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Separated from husband with Aspergers

(12 Posts)
Juststopit Wed 18-Oct-17 20:20:26

After a stormy 26 year relationship me and my husband have been seperated for 2 months. He has classic signs of Aspergers, and is now live by on his own in a rented room. He has an emotional affair after which he left although now has no involvement with the woman. He is still very much in contact with me and since the penny has dropped that his behaviour throughout our marriage was likely due to AS I just feel so guilty. So guilty at the times I shouted at him for not trying, for ignoring me and the kids , for not arguing back etc. He says he doesn’t love me but is that the AS too?! He has always been a bit strange and struggled with Social situations and emotions but it’s become more apparent the older he has got. He has very much detached from the kids and I. Why do I feel so bloody guilty? I know getting back together would be unwise but I feel so bad and like I m abandoning him. Someone talk me out of this black hole.

Offred Wed 18-Oct-17 20:23:17

Why do you think this is about AS?

I don’t mean ‘please list all his symptoms’ I mean surely the primary issue right now is adjusting to the separation not ruminating obsessively about your relationship...

Juststopit Wed 18-Oct-17 20:26:34

I think I m just picking things apart really. A lot of our arguments were based around him not making decisions, not wanting to socialise, not dealing with emotional stuff. I m just feeling bad as perhaps he couldn’t do this not that he just wouldn’t. And I should have realised and backed off.

AtSea1979 Wed 18-Oct-17 20:31:07

You've separated yet you continue to make excuses for him. He wasn't giving you what you needed from a relationship, end of.
It's only been two months yet suddenly he has an aspergers diagnosis and it's all the aspergers fault. Hey OP, shame to break it to you but people with aspergers are humans too. They can be lovely, they can be arseholes, in spite of the aspergers.

Juststopit Wed 18-Oct-17 20:32:39

Yes. That’s what I needed to hear. It was him and I need to move on. I need yo remember him the arse. Diagnosis or not! Thank you.

AtSea1979 Wed 18-Oct-17 20:39:41

You've given him 26 fucking years! It's probably 25 and a half years too long. Don't give him anymore head space. Seperate the habitual conversations. Who cares if he's still in touch with this woman or not? Not your problem. Makes no odds to you.

Juststopit Wed 18-Oct-17 20:47:21

Too right Atsea. I knew I d get a virtual slap off MN. I needed it too!

ArchchancellorsHat Wed 18-Oct-17 20:50:35

You deserve to have a life you can enjoy too. I say this as someone who has Aspergers and only got a diagnosis this year. ASD or not, it's up to every one of us to make our own lives. And if I read your OP right, he was the one who wanted to leave?

GummyGoddess Wed 18-Oct-17 20:51:52

As someone with (mild) asd, you are being ridiculous blaming yourself. The asd is part of him, it isn't a separate entity that is making him do things to upset you.

Stop picking over the past, it doesn't matter whether the behaviour was deliberate or accidental. It matters that you cannot live like that and have made the necessary changes.

Slingsanderrors Wed 18-Oct-17 20:55:05

Juststopit, I just saw your post on another forum! You know the one I mean. I dont post there any more (long story) but WELL DONE YOU!!!
He's an ArSehole (AS or not). You're well rid, I'm just a bit behind you but I'm leaving soon.......

Juststopit Wed 18-Oct-17 20:58:26

It was me who told him to leave. Thanks everyone. I suppose this is all part of the process after such a long relationship. Just a wobble tonight but this too shall pass.

Gilead Wed 18-Oct-17 22:55:37

I have (diagnosed) Aspergers. I adore my children, I"m involved in their lives, I make decisions and frequently tell them I love them. I hate social situations, but attended parents evenings, sports days, performances etc. I managed and still manage to do all of these things without being an arse to anybody. Move on, and good luck!

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