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Not married, financially what's the worse that can happen?(33 Posts)
Thank you in advance for any advice you can give.
My DP and I are not married. Two young dc.
I earn more than DP; I have a pension and savings.
DP earns slightly less, contributes proportionally much less to the household, has only just started a pension and has no savings. Early on in our relationship when we began living together, bills he had been in charge of paying were often paid late and went to red warnings. It put the fear of god into me and I ended up taking over nearly all the bill paying.
Our relationship is unbalanced financially and is something I am trying to begin to sort out. I am very sensible with money and like to save. DP isn’t reckless but rarely knows how much money he has and he definitely feels he ‘pays his share’. He doesn’t. After his one small bill, his salary is spent on himself. After my many bills, my money is spent on non ‘bill’ family stuff - DC clothes, DC clubs, holidays etc. I don’t have any money left to save.
The current set up of me paying much more bills than him 90% to his 10%, despite only earning 10% more than him is making me feel very stressed and resentful.
We have separate bank accounts.
Neither of us have a will.
Our house is in our joint names. But I put down all the deposit from my careful saving in my twenties and a small inheritance. He received an inheritance in his twenties, before we met, and blew it all on frivolous things.
I am feeling quite distant from him at the moment. I’m hoping this will pass. Maybe it will. Or maybe we may one day break up.
If we did, I would live with the children I am sure.
So basically, is there anything I need to do financially to look after myself financially and secure the best financial situation for our children.
I realise I may sound smug and possibly unfair towards DP. I feel like he has had ten years of profiting from my savings and earnings and low responsibilities regarding life admin.
In other ways he’s a good DP and DF.
With the current situation what’s the worse that could happen financially if we did break up?
In your case, I strongly advise you to get a financial advisor who can give you the facts and sound advice. The one thing I do know - don't marry this man.
Did you take any steps to ring fence your deposit? Do you hold as joint tenants or tenants in common?
I’d assume you didn’t protect your deposit and you are joint tenants. If you separated he’d be entitled to half the equity. If you died he’d become the sole owner of your house.
See a lawyer, get the tenancy severed and make a will, leaving your half to the children. If he kicks up shit then you know where you stand.
And do a proper budget based on what you've spent as a family in the last year, large expected expenses (holiday, car,, xmas etc) and creating an emergency fund.
Show it to your dp and tell him what he needs to pay each month as his share.
What Moose said!
Also, what about this as a system,
Work out the actual cost of running your household. Bills, food, childcare etc. Set up one joint bank account, the house account. Get all the direct debits / standing orders for bills paid from that account.
Work out between you how much you need to pay into this account each month. It may be that you give him a modest concession as he earns less.
Each set up a standing order on every pay day that transfers the right amount of money into that account.
Drawing up tne list of payments in itself should demonstrate to him how much you pay, and he doesn't. Each having seperate responsibilities for bills is a trap, IMO.
Oh, and check who is named as a beneficiary on your pension pot.
Thank you all. It’s been helpful to just write it down and to hear your responses.
I still can’t tell if I’ve been taken for a mug. Does it read badly? Or is this just a difference in approaches to finance coupled with difference in earnings?
One of the reasons we’ve never got married is that I knew I’d end up shouldering the costs and organising everything.
At best he is just lazy and me possibly controlling. At worst he is totally entitled and I’ve been a fool.
I didn’t know about ring fencing. Thank you I will investigate that. And set up a will.
He can get quite angry at the suggestion he doesn’t pay his way so that often shuts down any discussion of money. I now realise it’s not in his interest to have it out with me as it’ll just mean he has to contribute more.
I so naively went into this set up when I was young and in love, before the kids. What a fucking mess.
Cross posted Camper. Thanks, yes will do this.
He’s the beneficiary of my pension
Think about making your children the beneficiary?
Well, he isn't paying his way, and it isn't fair, is it?
Do you know if we had gotten married, if all this would automatically go to him rather than our children?
I guess I thought we were replicating a married situation with all but the piece of paper.
I think you needed to ring fence the deposit when you bought the house. Retrospectively, he will have to agree. What do you want to do? Sit down with the incomings and outgoings and point it out to him. He sounds very selfish. Where are your treats and fun spends for the three of you?
Without a will, I think it’s 250k goes to the spouse and the rest to the children. Unless the figure has changed. Don’t get married though.
