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Broken. How do I get through this?

(95 Posts)
Whiteranbit1977 Wed 18-Oct-17 21:50:43

I got divorced last year after my husband left me for a women he met at work. It was the most horrifically painful time of my life, my confidence was shattered and I was so so hurt. We have 1 ds who is almost 10. Six months ago, a guy bought the house next door, he had split up with his wife as she was cheating on him, they have 2 dc’s. He asked me out a couple of months after moving in and we have had the most fantastic four months together. I really really thought he was the one and I fell head over heels in love. I love you’s weren’t exchanged but I thought he felt the same. Last week he came over and told me that he was ending our relationship because he wanted to give his wife another chance as he still loved her and wanted things to work for sake of the kids. He told me that she is coming to live in the house and they are going to make a go of it. I asked him if thy would be moving any time soon and he said no they would be staying put. He asked me not to tell her about us. She moved in over the weekend and I’ve seen them in the garden playing the kids and they seem really happy. I on the other hand am broken. I can’t eat or sleep, I work from home running my own company and it’s all falling apart because I can’t concentrate. I’m crying all the time. How do I get through this when he lives next door and I constantly see him? He is kind of blanking me as well, a curt nod in passing. I’m am so so destroyed by this. I can’t move because I can’t afford to.

pallasathena Wed 18-Oct-17 22:05:42

You adopt a 'fuck you',attitude and fake it till you make it by adopting a confident, can do, uber awesome persona.
And you never put anyone (except your child) first ever again.
You will be OK. Believe it. Believe in yourself.

Annoyed5678 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:17:35

He was honest, you can't blame him at all. Just ignore him put it to the back of your mind and focus in you, your child. Decorate a room in your house enjoy your surroundings in those four walls forget the outside world when your at home

Aminuts23 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:28:11

Oh my word how difficult for you. However you absolutely will be ok. You weren’t together long enough to be in love so although it might feel as if you were right now, you will realise it was early days infatuation. It can’t be easy them being next door. Try to keep yourself busy and try as hard as you can not to keep thinking about what they are doing. You were fine before he moved in and you really will be again. It will be painful for a while but it will get better and one day you’ll remember your short fling with fondness. He hasn’t lied to you or cheated or played games with you. He’s done the decent thing and been honest. Believe me there are very many men out there who end relationships in hideous cowardly ways. He sounds like he has shown you respect and honestly which is really all you could ask for in the circumstances. I’m sorry you’re hurting though

Cricrichan Wed 18-Oct-17 22:28:52

Hi lovely.

Remember when you were going through your divorce and felt awful? Yet, you had a wonderful relationship afterwards? This may not have lasted but it's shown you that however bad a break up feels, there'll be someone else.

userxx Wed 18-Oct-17 22:32:32

He's a bit of a twat isn't he with the whole don't mention anything to his wife!!

I think you got massively over invested in this relationship and I can't blame you, you went through a hideous time with your ex husband, however I think you sought validation from your neighbour whilst still very hurt over your exh. It's time to start building yourself back up again. Get focused on work, throw your energy into that instead of the neighbour. You will get over this.

User36367292 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:37:07

4 months isn't a long time so you will get over it more quickly regardless of where he lives. The first fling after a relationship ends is often very intense. You clearly felt more than he did. Just let them be and try to move on.

cherryontopp Wed 18-Oct-17 23:02:56

It's shit but i second the "fuck you" attitude. Nothing you can do can change anything. Get on with your life, sit baxk, relax and watch it all go crumbling down when she cheats on him again

YouSaySidewalkISayPavement Thu 19-Oct-17 00:03:44

This is easily solved.

Make friends with his wife and her about your relationship. She won't want to live next door to you and pretty soon they will be moving.

It was an open relationship and they were apart so you weren't doing anything wrong. He has no right to demand you don't tell her.

springydaffs Thu 19-Oct-17 00:14:17

flowers

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Thu 19-Oct-17 00:29:07

Gosh how awful. flowers YouSay is right, you shouldn't have to keep it quiet, you've done nothing wrong, so if you do end up chatting to the wife there's no reason why you shouldn't mention it. He's being a dick by keeping her in the dark about it.

As Cricri says, this shows that you have moved on from your divorce and are capable of forming another loving relationship. Think of it as your rebound relationship, so that when you meet someone else in future you are not hung up on your ex husband.

Pallas, OP hasn't "put anyone else first" she's had a relationship, which as a grown woman she is entitled to do. There's no reason for her to live as a nun because her marriage broke down.

YouSaySidewalkISayPavement Thu 19-Oct-17 00:50:58

sorry that should say

* tell her about your relationship.

You don't even need to befriend her. You could just mention it in passing when you bump into her in the street.

"Lovely to meet you. I'm so glad you aren't finding this awkward. I thought it might be strange for you moving in here after [his name] and I had such an intense four month fling. I'm so impressed you are taking in your stride. If it was me I'd want to have a fresh start. So would you like to come round for coffee next week?"

