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How do I love myself?

(11 Posts)
kittydetective Tue 17-Oct-17 20:36:42

I have an inbuilt fear of rejection.

The research I have done explains that in order to move forward with relationships and not feeling the fear of rejection is to learn to love yourself.

This is consuming my life, a daily battle.

My past is dictating my future happiness and I’ve had enough. I just want to be happy and secure.

But I don’t know how to love myself.

Anyone had this?

sourpatchkid Tue 17-Oct-17 20:39:50

Google compassionate mind therapy, or buy one of their self help books. It's not easy to learn to love yourself if you don't but the techniques they suggest can help

(Visualising a compassionate self taking to you, writing yourself compassionate letters)

humanfemale Wed 18-Oct-17 06:59:10

I’m climbing the same mountain myself, OP. Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

- Podcasts have been helpful, especially Baggage Reclaim. I have learned so much.
- Thinking in very practical terms (doing nice things that you like / avoiding horrible situations you dislike) helps to make a start
- If you are accepting bad treatment or behaviour from people around you, this needs to be addressed

Basically it’s building self esteem which will be millions of tiny steps. Maybe start one thing, big or small, per day. It could be treating yourself, or doing something that makes you feel proud of yourself.

It’s hard but can definitely be done! Also you don’t mention whether any particular events led to your dislike of yourself but this is the root and at one point you will need to deal with it to move forward. But if it feels too overwhelming for now, start with one small thing a day.

Good luck.

kittydetective Wed 18-Oct-17 09:19:03

Thank you. Very kind.

My childhood of feeling insecure is I am sure to blame.

I will try the podcasts, they sound good! I can try this in the car smile

Little steps

Hate this battle. I literally freeze with fear when I am faced with a situation that reminds me of my past 😰

cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 18-Oct-17 09:31:28

kittydetective hello smile have you thought about counselling?
For me, I have learnt to 'try' to be under to myself. We all have this little voice in our head that isn't very nice to us sometimes. One day and sat back and thought, wow, give yourself a break. Would I treat a friend this way? No? When we haven't had anyone help build our confidence, it's difficult to learn ourselves but we can! It's our thoughts. We have to change our thoughts.
I have stopped being so emotionally available to people that drain me.
I try to think of all the good that I have achieved instead of looking at the negative impacts throughout my upbringing.
Why would you not want to love yourself op? I bet you can name at least 10 things that make you truly amazing! Then there will be no stopping you!
Little steps! Each day do one little thing that makes you smile smile

sparklymarion Wed 18-Oct-17 09:37:45

I was a very insecure person and didn't really feel I was worthy of anyone I know now this stems from my childhood. Seeming when all of this feel into place through therapy and I actually realised that if my husband and did leave me that I would survive and that also I have something kind of special the man adores me then I started to
Move on.

I'm still insecure when I'm down and feeling a bit low but overall I've worked through my issues realised
I'm a strong kind person who sometimes feels a bit down on occasion but needs to pick her self and and look at all of the positives she has in her
Life and the positive she does for others .

Thinkingofausername1 Wed 18-Oct-17 09:40:59

I am too continually fighting this battle.
CBT has helped me. I had a really good therapist, who helped me learn to do things for ‘’me’. It’s helped a lot and I’m feeling a bit more content. Could you ask your gp about CBT? smile

kittydetective Wed 18-Oct-17 10:28:31

@sparklymarion you describe your fears the same as mine.

I have found love late in life, having been hurt and trodden on by many “frogs”

Whilst everything is going well at the moment (apart from normal niggles, which I presume ARE NORMAL?)

I am constantly thinking “what if this goes wrong? Everything else went wrong before so this probably will”

I’ve realised I am “happy” on my own but I think that’s just existing not living.

Christ this is hard!!!!!

Offred Wed 18-Oct-17 10:51:07

I think there are usually two levels to this;

1. Daily self care; giving yourself gifts (even if it is just saying to yourself I am going to sit and drink a cup of tea quietly for half an hour), CBT type techniques to distract from inner critic/anxiety, I have a whiteboard with a mix of reminders (affirming quotes I like or have written to myself) etc


2. Identifying and unpicking the root cause; where did the insecurity come from, how can I deal with the source. Maybe through self help books but especially in therapy.

sparklymarion Wed 18-Oct-17 10:56:18

I used to play scenarios in my head what if my husband left, cheated etc and I realised it wasn't Healy and
Actually I'd have to pull myself together..

You didn't cause your childhood issues remember this make a
List for us all of the positives... do you have friends job roof over your head clean clothes god etc .. start simple ... appreciate the small things enjoy them join some classes
Learn to love life it's hard but when I least wanted it I met my husband but this was because I was happy x

SilverySurfer Wed 18-Oct-17 20:58:55

This may sound like mumbo jumbo but it worked for me. I started by learning not to allow another person's negativity to remain in my mind. If someone said something mean or unhelpful I would visualise the thought written on a piece of paper, screw it up into a ball and mentally throw it back at the other person. It took some practice but you learn to take control of what dwells in your thoughts and they should be positive.

Think about what you like about yourself? There must be lots of good things - maybe you are kind to animals, help family if in need, or you're a good friend, you have certain principles which you live by, won't steal, don't like violence, will not knowingly have a relationship with someone who is married, think about whatever these might be and feel happy about them. Reward yourself with a mental 'well done' or a 'pat on the back' if you do something good.

Good luck smile

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