Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Sick of DH taking work stress out on me(13 Posts)
This topic has been done to a death on here I know.
My DH works a stressful job
Whoops! Clicked post too soon.
My DH works a stressful job, and I seem to be the one he takes it out on. It feels like nothing I can say is right and get constantly snapped at and talked down to just for asking an innocent question.
We have been through phases like this before whenever there has been a stressful event going on and I am sick of it. I understand he gets stressed at work but it isn’t my fault!!! I get stressed too but don’t take it out on him.
Needed to rant more than anything but any advice welcome! Thanks
I left mine. Turns out I'd accidentally married a man who was very life my father. My father never changes. My ex wasn't going to. He hasn't. I hope he's less of a shit to his new wife.
Sorry, no advice, but it won't change unless he wants it to or is worried enough about the consequences if he doesn't.
You are right, I REALLY fell out with him a few months ago over this and he was very apologetic and promised to work on it but here we are again.
Have you told him he does this and how it makes you feel? How does he react?
sorry x post
can you talk to him at a time of lower stress and discuss how he is going to manage the inevitable stress when it comes?
Yes that is probably a good idea, if I say anything whilst he is stressed it turns into a huge row where nothing gets resolved
Generally when confronted he will either deny doing it, claim I was exaggerating it or give some kind of explanation as to why what I said/did was deserving of such a response. He REALLY cannot take any criticism. Sometimes I will just leave it as I can’t be bothered with the argument but I find if I do persist with it he will eventually think about it and apologise.
Does he have the time to deal with the stress outside of the home?
My husband didn't use to yell and carry-on that often, when he was stressed out, but would brood and stew away in a chair in the lounge. It was like having some kind of stench spreading out through the house, and no one could say anything without getting some kind of snarky comment, that would be particularly hurtful. Eggshell city.
I ended up suggesting he take up some kind of physical activity where he could thump the stress out. He took up karate, then moved to muay-thai and he is a different person. We are 7 years into this and it is a perfect way for him to release the stress physically. We are all much happier for it, and he is not the only older bloke( mid - 40s) beating the crap out of boxing bags as a solution for work stress.
Perhaps something similar could help your husband deal better, and not be such an arse.
Can you help him with how he can destress. Whilst it's definitely not fine to take it out on you, having a stressful job I know at times it's so hard to not show stress at work and I need somehow to release. I have always made it clear to DH it's not him I'm having s go at, I'm just venting? I find exercise a huge destresser. Does he get much time to himself?
That's a tricky one though isn't it fiorentina.
He's an adult and it's for him to learn better coping strategies that don't involve making the OP miserable. Exercise is a good suggestion but he has to want to change.
And raging vs venting. My ex had terrible road rage and would scream and shout and swear and thump the steering wheel when something pissed him off. I tried for years to point out that the only person who could see and hear his rage was me, not the driver that had annoyed him. His answer was he had to be allowed to let his annoyance out and as it was specifically directed AT me it wasn't abusive, I was just in the vicinity. From my perspective, he was loud, aggressive and occasionally put of control and I was scared and felt unsafe. He did the same about work, and he worked from home so there was no escape. I'd get in from whatever sort of day I'd had - including a long commute for several years and the usual shit of public transport, to him sitting at his laptop in his pyjamas and he'd unleash a stream of invective about how useless everyone else was, how put upon he was, how no one understood.
Not in any way suggesting your venting at your DH is upsetting him, but there's a difference between "god, I've had a shit day, you'll never guess what xxxx did" and then moving on and having a nice normal evening together, and unpleasant levels of raging which leave a cloud of crap over everyone's night - both of which can be described as venting but affect the recipient in very different ways.
Your husband doesn't understand the difference between talking about troublesome issues and using you as his emotional punching bag. Simply refuse to be one. Tell him to either get a therapist or find the door and walk through it. This is no way to live.
Generally when confronted he will either deny doing it, claim I was exaggerating it or give some kind of explanation as to why what I said/did was deserving of such a response. He REALLY cannot take any criticism
This is entirely unacceptable. Presumably his stress anger is reserved for you, he doesn't get this way with anyone else? So he sees your role as "whipping boy" as it were...he's stressed, you pay the price. How long is he going to be in this job - years? Does this mean years of putting up with unacceptable behaviour?
Your home is supposed to be your haven. Not a place where its "right Ive had a long shit day, so Im going to put my key in the door and pick arguments with my partner".
He is a grown man. If he wanted to get help to address his out of control stress levels and subsequent behaviour towards you, then he would. He is out of order. He can't take criticism but you have to put up with this shit? How disrespectful. What gives him the right to treat you or anybody like that. Being stressed at work is NO excuse for this sort of thing
Give him an ultimatum. Tell him categorically how you feel. Broken record technique, if he won't listen.. Don't let the conversation divert, don't rise to any bait, and don't make it a long talk either.
He either gets help via seeing a therapist , or he gets out. No in between.
Don't make the mistake of becoming his pseudo-therapist either, and don't go to counselling with him if it comes to that. You will simply sit in session whilst he tries to deflect his issues onto you. Do go on your own if you feel the need to
Don't put up with it for a day longer
Oh God OP, MY OH has just done the same. It's horrible xxxxxx.
Join the discussion
Please login first.