AIBU or is DH

[puzzledlady]

I have namechanged as i regularly post on here.

Back-story in a quick minute; DH's parents are not great - manipulative, emotional abusers (especially of his grandmother) and chooses to pit sibling against sibling, often to cause in-fighting. We were NC with the for abut 7 years and then his mum called to congraulate us on the birth of our child, cue the carring on like the last 7 years never happened, calling as and when etc. They have 4 children, 2 of which they dont talk to, and they pick and choose which grandchildren to keep in touch with. I got on with them - but only out of respect as they were my elders. To be honest - im so afraid that one day, somethign will happen and they will decide they dont want to speak/see my children anymore, and i will have to explain to my children why their grandparents are that way -like my SIL has had to do to her younger ones. Adults can deal with it - its my children i worry about.

The problem; I am uncomfortable about seeing them. The first time i met them after our hiatus from them (i should say they rufused to speak to us btw - but the other way round) i was so anxious i could barely breathe. It went ok - they love my daughter and pretended as though we were one big happy family. They see no wrong in how they have acted in the past and the word 'sorry' is alien to them. Ive always said if they acknowledge what they had done- it would be easier for me to reconcile things, but no. They just dont do sorrys. They have been to us once this year - and i try and as normal as i can - i dont want the enviroment to be odd for my young daughter, we have a son now (although they prefer my daughter as my mil 'prefers' little girls to boys) My husband just said they want to come again soon and i really am uncomfortable. He says im not being fair, but i feel its unfair i have to keep feeling uncomfortable and pretend everything is ok. Husband speaks to them sparodically - once every few months.

Sorry its so long - i am just so confused - do i go along and have them over because its not very often anyway? Or do i stand firm and say no. Am i being unreasonable?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You don't have to have a relationship with them. They sound like horrible people! Your DH is used to the way they are, it's a dynamic he's grown up with. It's called the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

I certainly wouldn't be exposing my children to people who think girls are better than boys, that's awful, and children can't defend themselves as well as adults so it's unfair to put them in a position where they'll be hurt and confused by being picked up and dropped back down on the whims of two cantankerous arseholes.

Please read Toxic Inlaws. You are not alone and there are ways of handling people like this. Either by pulling right back or trying to mitigate the damage.

[puzzledlady]

Thanks AnneLovesGilbert - and i apologise for my typos!

I totally agree with you you are saying re the children being exposed to people like that - i am always on egshells, wondering when the next blow-up will be and who it will affect. Its a horrid feeling. I have said to my husband that its not right, that i shouldnt have to feel this way, but he says its also not fair the children miss out on getting to know their grandparents, that they are old, that they love them etc. He refuses to see that i am anxious about the relationship. Maybe he does has FOG-thing you mentioned. I just wished he would put me and his children before his parents - he is so quick to move on and let what they have done go over our heads - its frightening. One day - something will happen and they will stop seeing our children - its just the way they are, they have been like this for years, and guess who will have to deal with the fall-out - us.

Thank you - i will read that soon.

[user1471449805]

Protect your children from these people.

[puzzledlady]

Thanks user - I really am trying my best!

[NotTheDuchessOfCambridge]

What have they done to you That they need to acknowledge OP? It’s not clear from your post. If it’s to do with your DP the. I suggest it’s something for him to decide to ignore or bring up. My friends OH had an emotionally weird upbringing and eventually, after bouts of NC and arguments, he finally managed to maintain a good relationship with them but it was harder for her to forgive as she didn’t understand how you could behave towards your own child that way.