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This is my thread(9 Posts)
And I have put off writing it because I'm so scared of the future and this is the first step.
Me and DH both second marriage, me: 2 DC from previous marriage, him: one DC from previous marriage, all DC were living with us but my eldest DS moved away for college to his DF and now is living with my parents.
We have been married 5 years. I sold my house to move in with him and due to previous marriage I was in a lot of debt at the time due to exH buggering off and leaving me and the DC with all his debt and bills.
Because of my shit credit rating at the time DH bought the house in his name only just before we got married. It's still in his name as it's only just now that CCjs are dropping off (I only had one I thought and then when that dropped off another 'appeared' on my credit rating and still has 8 months to dissappear )
I have nothing to my name at 45.
DH has a family business that I work in and am a partner in. But it is all lipservice really because HE is the business. Without him none of it would work. It does really well.
He belittles me all the time. Tells me that I am nothing and he can put me back to where I was any time. He is controlling, puts down my DC all the time (eldest is about to drop out of college which he was lucky to be doing due to no grades and special needs).
He slags off my DD saying she is feral (she IS a teenager but she isn't feral, she does her work and what she is asked and told but is a bit moody)
He constantly goes on about DSS who absolutely hates me and doesn't speak to me. SS got in my face last week and screamed at me to fuck off and H says I asked for it and he is expecting me to apologise.
I feel miserable but there is this stupid part of me that still loves him because when we get on it can be lovely but I know I am 'institutionalised'. If I think something positive about myself I instantly hear his voice in my head telling me how shit I am.
His company is successful but was very antiquated and was dying off when I started then and I modernised it and used my learned skills to bring in a lot of customers. He gives me no credit for it.
I feel wretched but I have nowhere to go. My DF is ill and my DM is struggling to cope with him and my DS is living with my DP because he fell out with his F.
Not a week goes by where I don't think about leaving.
I am mid 40s with nothing to my name, no house, no car, no money and two dependent DC. My DD just moved to a new school and is happy and settled and the weight of the worry of moving her away from her new friends is huge.
I feel like I'm drowning.
What a horrid situation you’re in. I didn’t really have any solid advice but didn’t want to read and run.
I would see a solicitor and start getting my ducks on a row. I left my STBXH with only my clothes and the kids. You can do it too. It’s hard but it’s worth it not to have that constant feeling of dread with you all the time.
I’m sure you won’t leave the marriage with nothing, you’ll be entitled to a share of the matrimonial assets regardless of names on mortgages. Contact Land Registry and put a Charge of interest (I think it’s called) best thing I ever did! Start stashing some money to give yourself a cushion for if/when you leave.
Thank you for the reply Stella.
I am wanted to start a thread for such a long time but haven't because I didn't want to admit that things were as shit as they are.
I am hiding money but don't have a lot put by.
He has a good accountant who can make him look like he has nothing on paper. I won't be able to afford a solicitor.
First step, gather evidence that proves you are contributing to the mortgage. Even bank statements snowing transfers from you to him called 'mortgage payment'.
Second. Speak to solicitor.
It sounds to me he's putting you down to keep you in your place through his own need to emotionally control and abuse you. It doesn't mean that what he says is true. It means he's a bully and a scared little boy. Best way to deal with bullies, stand up to them, hand him divorce papers and tell him to fuck himself. I doubt you'd leave with nothing and if you prove you've contributed then all the Better.
You need to get legal advice.
Are you getting child support from your ex? Child benefit?
You will not walk from this marriage empty handed.
As you're married, that means that the house also belongs to you. The skills you used in your work and to turn the business round will be really valuable for you to get a job or set up your own business. Do you have contacts in the industry? Is anybody hiring?
Your dd might be happy with her friends and school but she won't be happy loving with your husband and witnessing her belittling her mother and the huge double standards.
Gather as much evidence of how well the business is doing .orders. spreadsheet, bank account statements etc.
Get a 30 min free consultation. Write down what you want to discuss before going in.
I didn’t contribute on a regular basis financially to the household as I was a sahm but I paid for a new kitchen, bathroom and other major improvements. My solicitor told me that it made no difference as we were married I automatically have rights.
He’s a bully and when he realizes he’s losing control he’ll probably turn on the charm or promise you he’ll be fair. Take that with a pinch of salt. Be strong, honestly it’s worth it!!
He might be able to prove he earns nothing on paper but you can prove otherwise. As PP suggested start filing little bits away, you are entitled to your share of money and proceeds from the business. Get that solicitor booked and they will hopefully explain to you your options (and they might not look so bad) and give you the confidence to set yourself free
Just wrote a long message on my phone and lost it! So I'll try to remember it...
You don't have nothing. You have half all marital assets (at least), regardless who is on the mortgage. Do you have access to any paperwork re the company? or does he lock it all away. Do some serious digging to find all and every paperwork you can. Copy and store somewhere safe.
Abusers have a knack of sensing when their victims are pulling away/getting some strength - so act your socks off. Look compliant and that nothing has changed. I WOULDN'T be telling him to go fuck himself bcs then he'd pull up the drawbridge, leaving you stranded. Do all the sleuth work first - then you're free to go tell him to fuck himself when you're safe and dry.
Get your first half hour with a solicitor free - Womens Aid will have a list of all family law firms that offer this (and are au fait with domestic abuse). Your local WA office here.
Do get on the Freedom Programme as soon as. You'll be glad you did. Your kids will be glad you did. It's an amazing course and will empower you overnight.
You have MUCH more power than you realise. Don't be feeling crap that at 45 you [feel you] have nothing. You have more than you realise. Plus you, we, live in the west so all is not lost.
Keep going. You can do it. You need to get your kids out of this terrible dynamic xx
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