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Did you relationship start as an affair?

(64 Posts)
Elkilil Wed 18-Oct-17 11:26:40

Mine did.. Does the guilt still consume you? I know some of you will think I deserve it.. and in some ways I guess I do. But the logical side of me doesn't think I deserve to be punished forever... I definitely known I've grown a lot since... but what is done can't be undone. The thought of living with this guilt forever scares me.

Grimmfebruary Wed 18-Oct-17 11:28:20

Yes. We've been together 6 year and have a baby on the way. I've never been happier.

Elkilil Wed 18-Oct-17 11:36:48

Grimmfebruary Did you deal with guilt? Were kids involved? Does it bother you how you started?

Movienight15 Wed 18-Oct-17 11:41:40

Yes it did . Although I know they wouldn’t be together now if we never met . They had little relationship left , had separate rooms and two unplanned children , no marriage and didn’t own a property (she told me all this ) .
Guilt is the biggest waste of energy possible . It’s not going to help anyone involved and just eats away at you.
The ex used manipulation to make DP feel guilt up until recently he put his foot down. Despite her admitting she didn’t even want him, she is bitter and twisting the DC against us .
My DH is the love of my life . You can’t pick and choose that . We are very happy and in love aside from the upset she is still causing .
After years of trying to plod on with him jumping through her hoops , it’s going to court . Hopefully this will give the dcs the stability they need as she will no longer be able to play games and lie.
We have a DC together and this has changed everything. He no longer bows down to her every demand or allows her to control him .

ineedamoreadultieradult Wed 18-Oct-17 11:46:58

Yes, but then he wasn't married and there were no children but they were a couple. I did feel guilty to begin with but ultimately I don't anymore because I can see the damage her emotional abuse has done to him. We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids and I don't regret a thing.

Grimmfebruary Wed 18-Oct-17 11:56:19

He was already separated from the person he had kids with and I had none. I did feel some guilt at the start but now I don't. So much time has passed and we've come so far so why waste the time being miserable.

Elkilil Wed 18-Oct-17 12:11:58

Mine has a young child.. his ex wasn't terrible.. just normal stuff.. he doesn't talk badly of her.. he had cheated on her previously but nothing serious like it was with me and I think he just realised he couldn't stay any longer. it's been 2 years since he left.. a lot of heartache, guilt and depression. Sometimes I'm ok.. and other times it just comes back and it doesn't leave my mind.

movienight15 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:43:09

If he had cheated on her previously then clearly the relationship wasn’t right op.
At the end of the day your life has happened the way it did . Now you are beating yourself up and missing out on enjoying it because of guilt . You need to let go for yourself and your relationship.
Try a self help book about letting go of guilt ? Focus on why you are together and the love you have . We are humans, not robots and sadly sometimes people get hurt or things don’t go the way the story books say they should . That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve forgiveness and happiness .

StaySexyDontGetMurdered Wed 18-Oct-17 12:47:53

Yes, but I was very young with no kids involved.
I haven't thought about it in years tbh. My ex was a dick (no excuse I know) and was cheating on me too. I met DH and it just felt so right, I was just lazy in dumping my ex.

How are things with your DP? You don't sound very happy.

misscph1973 Wed 18-Oct-17 12:49:00

Yes and no. I do however have moments where I wonder if I should have married someone who was happy to have an affair! Especially as we are now divorcing. Have you considered that, that really your DH should be feeling guilty, not you? He was unfaithful, not you.

candlefloozy Wed 18-Oct-17 12:49:43

Yes but we’re now married and have a child. I tried finishing it but ex wasn’t having any of it.

verbaIkint Wed 18-Oct-17 12:49:56

My Mum and Stepdad did and are very happy now. I was about 18 at the time and did not blame her one bit, my Dad was an arsehole and she deserved some happiness.
Affairs aren't black and white, they do happen for all kinds of reasons. Try not let the guilt eat you up or you'll struggle. Although it's easier said than done I know!

Elkilil Wed 18-Oct-17 13:04:01

Thank you Movienight15, I really appreciate that. We really do have a great relationship despite the situation and we have both learnt from this. I know we only live once and I don't want to waste it in guilt. I just hate the impact that I've had on another persons life because I wasn't strong enough to stay away.

Elkilil Wed 18-Oct-17 13:09:25

StaySexyDontGetMurdered we actually have a pretty good relationship, it has just had a lot of stress and pressure placed on it with divorce proceedings.. otherwise we are very open and honest with each, we love being in each other's company. His very sweet and caring towards me.

Misscph1973 He has also dealt with alotmof of guilt, mainly because of leaving his child.. his a great dad though otherwise. We have both seen councellors. I think he is getting to a stage where he is coming to terms with it more.. yet I'm a over thinker.

MotherofA Wed 18-Oct-17 14:02:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBooInABox Wed 18-Oct-17 14:16:56

Yes mine did. He was unhappy at home, she was abusive. We started as friends, we got on great. Neither of us intending it to go anywhere and we tried to stop it. But couldn't, sadly we were to into each other. He left her and the rest is history.

