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Why can't I leave?(6 Posts)
My DH has suffered a several significant traumas in the last two years, too much to go into detail and also outing as he knows I post here. He has become abusive emotionally and financially and has been regularly taking cocaine (only found this out through the wife of one of his friends though I had been suspicious) and drinking to excess every single day. In the last 6 months he stopped going to work, lost his job and started to live off his savings. He had unbeknownst to me stopped paying our bills and mortgage even though he could easily afford to (his savings are in six figures mine was around £10k), I have managed to stabilise this for the time being by using all of my savings but I am a SAHM and I won't be able to cover everything for much longer, some of the bills I have had to set up payment plans as the late charges were crippling and I couldn't afford to pay them off in one go and continue paying for our home. No one knows any of this except me as he has been putting up a front of lies to keep our families from the truth. He just sits around all day every day drinking and playing on his games console, ignoring our two DSs (10 months and 2.5) and does nothing to help me around the house. He is on the verge of losing his driving license as he has racked up so many points this year going through red lights and speeding, but he hides the letters from me so I don't see them until there are more charges for lateness or court summons. He won't even give me time to have a shower or bath most days, and pesters me for sex constantly at inappropriate times, I am often feeling unclean from not showering so that adds to me not wanting to have sex. He then sulks for days until I give in and have sex just to stop him being so vile. I'm so unhappy but I can't bring myself to leave.
I know he is depressed and suffering from the trauma he has gone through but we pay for a private psychologist but he doesn't tell the truth in his sessions and it doesn't seem to be helping at all, I also know that sometimes he just goes to the pub instead. I would worry that if I leave he will end his life, either intentionally or by accident through overdose etc. He is constantly promising it will change and it will get better but he does nothing. I know he is making life harder but I worry that I will struggle on my own with our sons and I worry about what our families will think of me, but I don't want them growing up around this. I'm just so confused and his constant gaslighting has left me not knowing what to do or how to go about changing the situation. I have no qualifications so have toyed with the idea of staying until I can sort something out, but I don't know if I can stay this unhappy for that long. I'm disgusted with myself for getting into this situation and I too have become very depressed and anxious because I am constantly walking on eggshells. I'm angry with myself for using up my savings on trying to fix this when he has no interest in doing so, and I have stupidly wasted my safety net of a nest egg. I don't even know what I want anymore or what I want from this, I just needed to get it out as the shame has stopped me talking to anyone IRL.
Your basically doing it alone anyway so not much will change there. As for what your family’s will think of you... they will be gutted for you and your dc’s that you have such a twat for a husband! They will be ashamed of him and be there to support you through this difficult time! You need real life support, please confide in a family memeber who knows your situation fully so they can give you some proper advice.
Nobody should have to live like this, he’s being completely selfish and not thinking about you or your kids. Yes people suffer trauma, doesn’t mean they get the right to act abusive to others!
Better to be apart than to be so badly accompanied.
Do not continue to bring up your sons within such a toxic environment; after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and what are you both teaching them?. Children need stability in their lives; not this dysfunction and abuse going on around them. You cannot fully protect them from his abuses of you and they see you unhappy.
It should not be your concern at all what happens to him going forward when you leave. You are not responsible for his addictive behaviours nor his actions. The shame here is all his; its not yours nor yours to carry for him.
Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth contacting and I would suggest you call them asap. They can and will help you here.
People indeed do suffer trauma but it does not give him the right to abuse you and in turn your children. They do not need an abusive drunken addict in their lives either.
I'm confused - why do you and he have separate savings? Why have you used "your" savings to pay the debts which he created?
I'd strongly suggest seeing a solicitor asap to find out where you stand financially in the event of a split. He appears to be on a downward trajectory of self-sabotage, and if you keep yourself shackled to him you'll both wind up with nowt. If you split now you'll get a fair share of all joint assets (which will include his savings and pension pot) before he pisses them all away.
Going through trauma doesn't mean he's entitled to behave any old way he likes; a difficult past doesn't mean you get to shit on the people around you.
He's choosing the life he's living. Choosing not to support you, not to actively parent his DC, choosing not to provide. And as brutal as this sounds, why are you choosing to support someone and provide for someone who does nothing for you?
I think you would do much better on your own OP. Not sure why your scared of leaving as you do everything alone at present.
He will only get worse im afraid, and you helping/ allowing him to do this will not give him the wake up call he needs. Hope your ok OP
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