Being completely upfront, I'm going to write this post as me, 2 years ago would have done:
I'm so annoyed. Me and my husband have just moved in to a house together. It's the first property that we have bought and my parents have invested in it too. My husband has a pretty shit track record with money and he had amounted a, smallish, amount of debt on credit cards which he told me about a year or so ago. I was angry that he has hidden it but because I knew that we would be wanting to buy somewhere in the not too distant future, I used my inheritance from my Grandparents estate to pay it off. I was very clear that I wasn't happy about it but I wanted to secure a decent future for all of us so I was prepared to use that money to do it, and he knew where that money came from. Anyway, since then we have been sensible with money to ensure we have good credit scores and can get the mortgage. That's all sorted but I've just found out he's racked up a couple of thousand pound of debt. There's also a payment related to his father, who he is estranged from, that he told me he hadn't made. I'm so angry with him for lying. He's said that he didn't want to worry me and that monthly costs are higher than he anticipated so he just put it on his credit card and overdraft where possible so I wouldn't know about it, but for my sake, not to worry me. I've told him that I won't bail him out again, not that I have the money too but I could ask my family for help. Mostly I'm so pissed off that I used the money from my grandparents to sort us out for the future and he's put us on a back foot again. And the lies. The lies piss me off. If we can't afford the monthly costs, why not discuss it with me so we can figure it out together, rather than keeping me in the dark?
What do you think? What would you do in this situation?
Financial abuse, possibly, but not from your side. He is abusing your trust. Is it possible you are both unrealistic about the cost of living and the way you work your bills out in terms of your earnings? My ex ran up a lot of debt, so much so I will never have any financial things tied up with someone else again <bitter>
I would go against the grain and say this could be financial abuse, as I've experienced it myself. My exh kept me in a constant state of worry and not spending money on myself as I feared what debt he was getting in to. It was intentional and calculated
Because of his actions, and my fear of the debt he would get in to, I constantly scrimped and felt guilty for spending anything on myself while he spent freely on stupid things.
Two years down the line and we are no longer together. It turns out it wasn't just money he lied about. He cheated on me and has lied every step of the way since, wracking up more and more debt to spend on the OW and not contributed towards his children.
It's a shit situation all round but I do feel relieved to not have the burden of him financially anymore.
As an aside, but on the subject of money. The day things started going downhill is when I felt guilty for spending £3 on buying a top for my daughter when he had spent £100 out drinking the night before.
And that's a shitty situation and you're well rid but he wasn't financially abusing you - you were worried about HIS debt and curbing your spending. He wasn't worried and wasn't curbing his spending, he was getting debt in his name that he would have to pay off.
He wasn't incuring debt in your name or telling you you couldn't spend X or whatever on a top - you were worrying about the debt HE was getting into and adjusting your spending. Because you're a nice person and felt you were in a partnership. But he wasn't controlling your access to money, your spending or getting you in debt.
He fucked up things for himself and he's dealing with the consequences. Whether or not you freely chose to pay off his debt before is neither here nor there - you offered because it benefitted (wanting to be a debt free couple for the future) you at the time and he accepted.
I understand why you'd be fucked off that after all your kindness, he cheated on you and spent loads of money on an OW but it's his debt that he's paying off now and it doesn't mean he was financially abusive.