Help! My partner doesn't want anymore children

[99hippos]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a dilemma and was wondering if I could have some wise words or experiences, whether they are personal or through friends.

I met my wonderful partner 2 years ago. I am 34 and he is almost 39. He has two wonderful children to his ex (4 & 7). We have the little ones 50% of the time and his ex is amazing. Herself, my partner and I get along amazingly and I know I am so very, very lucky to have it that way. If I say 'the kids', I'm talking about his, but I adore them with everything I have*.

On our second date he asked me flat out 'Do you want kids one day?'. I answered quickly with a big 'yes'. I saw his face, full of either sadness or disappointment. I stated 'Your face is telling me that you don't want any?', to which he replied "I've had a vasectomy". I was at a point then and there, that I would just give this a go and see how it all went after hearing stories that sometimes people change their minds, and who knew if we would last or even get to that stage anyway.

We were honest with each other from the very start. We continued to see each other and are both extremely happy. We had been to see a specialist about getting a reversal done as he had warmed to the idea of us having a baby together. Then he told me a few weekends ago that "I don't want any more children".

I'm lost. This is a man who has treated me better than any other I have ever known and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I adore him and the kids to the ends of the earth. We've discussed openly about getting married one day, where we want to live in 15 years time, once the kids have grown up, where we want to travel next, where our next camping and fishing trip will be etc.

My confusion is, that I am raising his children with him, as my own, along side of him. I don't understand why us having a child together is going to make a massive difference. I would like one of my own, because I'm not trying to take the place of the kids Mum.

We have both openly spoken about where we're at right now after his words and he's told me that this is something he's not willing to budge on. I've asked if it has anything to do with his ex (she cheated) and him not wanting kids to two different women (he's told me that was a concern a wile back), I've also asked if it was mentally difficult, in the sense he is very hands on and worked his butt off to support her from the time she fell pregnant with their first. He's told me that he loves our life the way it is, because we have the kids for half of the time and do wonderful exploring, but then we have our time and it's incredible. It's our time together.

I've asked if he's worried about going in for the reversal because it's more prodding and cutting at his manhood and he's told me no. It's a simple, 'He doesn't want to have any more'.

May I have some insight please, because I'd like us to have something that we've created together, especially when I'm raising his kids with him when their own Mumma isn't there.

To add fuel to the fire of confusion, I'm not 100% I want them. I have days. Days where I would love a little one, and then days where I can't imagine giving up our fantastic lifestyle. Were all of you Mummas 100% sure that you wanted kids?

I'd love some non-judgemental advice if possible please

[GnomeDePlume]

I am afraid you already know the answer. You cant have it all, you cant have your life with your DP and his DCs and your own DC. Your choice is stay or go. Stay and learn to accept your life as it is - perhaps get some help with this. Perhaps get some joint help so that you can both talk in a facilitated way.

If you leave you have no guarantee that you will get the life you want.

[Hamiltoes]

Well... to answer your question directly, I personally didn't really want kids but decided as a teenager if I was going to have them, I'd have them very young so I could still have a career and not have to have a big gap to bring up children later on. So that's what I did, one at 17 and the other at 20 and then 100% focused on my career. I never got to an age where I had a strong urge to have babies, it was quite a calculated thing for me.

If you want my opinion, I really don't think it's acceptable to force your partner into having more children with you. I suppose I am the same in that my kids are well past the baby stage, and I've made it 100% clear to any potential partner from the start that under no circumstances will I be having any more. If someone tried to make me go back on that they'd have two choices- stop askinh or there is the door! I would lose all respect for a man who tried to force me to do something I had made clear I didn't want to do.

I think you know you have those same two choices, as hard as it is. You're doing an amazing thing for his kids and sound like you have a brilliant relationship with them, although I realise it's really not the same as having your own. Does your need for children overshadow your wish to be with him? Because I'm sorry but I don't realistically see you being able to have both.

[LaughingElliot]

Yes sorry, he’s been very clear and you would be unwise to stay in the belief that he may change his mind. It won’t go well. You need to accept that your choices are to stay and not have your own children or go.

I admire his honesty and clarity. I loathe how so many men go into fatherhood in such a half hearted fashion. Children are a huge commitment.

[NotMyMonkees]

So sorry you've found yourself in this position. I can't tell you what to do obviously, but if it were me I'd seriously think about cutting ties while there's still time to meet someone who does want children. It sounds as if, at the moment, your maternal needs are covered by step parenting, but the reality is if at some point down the line you split, you'd have no rights to the kids you love so much.

[99hippos]

Thank you for the feedback so far, I appreciate it.

I'm never going to force him in to something he doesn't want to do, otherwise I would have had kids already at my age. He was the one who was considering the change and it just happened to fall in my favor.

I'm only new to this page so I don't know how to tag or specifically comment but GnomeDePlume, I like your last sentence.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[99hippos]

NotMyMonkees , that is also one of my main concerns, although I'm trying not to think about the future like that.

Another point is that I have quite a few friends who have ended up with partners who contribute very little and are still not happy. Where I have an incredible guy with already beautiful children.

P.S could someone let me know how to tag users so I can reply at all?

[Lokissister]

I'm in a similar situation, difference being dp has 2 dc, I have 2 dc and we already have one together. I'm desperate for another baby but he has said no, and is planning on getting a vasectomy after the new year.

I'm devastated, but ultimately I can force him to want another child, nor would I want to have another child with him if he doesn't want it - I know he'd probably love it just all the same but if you reverse the situation I wouldn't just have another baby I didn't want if he asked me to.

It is a hard one, but what you need to do is decide if your desire to have a child is stronger than your love for him. You're still young and could easily not emotionally move on to another relationship where you both want the same thing.