WombOfOnesOwn Wed 18-Oct-17 17:42:17

Yes -- for both of us.

We broke up with our then-partners in the same week, and moved in together right away.

I would say in Year 1 there were trust issues -- big ones. Hard ones to work through. But both of us rose to the occasion because we loved each other enough to make sure our conduct was always above-board. We built our trust one painstaking piece at a time.

By Year 3, the trust issues were gone and I trust him more than I've ever trusted another person in a relationship. We're approaching Year 5 now, and have one beautiful son and another on the way.

My ex was emotionally abusive (and raped me after I told him I was leaving), my DH's ex was a mooch who never worked but wanted him to pay her way through multiple trade school programs she did nothing with. We were both drowning in awful relationships.

My ex is now (at least seemingly) happily married to a lovely girl who looks oddly like me. I hope she is having an easier time with him than I ever did.

CoyoteCafe Wed 18-Oct-17 18:29:45

no, we were both single

None the less, I think that you need to find a way to forgive yourself. Beating yourself up over it doesn't help anyone. Louise Hay (my all time favorite self help author) said that if you've done something bad, then don't do it again. But still love yourself. She recommends looking at yourself in a mirror, and saying "I love you, I really love you" to yourself.

Right now I'm reading a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. It's about how shame gets in the way of living a whole hearted life, and about how to release shame. May be something like that would help you.

I wish you well, and I hope you find your peace. flowers

SkaPunkPrincess Wed 18-Oct-17 19:26:47

technically yes, but there was nothing left of my 1st marriage even before DH walked into my life. So I actually feel no guilt at all. he was also in a relationship at the time but as soon as I had decided for definite and ended my marriage he left her and here we are 5 years and two kids later happily married.

TammySwansonTwo Wed 18-Oct-17 19:34:10

Yes, both of us were in other relationships. I'd never cheated before, my relationship was an absolute mess and I fell in love with a close friend. His relationship had been over for years, I'd watched it happen - he tried to leave on a few occasions but she either did or pretended to take an overdose and he went back. He felt very trapped, my partner was already sexting other women... my affair turned into a ten year relationship, 7 year marriage and two kids. Couldn't be happier. I have no fear of him cheating on me and vice versa.

TinklyLittleLaugh Wed 18-Oct-17 19:46:57

I'd been living with someone for five years, he was dating a girl. We'd been friends for a year. Basically we'd been in love for a year and not said or done anything. Then we went out for a drink, got very drunk and kissed each other on Covent Garden station.

After that it all got very messy, very quickly. My ex was very hurt and angry and bitter. Loads of our friends hated me and I felt horribly guilty for years and years. Cripplingly, weepingly guilty.

But you know, when I had my daughters I thinking about it. My ex had this Mr nice guy persona and he could be sweet and lovely, but he was a swine after a few drinks, very emotionally abusive: once he pushed me and once he hit me. If my girls were with someone like that, I'd be telling them to run and not look back. My DP is a better man.

Angrybird123 Wed 18-Oct-17 19:54:47

I left my first marriage for my 2nd. My first husband was a lovely wonderful man who adored me. I fell in lust and got carried away. There was nothing wrong with my first marriage other than absolutely normal normality compared to the excitement of a new crush. We had no children and i wouldn't have left if we did. My 2nd husband left me and his two kids for ow and is now married to her. Over ten years on I still feel guilt for leaving my first husband. I.honestly think that we have become immensely selfish and short sighted as a society and justify causing the most atrocious pain and misery on the basis of 'soul mate', 'great love' 'the one' . Even if it's true - I don't think it's right to prioritise that over all else and i think a little more introspection and less self love might lead to people being rather less selfish and careless with others ' feelings and lives.

Angrybird123 Wed 18-Oct-17 19:54:47

I left my first marriage for my 2nd. My first husband was a lovely wonderful man who adored me. I fell in lust and got carried away. There was nothing wrong with my first marriage other than absolutely normal normality compared to the excitement of a new crush. We had no children and i wouldn't have left if we did. My 2nd husband left me and his two kids for ow and is now married to her. Over ten years on I still feel guilt for leaving my first husband. I.honestly think that we have become immensely selfish and short sighted as a society and justify causing the most atrocious pain and misery on the basis of 'soul mate', 'great love' 'the one' . Even if it's true - I don't think it's right to prioritise that over all else and i think a little more introspection and less self love might lead to people being rather less selfish and careless with others ' feelings and lives.

BackInTheRoom Wed 18-Oct-17 20:00:59

Angrybird Omg I couldn't have said it better. As someone who was betrayed by a 'Runaway Husband' mine and my kids world have been crushed. Thank you for your honestly. 💐

jeaux90 Wed 18-Oct-17 20:32:16

Angry bird how about as a society we stop peddling the one marriage for life crap instead because clearly for a lot of people it doesn't work.

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