda has been all you could ever want for a father figure and is currently delighted about getting a great grandson (he's another with 3 daughters, he managed not to be too disappointed!).

I know I owe my dad nothing, but his attitude to basically expecting me to want to name my baby after him and 'continue his line' is hilarious. I don't know what my mother ever saw in him. My dp is absolutely furious (and has never liked him).

Sashley Thu 19-Oct-17 08:52:58

I would definitely cut contact. He is only going to continue to upset you and cause you stress and that is certainly not what u need when u r pregnant.

You have. It missed him before so you will not miss him now. You have the support u need from the rest of your family. He has brought this on himself and has had made no effort to change. Change you phone number or block him and start this new chapter in your life with only positive people around you who will be a good influence on your child.

Grimmfebruary Thu 19-Oct-17 09:06:49

I just can't wrap my head around how much of an arse he actually is and why I'm actually surprised that he's managed to shock me at all but that has.

I'm just now wondering why he even had kids at all, did he think all of us would just not consider having our own families because he doesn't want to be a grandad?

parklives Thu 19-Oct-17 20:57:30

Op, I don’t know why you seem to feel some obligation to this man.
He’s clearly not equipped to be able to maintain a steady relationship with you.
If you feel no contact is to difficult, just minimise the contact, and definitely block his texts if that’s possible, he keeps sucking you into his vortex of madness. Don’t play his game.
Ignore and live your life would be my advice.

ferando81 Thu 19-Oct-17 21:07:18

Your first sentence gives you your answer.Why would you introduce your child to such a man?

Grimmfebruary Fri 20-Oct-17 08:10:08

I just felt like he would want to make some sort of effort with this baby given that it's probably the only grandchild he'll have for a very long time (my half sister is a teen and my sister is no contact with him) and that I'm his oldest. Clearly I thought wrong.

Just wanted to make sure I wasn't being dramatic or unreasonable as my mother would love nothing more than for me to follow my sisters lead and refuse to have anything to do with him. He's going to end up a sad and lonely old man if he doesn't start being such a twat.

Grimmfebruary Fri 20-Oct-17 08:10:46

Doesn't stop being such a twat that should say!

LuckyBitches Fri 20-Oct-17 16:20:05

YANBU. He sounds like a prick.

springydaffs Fri 20-Oct-17 18:54:02

It's the booze talking. Yes, the booze talks complete shite.

Has he been to AA?

Grimmfebruary Fri 20-Oct-17 19:07:28

He's been many times and it doesn't benefit him in any way

springydaffs Fri 20-Oct-17 23:41:37

Have you been to al-anon?

flowers

Grimmfebruary Sat 21-Oct-17 07:12:33

I haven't but from they he continues to keep on I dont have much faith in it!

springydaffs Sun 22-Oct-17 00:33:54

eh??

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