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DH gave me an ultimatum...

(15 Posts)
WWYD2016 Thu 19-Oct-17 05:30:12

...counselling or separation?
I chose separation and now he's badgering me to change my mind, he did not believe I would choose separation.
Yes, he's controlling. Yes, he's emotionally abusive.
Now he's behaving like the husband he should have been but I'm finding it irritating as I know it's not sustainable.
He's really upsetting me because he won't let go nor do I believe he'll change.
Upping and leaving is not an option for me I don't wanna leave my DC...I want us to seperate properly.

TossDaily Thu 19-Oct-17 05:34:33

Good on you - stick to your guns.

He won't have expected that. Ultimatum my arse.

jeaux90 Thu 19-Oct-17 06:37:17

You shouldn't go into counselling with an abusive arsehole. If he wants counselling for his behaviour then great. He might not fuck up again.

You are doing the right thing because I rarely rarely see them change. (Actually I have never seen one change only heard about it)

99hippos Thu 19-Oct-17 06:51:20

Oh @WWYD2016 Those emotional words are very, very hard to EVER forget.

I feel that you know what you already want to do. You may not even feel this way, but you keep your wonderful strong head. You sound like a smart woman, know you'll be perfectly fine if you do leave.

Keep a record of all your civil attempts (if you can) and goodluck!! smile

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus Thu 19-Oct-17 07:00:58

You have made the right decision, never so into counselling with an abuser. Start making plans.

As for his present behaviour, so what, doesn't undo his past behaviour which will come creeping back,

Dozer Thu 19-Oct-17 07:09:24

Counselling isn’t recommended with an abusive partner.

He doesn’t get to decide. You can end the relationship without his agreement. Please seek some RL support, eg legal and financial advice.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 19-Oct-17 07:12:16

What do you mean by ‘separate properly’? Do you mean you want him to move out?

If so who’s house is it/who’s on the tenancy/who owns it? Because it’s very difficult to make him leave if he digs his heels in.

flowershe sounds a right prick

Walkacrossthesand Thu 19-Oct-17 07:16:11

Does he accept that his behaviour plays any part in you wanting to split up? Maybe he should go and get some counselling himself so he learns from this life experience...

TheNaze73 Thu 19-Oct-17 07:32:53

Stick to your guns. People who offer ultimatums are normally weak people who aren’t prepared for the wrong answer & are manipulative.

Well done you grin

FritzDonovan Thu 19-Oct-17 07:56:24

People who offer ultimatums are normally weak people who aren’t prepared for the wrong answer & are manipulative.
Or ppl who have just reached their limit and recognise a change is necessary. Not saying this applies here.

Isetan Thu 19-Oct-17 11:50:08

If 'separating properly' means amicably then you need to let go of that notion. There's always a cost to freedom and he will be as obstructive as he can get away with and then some.

Get legal advice asap and be prepared for a bumpy ride.

I'm not trying to scare you but I've been on the rollercoaster that is breaking up with a man who sees himself as the victim and who will use that as justification for being an srsehole.

WWYD2016 Thu 19-Oct-17 12:04:06

Thank you for your time. DH does recognise it's his behaviour and is taking professional steps to fix his issues [again, he usually quits after a few sessions] but I just don't believe our future can differ from our past. I feel bad for hurting me but I try to remind myself that he doesn't consider how his behaviour affects me...until after the event.

WWYD2016 Thu 19-Oct-17 12:05:11

I meant to say, '...feel bad for hurting him...'.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 19-Oct-17 12:07:05

Is there anything preventing you from contacting a solicitor to start divorce proceedings? You don't need to wait for him to do it. Stick to your guns.

Dozer Thu 19-Oct-17 14:59:17

What issues is he now seeking help for: addiction, mental health, his abuse?

Whichever, he can continue to do that should you separate.

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