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Am I expecting too much?

(66 Posts)
BodgersMash Tue 17-Oct-17 23:24:32

I discovered 2 months ago that DP is in massive debt. I helped him sort a plan to get out of debt, and have agreed that for now I will pay 50% of the household bills to help him have more free income to get debt free (he earns £20k more than me, so ordinarily I wouldn't think a 50/50 split was fair).

It's my 30th next year. I'd hoped to go to Florida over my 30th but a holiday is unlikely even to Folkestone let alone Florida next year in light of said money issues.

Next year I also take my final exams at uni. Today DP told me that he wants to go on a (expensive) weekend away with his friends for 4 days right before my exams. I would have liked him here to help with my son/the dog/housework/ moral support when I will be stressed out before exams, not to mentioned I am annoyed that he can somehow magic this money for a weekend away but my 30th is likely to pass without note due to finance and we are unlikely to have a holiday together.

The lads weekend happens every year, and he could go in 2019 with no issues. Am I being really selfish or is he taking the piss out of me a bit?

Santawontbelong Tue 17-Oct-17 23:26:21

The best deserving ltb of the week op. .
Cheeky fucker at its best imo. .

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 17-Oct-17 23:28:54

Thank god you're his partner, not his wife.

Get rid of him - he is dragging you down. You are FAR too generous and FAR too young to be dealing with this twat.

Seriously, you will regret it if you stay with him.

BodgersMash Tue 17-Oct-17 23:29:05

He's made me feel really unreasonable. To quote him "all your reasons for me not going are about YOU. This is something I want to do for ME". I just feel he's being so selfish, I can only take these exams once and this weekend away happens every year. I'm so angry with him and feel he's being really selfish but he's made me wonder whether it's me being selfish...

Ts27 Tue 17-Oct-17 23:29:31

He is taking the piss. He got himself into this debt and yet decides to treat himself to a lads weekend away.

What he should be doing is saying thank you for helping me out with a debt repayment plan. Thank you for agreeing to pay half my bills to enable me to pay off this debt, I will not go on a lads weekend away, instead you deserve the 30th holiday you deserve so I will instead save up for that...

He sounds very immature and If u were you I would sit down and explain this to him in a calm objective way. If he doesn't get it and continues to be selfish, You should reconsider your future with him

miniloco Tue 17-Oct-17 23:29:34

Yup he's absolutely taking the piss. How any decent person could think that's acceptable. Bellend.

BodgersMash Tue 17-Oct-17 23:32:49

He doesn't think I'm doing him a favour by paying half the bills though. When I explained that lots of people pay proportionately to what they earn, his response was "why should I be penalised for earning more?". God why am I only just thinking about this properly.... hmm he's a bit of a dick isn't
he. sad

Ts27 Tue 17-Oct-17 23:33:14

Some people can be very quick to say 'dump/ get rid of him'

He deserves a chance- we all make mistakes, sometimes selfish ones, more than once. It's very extreme to throw away a relationship as soon as a problem comes up. Talk with him, give him time but if he doesn't get it and starts behaving in a mature manner then you should reconsider.

antimatter Tue 17-Oct-17 23:35:24

So why are you penalized for him being in debt????

he is a massive dick

NotTheFordType Tue 17-Oct-17 23:38:17

Jesus H Christ on a motorcycle sidecar.

Does he call you "mum" in bed?

I wouldn't take this shit off my 22yr old son who has learning disabilities and social anxiety.

Bin this one off tout suite - unless you enjoy playing the doormat?

yoyoyoyoyo Tue 17-Oct-17 23:57:40

He hasn’t learnt OP. When this debt is cleared, in time another will accrue.

He feels hard done by, he is resentful. He isn’t acting like a decent partner even without the issue of the debt. He is monumentally selfish “What about me?”

I say that as someone who’s DP has a mate’s holiday away each year. If he had built up a debt and I was penalised and feeling it too, the holiday would not happen.

Just before your exams too? He doesn’t think your exams are very important does he? Will your qualification lead to your salary eclipsing his?

He’s a cunt. Leave him. Enjoy being single. Find a better man. He is like a whiny teenager. He won’t change.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 18-Oct-17 04:29:28

FGS, if this doesn't show you what a waste of time this manchild is, nothing will. Stay with him and he will drag you down with him. Please be smarter than that.

