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Not sure abour marriage

(10 Posts)
snash12 Tue 17-Oct-17 19:47:47

I am hoping for a bit of advice please.

I recently became engaged to my partner, the proposal was very romantic and I was surprised and very happy in the moment.

We have been together 4 years, live together, no children together but he has two teenage sons from a previous marriage. I am 34 and he is 47.

Until being engaged It didn’t cross my mind at all about the very long term future for myself but since being engaged I’ve been thinking a lot and now have quite a few feelings and thoughts of “do I want to vow to spend the rest of my life (or his) with my partner?”
Even thoughts such as I’ll never go on a date with a new person ever again or get that excited / nervous feeling in my stomach when you like someone and they like you back and it’s new.

My parents and his parents are both pleased and we have shared champagne, people have asked about what kind of wedding, where and I just feel a bit boxed in and like this is it

Can anyone offer any reassurance, should I tell my partner I don’t want to be engaged or will that hurt his feelings. I already feel like I will let people down if I hurt him by stopping this

Lesley1980 Tue 17-Oct-17 22:51:47

If it doesn't feel right it's not for you.

Years ago I was engaged & completely in love, planning a wedding & something changed. I still loved, liked & fancied him but I just didn't want to marry him. I could have stayed with him & been ok but I just knew I didn't want to marry him. He was fine, but not the one.

Myheartbelongsto Tue 17-Oct-17 22:55:52

I was engaged to someone else before I met and married my ex husband. As he slipped the ring on I just knew it was never going to happen.

He proposed by asking me did I want a cheese sandwich and spelt out marry me with bits of cheese!

Might have had something to do with it!

wobblywonderwoman Tue 17-Oct-17 22:57:34

He is obviously totally in love with you so think very carefully about what you are going to do.
Listen to yourself though. I don't think he is right.

What I can't figure out is how, at 34, it didn't enter your mind that a man of 47 wouldn't want to settle down with you. Do you want children yourself? (I don't need to know but if you do - is it with him)

Bibbidee Tue 17-Oct-17 23:03:53

Based on your post, I think you're getting cold feet. Do you think you're in love with the beginning stages of new relationships when you get those excited feelings? Is it slightly deflating that you've finally found someone who loves you enough to marry you and now you're left feeling a bit meh? 🤔

Aquamarine1029 Wed 18-Oct-17 03:50:52

First of all, you don't marry someone because of what anyone else will think of you call it off. What they think simply doesn't matter, and as a grown woman, you should be mature enough to realise this. Secondly, if you are having huge doubts that just will not go away you should not get married. It doesn't matter that you love together or care for him very much. Marriage is completely different from living together, and anyone who is/has been married will attest to this. You need to feel good about this decision, and asking for advice on mumsnet proves you don't. Slow down, perhaps get some counseling, and disregard what anyone else thinks.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 18-Oct-17 03:52:16

Sorry, my damn phone changes i's to o's at random. *if, *live

GirlInASwirl Wed 18-Oct-17 04:52:18

Yes it will hurt his feelings and some people may feel let down. You know what ...? They will recover from that. Only you know what you feel about being together, forever. It is quite easy to get emotional/feel elated at the time of the proposal - and get swept away by that. That's just a few moments in time. And life is too short to waste in a relationship where you have different priorities. If you do decide that you don't want to be married - it is fairer to tell him as soon as you are sorted with somewhere else to live, finances etc (just to be secure). I feel for you both. Hope things work out whichever way you choose

highinthesky Wed 18-Oct-17 04:56:57

Opt for a long engagement and ban all wedding talk whilst you sort your head out, OP. And seriously consider whether you want kids whilst you’re at it.

It would be a shame to throw away a decent relationship that is otherwise making you happy.

snash12 Wed 18-Oct-17 08:22:13

Thanks everyone, some great words of advice.

I do definitely want children for those that have asked.

@wobblywonderwoman - it certainly entered my mind but also he has been married before for almost 20 years so I thought he may not want to commit to another marriage.

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