[Lokissister]

To tag, you @ before the username

[Lagerthaisfabulous]

I think you put a @ before their name to tag in.

This isnt an easy one. I have 2 kids my youngest is 6 and dh is now stbex.

If i am to date again i wouldnt date anyone who wanted kids again. I am not having more kids. So i get how he feels. But i couldnt hold someone back from having them.

Thats the road to resentment, imo.

[gamerchick]

Looks like you need to choose.

Reversals aren’t always that straightforward, the longer you leave it the more chance it won’t work. The husband tried around 7 years after his and it was too late. There are other ways but they’re more invasive.

If you want babies, you may have to find someone else to have them with.

[AdalindSchade]

You don't need to tag people really - just put their name in bold using * on either side if you want to name check.
Vasectomy reversal isn't guaranteed to work anyway, even if he did it you may not have a baby. I think it's rough on you but it's the risk you took when you started the relationship and now you have to roll with it. It's painful though - nobody will deny that.

[SeaCabbage]

I don't blame him. He has come out of a divorce, started a fabulous relationship with you and can have proper time with you. Why would he want to give up all that? No time, no energy, being pulled in all different directions?

If you can, I would accept all that you have now and look on the bright side. Also, you do have a bit of time, just to see how things go with him to make sure he is worth the sacrifice . Kids are hard work.

[ShatnersWig]

OP I'm afraid this is a problem of your own making. You knew from date two he had a vasectomy and he didn't want children. Unless you were on the same page and knew you didn't want children, you should have stopped seeing him. He's told you repeatedly he doesn't want any more. If you had any desire for children you should have got out then and looked for a partner that didn't have a vasectomy and either definitely did or was at least open to having kids.

Your post is very much coming across as someone who really wants kids, not someone who might. You're 34 and have, effectively, wasted two years of your life and he is going to be upset and presumably so will his kids be if you leave. But I think you have to. It may turn into resentment. Go find a man who wants the same things that you do

[bluebell34567]

agree with ShatnersWig

[ferando81]

Well he has kids so he feels fulfilled on that score.He knows the hard work and isn't prepared to go through that again.but if he loved you enough he would be prepared to put his own feelings aside.
He has it perfect at present ,kids half the time but enough free time to spend with you and indulge his own passions.
Tough decision .If you stay you will probably resent him for this and might end up splitting up anyway ,but by then you might be to old to have kids.

[ShatnersWig]

but if he loved you enough he would be prepared to put his own feelings aside.

NO, NO, NO. Sorry but that's just so much bullshit. Funny how no one ever says to a woman "sorry, if you loved him enough you would be prepared to put your own feelings aside and not have children".

It's bollocks.

[MoreProseccoNow]

Totally agree with ShatnersWig.

Us women can be very good at listening, but not hearing. (Ie believing what we want to hear).

He has been honest & straightforward with you. I agree the resentment about having children will eat away at your love for him. There is no compromise here. You have the added complication of the ticking clock at age 34 - you really don’t have any more time to waste here if you want children of your own.

[Cricrichan]

Children is something that I would never compromise on. Your still young enough to find someone you could have children with.

I'm too old to have kids now but even if I could I wouldn't have anymore kids no matter how.much I loved.them.

[user1471449805]

Could be he doesn't want kids with you, could be he's not committed to the relationship, could be he just doesn't want more kids - we can't tell you.

But 2 years in, he knows it's important to you - if he was going to change his mind he would've by now.

[CockacidalManiac]

but if he loved you enough he would be prepared to put his own feelings aside.

What the actual fuck?!

[prettywhiteguitar]

My friend was in your position, she stayed. Eventually she decided after a decade she really wanted kids with him and he's finally relented. But he is in his 50's and she her 40's, he had a reversal and they are ttc now

[Butterymuffin]

I know you say you're not 100% but giving up the idea of having your own child, forever, is a big deal. Sadly I think you should walk away. It may be that losing you altogether might make him think again, but also it may not. But he's asking a lot of you - it's hard to raise someone else's kids, even when all parties are on good terms. As others have said, the resentment will build. Don't put yourself in a position where five years from now you are full of resentment and regret.

[Redglitter]

Even if he did desperately want more children the fact he's had a vasectomy is a major thing. A friend of mine was in a similar position. Her husband had his reversed and it made no difference. They tried for years before admitting defeat. Even if he did have a reversal you could still end up with no child of your own.

Is it worth giving up what you have to then try and meet someone new and then try for a baby with them. Is it worth giving it up for a baby that might not happen. Its a horrible situation to be in

[KityGlitr]

I have a lot of admiration for your partner, he isn't bullshitting you just being honest. It'd have been so easy for him to pretend it's fear of the operation etc stopping him but even when you suggested that he stuck to his guns that he simply doesn't want more kids.

I also don't fully believe you're on the fence about it either, if you didn't have a massive urge to have one you wouldn't be in this predicament. Being honest with yourself and your gut, if he said let's try tomorrow you'd jump at it. Whereas him saying 'no' has got you devastated and questioning everything.

You should walk away now if you want your own kids. You could be with this guy for years until you're no longer fertile and then he leaves you and you lose his kids. You still have time to meet someone and have your own!

[crazyontheweekend]

Whilst I respect this guy for being honest with you and (asyou know you can't force him to have more kids), I agree with a previous poster in that he is asking a lot of you to never have the chance to have kids. That would be a huge deal breaker for me. For most women. I think the only thing you can do is to think hard about how you'll feel in 5-10 years time when your fertile years are coming to a close and your biological clock is ticking loudly (speaking from my 41 year old perspective here). I want more children (and never thought I would) and it is painful beyond belief not having the choice to. You need to work out if your love for him is greater than your potential regret in 5-10 years time. Good luck OP. It's a tricky one.