And watch her flee to the hills. Seriously, this has no good outcome for this woman. Imagine how you'd feel if it turned out your reconciled partner had been shagging the neighbour for 4 months and never told you. Are you friends with other neighbours? Do they know?

Someone should tell his wife anyway just for info.

Whiteranbit1977 Thu 19-Oct-17 06:42:09

Thanks everyone. I need to snap out of this I know it’s just so hard seeing him every day. I’m taking ds away for a week to Spain so it will give me some headspace.

magoria Thu 19-Oct-17 06:45:59

So he wants to make a go of it but can't be honest with her from the start.

I bet she wouldn't be so happy living there if she knew about you.

Lucky escape you have had.

WhoWants2Know Thu 19-Oct-17 06:55:10

OMG, what a prick! It boggles the mind that he thinks he can have a wife and a former lover living next door to each other. You can bet she'd be unhappy if she knew.

Was your son aware of the relationship? If so, that must be so confusing.

I don't know if I'd be able to take that quietly. You aren't under any obligation to keep it secret. And if he's willing to keep something like that from her, it casts doubt on his story that she cheated. He may have been stringing you both along.

Whiteranbit1977 Thu 19-Oct-17 07:26:40

I don’t want to tell her tbh. I want things to be calm and amicable for my ds and his two kids. I’ve just seen him, I was putting the cat outside and he cane out to get something from his car. He looked at me, nodded and walked back in. Why can’t he at least say hello ffs?

Whiteranbit1977 Thu 19-Oct-17 07:27:17

I feel like I was just a stop gap while he was waiting for his wife to bored of her fling.

Mooncuplanding Thu 19-Oct-17 07:34:28

Agree with pp about him starting off the reconciliation under a cloud.....but not your concern.

After I got divorced I had about 2 years of, how can I put it....inappropriate relationships? Not mm or anything grim like that, more unsuitables and unavailables. Didn't realise it at the time of course.

I would hope for you that you can look at Neighbour Man as one of these rebound relationships. He probably showed all the signs of being unavailable and that very probably suited you because you are more than likely a little unavailable because of the hurt from your divorce.

Every day is a school day. You will be fine. Go for a date with someone else, join a new club...just anything positive.

And never let a man ruin a business you have loved and sweated over, so get your head down there and be hard on yourself to do so. Do not let him ruin your work.

YouSaySidewalkISayPavement Thu 19-Oct-17 10:03:07

I don’t want to tell her tbh

Why not? I don't buy "want things to be calm and amicable for the kids" at all - you say he isn't even saying hello to you!!

You title for this thread is "Broken". Are you thinking that you won't tell her because he's asked you not to, if you do you will piss him off and scupper any hope you have with him in future? If so, be very very careful because that way lies the road to becoming an unwitting OW.

Give it a couple of months and it will be "let's have a coffee. my wife doesn't understand me" and before you know it it' smoved to a couple of glasses of wine and -oops! we have had sex. Do NOT underestimate your vulnerability here if you have strong feelings and have slept together before repeatedly. Men in that situation can be highly manipulative. He's already shown himself to be dishonest by telling you not to tell her.

Seriously, this has disrupted your life and the best thing for you is if they move away.

It is not a guarantee but I think there is a pretty good chance if you tell her she won't want to stay living there. They probably would move and that would be the best thing for you and your children.

pallasathena Thu 19-Oct-17 11:21:41

And it could backfire...spectacularly.
Ask yourself what would you gain by disclosing the relationship in this way?
The truth will out, in its own time. It always does. Your decision.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 19-Oct-17 12:15:44

I know it must be awfully difficult - even if you felt nothing for him or would be awkward. But I think you've had a lucky escape as I think he's being terribly unfair to both of you and he thinks that's fine. He's lying to her and putting you through emotional distress, just so he can have what he wants. Doesn't sound like a nice person.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 19-Oct-17 12:16:13

*it would be awkward

TammySwansonTwo Thu 19-Oct-17 12:58:38

Just wanted to say that your feelings are completely valid - it's hard enough to get over a break up without having their rekindled relationship shoved in your face. A few options really - save up and move, tell him that he needs to move or you'll tell his wife (not sure this is a great idea but it is an option) or avoid completely until the worst passes. Hugs to you.

Bufferingkisses Thu 19-Oct-17 13:06:41

He wasn't honest though was he? He ended it with you a week ago and she's already moved in. You're not telling me that happened without weeks of talking, possibly dating, likely resuming sex?

He's been dishonest with you and he expects you to be complicit in being dishonest to his wife. He's not the man you think he is.

Tbh I feel sorry for his wife and think you had a lucky escape. Time will help, plaster on the coping face and push forward with your life flowers

Whiteranbit1977 Thu 19-Oct-17 16:10:11

Thank you everyone. You’ve all given some great advice and are helping me to stay strong. Tbh I think it was a huge mistake getting involved with someone who lives so close! Won’t be doing that again.

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