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Does anyone else live with a severely depressed husband?

(8 Posts)
doitforthefatlady Wed 18-Oct-17 23:35:58

My husband is very ill.

He always has had depression but it was manageable.
Then had a work accident, that a healthy person would overcome, but it was last straw for him. Left work 18 months ago. Got progressively worse, angry, impatient, high expectations kids couldn't live up to, shouting, mostly at our youngest who I think has mild Asperger's, anyway they clash terribly. It was like eggshells, all of us on edge because of DH mood. I got very anxious. Plus had to work full time to support us which kids hated. It was not a pleasant place to live.

He got to a very dark place, sleeping all the time, found out he had been taking strong pain killers so he could sleep. Though he might just die. I told him he would have to move out unless he went to doctor. So a year ago he went. Got medication, things improved. Youngest child very low self esteem from this horrible period, thinks his dad hates him, although DH spends a lot of time being kind and loving. But still damage is done. DH despises himself for lots of reasons, including knowing he has had an effect on our child. I do not blame him. I do understand nothing was intentional but I am still bitter when I see DS sad. More about the unfairness of it all, for DH and DS.

I'm working a lot, but also need to be at home to keep things going positively. DH has had some therapy but doesn't want to continue with it because of cost. He is very low again. But really, really trying to not snap at youngest child. But he does often withdraw, sleeps a lot, has headphones on. No friends.

I'm very tired. Can't talk to people in real life, as they think he should pull himself together, or he is selfish, lazy. He really isn't. He is ill.

Therapy is out. Medication is making him feel empty. Suggested so many things. Art. Exercise. Meditation. Projects. Been his cheerful buddy. Given him peace and space. In the past begged, cried. Shouted. Constantly give him love, so much love. Love isn't enough.
Now I just think he will have to get on with it, as long as he is kind to the kids. I have to stop deluding myself that he will recover or work again.

Thank you for reading. I just needed to talk.

Blamangeatois Thu 19-Oct-17 00:56:05

So sorry to read this. I don't have any wise words i' m afraid but I do have experience of depression . Just wanted to say I was so sad to read your post and sorry you are going through this.

DeltaWave Thu 19-Oct-17 01:03:11

OP, you say you suspect DC is autistic (aspergers). Is it possible, do you think, that DH may be autistic too?

ferando81 Thu 19-Oct-17 01:23:51

"Angry impatient ... shouting" Are these signs of depression?
The problem with depression is everybody has it nowadays .I don't mean to be flippant but maybe your friends are right .
His illness whether real or imagined is having a detrimental effect on your family.Is there any group who works with people whose partners have depression ?
You need to look after you and kids first .Good luck

OrangeCrush19 Sat 21-Oct-17 14:00:03

I think he needs to go back to his GP and have his medication re-evaluated. Maybe go with him and explain how this looks from your point of view.

You need support too. Call MIND. See if they can suggest local support groups for either of you.

I was on around 7-8 ADs before I found something that worked and had bearable side-effects. I didn’t think I’d make it - that was 15 years ago.

Good luck flowers

Huskylover1 Sat 21-Oct-17 17:13:41

You don't have to stay with him, you know. It sounds like a miserable life. I'd be out of there.

Caselgarcia Sat 21-Oct-17 17:26:19

Could you ask him what he plans to do to improve his health now he has stopped therapy and medication is making him feel empty. If he won't try anything else he isn't going to get better. He needs to make decisions about how he is going to improve and perhaps relieve some of the burden of keeping the family going from you.

CrabappleCake Sat 21-Oct-17 17:33:26

I am living with a severely depressed Dh, he's often angry and frustrated. It's really hard and he is trying to do all the right things. I don't want thud to be my life forever.

I try and get out and do my thing as much as possible, see friends, work, exercise. That helps.

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