GirlInASwirl Wed 18-Oct-17 05:03:53

My partner was in nearly 30K of debt (gambling, living above his means etc) when I met him. Have I paid a cent towards these debts - not a jot!! I told him to get a debt plan together and get it paid off as a condition of our relationship. Has he has a luxurious holiday in the last seven years - no way! I'm sorry; but if they created the debt; he can expect to live without luxuries. Tough love protects you and encourages him to take responsibility for the money problems he has created.

Angelf1sh Wed 18-Oct-17 05:32:43

Yeah he’s being a dick.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Wed 18-Oct-17 06:14:35

My god sounds like my stbxh, you are lucky that you are not married and if I were you I would seriously reconsider this relationship. Seems he likes your money and all the other benefits you bring that make his life very easy.
You would be so much better off without this idiot.

Ellisandra Wed 18-Oct-17 06:34:13

He will get into debt again, this will be your life.

Tilapia Wed 18-Oct-17 06:49:30

How did he accrue the debt and why wasn’t he honest about it?

How can he possibly think it’s fair for him to do this while you miss out on your trip?

How long have you been together OP? He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

TheNaze73 Wed 18-Oct-17 06:53:01

His behaviour is pretty scummy. Financial lies are up there with cheating. Ditch him

runsmidgeOMG Wed 18-Oct-17 06:59:07

In answer to your question ! NO you are not expecting much at all.

No advice I'm afraid but sending you best wishes for your exams and I suggest booking a holiday for yourself with friends after they're all done to relax !

Oh and LTB

AnnaThursday Wed 18-Oct-17 07:00:15

You’re being taken for a mug, OP, he’s a brass necked user. What it amounts to is him taking your hard earned money to treat himself to a luxury weekend.
That money you’re handing over to this entitled twunt could be spent on your son.

Jenala Wed 18-Oct-17 07:06:10

What a twat! No you are not being selfish.

And the cheeky fucker isn't being penalised for earning more. Proportional is fair. You are being penalised for his debt now that you pay 50%. Are you sure he is repaying the debt as per the plan - not just keeping the money for lads holidays.

When I earned four times DPs salary I paid four times as much as him towards bills etc. It left us both with comparable money leftover. Now I'm part time and he earns twice as much as me, he puts twice as much as me towards bills.

BodgersMash Wed 18-Oct-17 07:06:16

We've been together 3.5 years. He accrued the debt from day to day overspending/not budgeting over a few years. Things like putting his train tickets on a credit card, then spending the money rather than repaying the credit card when he was reimbursed from work for the tickets.

We nearly split up when I found out about the debt and he tried to demand money from me for the increase in equity in my home since he'd been living with me and paying towards the bills confused thankfully my degree is in law and I know he's not entitled to that, although I did offer to repay him some money for the 6 months that he covered all the household bills alone whilst I was self employed and not earning much.

lollipop7 Wed 18-Oct-17 07:09:19

What a nerve.

If he's saddled with a massive debt that YOU are helping him pay off then how can he justify an expensive holiday at ANY time of the year? The fact he doesn't give a shit about supporting you through critical exams by freeing up your time and doing more to help is another issue but equally disappointing.
He's self absorbed. That would finish it for me.

In relation to the debt:holiday, if it were me I would tell him if he has the ability to consider paying for that then your current arrangement stops. Immediately. And stick to it. Not just before his expensive jaunt but from this point if he is petulant. He's taking the piss. You can't stop him from going but you can certainly stop bailing him out.

This doesn't sound like the stuff of a grown up partnership to me. If you seriously see your future with this man - and to help clear his enormous debt you must -then he has to treat you in such a way that makes you feel that your massive undertaking to him is really justified. That's the real issue here.

lollipop7 Wed 18-Oct-17 07:13:44

Just read your immediately preceding post.

I think you need to stop clearing his debt now. I suspect that you've probably replaced his equitable interest with the debt repayment but it's not recognised in writing as thus so that interest could still be established albeit circuitously. I'm fairly confident he'll try that tactic again if it was legally resolved previously.

You're being manipulated. I would not carry on with the arrangement you've been kind enough to undertake.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 18-Oct-17 07:15:07

He is not a good example to your son either is he?.

Its a pity you did not separate when you initially found out about his debts.

I can see what he gets out of this (he has you to clear up all his mess after him) but you?. What is in this still for you?. You need to be asking yourself why you still put up with this from him at all. Do you have rescuer and or saving tendencies because acting as either in a relationship simply does not work.

Re your comment:-

although I did offer to repay him some money for the 6 months that he covered all the household bills alone whilst I was self employed and not earning much

Again why did you do that?. Enabling someone like this does not work; it only gives you as his enabler a false sense of control.

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