OP it does read badly. He is massively taking the piss. I would having it and in light of your comments about feeling distant I’d be looking to part. Problem there is what happens to the hose that is sitting with your deposit.
Don't get married. As everyone else has said.
Please see a solicitor. As you have children together and possibly a home together there are certain legal and financial consequences should you break up. Thankfully much less though than if you were married.
He sounds like a taker. Especially After his one small bill, his salary is spent on himself. After my many bills, my money is spent on non ‘bill’ family stuff - DC clothes, DC clubs, holidays etc
You could sit down and work everything out, pound for pound, in relation to his contribution and yours. You will get lots of clarity doing this alone! You could also include all the other things you each bring to the marriage.
Personally I could never live with a "taker" like that. I would lose all respect. He sounds like he's been taking the P for a long time.
I lived with one of those. I am so thankful we never married.
The current set up of me paying much more bills than him 90% to his 10%, despite only earning 10% more than him is making me feel very stressed and resentful
Read your original post again. Sounds like you have worked it out.
Just how dare he. A cocklodger isn't he. Maybe with a bit of "childcare" thrown in? I don't know your set up there. You'd get more of that most likely if you separated. And you'd be better off! Win Win!
I really hate it when men exploit women financially, which is what he's doing. He probably thinks he's got you over a barrel because you have children together.
I meant emotionally over a barrel. He has very much reduced legal rights because you are not married (thankfully).
Thank fuck you are not married.
Definately write a list and total of what you pay and what he pays and tell him he needs to start paying a lot more.
He has taken the piss out of you big time.
Did you protect your house deposit when buying the house to state it's yours if you sell? Could you afford to live without him?
No, don't marry him. Do take some financial advice though.
I think that you would have to get him to agree to the ring fencing your deposit retrospectively.
I'd give him an ultimatum on this - you're sick of the imbalance and the fact he prioritises spending on himself means that you feel like you shoulder the responsibility. Tell him his choices are:
- agree to ring fencing so that you feel more secure, then you want him to agree to save a certain % each month and you are happy to carry on taking the more responsibility for bills as you would then feel that your extra contribution is recognised.
- he refuses, in which case that tells you that his priority is HIM over the family, in which case the gloves are off and he contributes relative to his wage and pays his way as he's already at an ultimate financial advantage re the house.
Put it that way - about you feeling unappreciated - and I bet he'll go for A to avoid paying his way now.
Then you'll at least have your original input safe if longer term he doesn't pull his socks up.
Thank you all for your wisdom - both emotionally and financially. They’ve been really sobering to read.
I had expected at least half to tell me that being in a relationship means my money is his money.
I’ve gone along with this for too long now. I’ve realised he wants an easy life so does very little. I want an easy life so do nearly everything without complaint.
I always think of myself as this strong independent woman. How the fuck have I got myself into this situation
You might be in it now, but you certainly don't have to stay in it. Number 1, do what you need to in order to protect yourself and your assets, number 2, maybe it's time for a come to Jesus discussion with your partner. He is deluding himself if he thinks what he's contributing is adequate - and I'm not talking just about money. He sounds positively useless.
Whatever you decide to do OP, before you speak to him, see a solicitor first, please. There really is no point in having a discussion with him until you know legally where you stand. You might find yourself agreeing to things you don't need to agree to and so forth. And you will be much weaker because you don't know where you stand. You may be in a much stronger position than you think, but you need to find out exactly where you stand with a good solicitor first. Don't let him exploit you post-relationship should you choose to end it. Also you can be much more civil about it once you know where you stand and the facts. There would be no need for arguments as you would have most of it organised in your head in advance. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.
£300 spent on a good initial discussion with a solicitor could save you £3,000 or £30,000 or even thousands more in the future, depending on your finances! It could also save you lots of heartache.
If your money is his, then his is also yours. Work out how much income you have jointly, take away the cost of bills, take away some for savings and split the rest of it three ways, then you both get the same spare money and the third split is for things like taking the children out or pocket money.
This would be the biggest turn off for me. At the end of the day the reality is that you would get a bigger contribution from him via CMS than what he is giving voluntarily!
I would definitely look into ring fencing your deposit and possibly making moves to leave. I couldn't live with someone like that,
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