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I hate my husband(38 Posts)
Every time my husband and I argue he threatens to leave me. Sometimes he'll calm down, sometimes he storms off to the pub or out for the day, leaving me with the kids, sometimes he'll go to his mum's house for a couple of days a couple of times he's gone to a hotel. Where ever he goes, he always comes back and he then acts completely normally and expects me to too. He does it about twice a week. He's literally told me he's leaving me and wants a divorce hundreds of times. Then the next day he'll be telling me he loves me and planning going away for a weekend together.
Every time he says he's going I panic and get really upset and that this time he's really going. He says that he'll stop paying for everything and I'll be left with the mortgage and all the bills and I'll have to take him to court to get child maintenance.
These aren't after bad arguments. He usually does something really passive aggressive and then when I react and get upset he calls me a psycho and says he wishes he hadn't married me because he could be happier with someone who wasn't such a miserable bitch etc. He used to call me a slag and a slut a lot. He has been physically violent with me but has stopped since I called the police on him. He always says that he'll find someone else and have a happy life and a new family with them. He basically knows how to press all my buttons and I fall for it every time.
I tell him I won't accept his behaviour but I always do. In fact I beg him not to leave and then beg him to come back.
I told him that he's a bully but he says that calling someone a bully is actually being a bully and that actually it's all me and he won't put up with me. He's started accusing me of all the things he does to me and saying that I abuse him and make him feel vulnerable.
Aside from all the arguing, he also cheated on me when our baby was 8 months old. He didn't admit it but I could just tell he'd done something. I asked him and asked him and asked him, but he denied it. It got to the point where I couldn't think about anything else and I felt like I was going crazy and ended up going to the doctors and getting anti-depressants (which I never took). He only admitted it a year later. He let me think I was paranoid and crazy for a year.
In my sane mind I know he's awful, but he manages to twist everything and blame it on me so that I end up doubting myself and thinking I'm crazy. In between him storming off we get on well. Basically he's a good husband as long as I tell him he's brilliant and don't say anything negative. I never seem to learn though- he's really opinionated and disagrees with everything I say or want to do. I should just back down for an easy life but I stick up for myself. I always forget that he'll flip out, start calling me names, say horrendous things and then threaten to leave.
I don't know where this post is going but I need to get it out. I'm sitting home alone, kids are in bed and I've no idea where he is. I feel like my friends (I actually have hardly any left since I met him) must be sick of hearing it and of telling me to leave him. I don't know what's wrong with me because I know I would be so much happier away from him but then I beg him not to leave whenever he says he's going. It's like I'm brainwashed.
I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't causing arguments so he has an excuse to clear off with another woman
Oh god you poor thing. From everything you have written he is an utter utter abusive cunt, and has ground you down completely. Is there anywhere you can go? Like, tomorrow? I would make plans now to leave. Don't listen to his pathetic threats about maintenance etc. The outside world will see him for the nasty abuser he is - you don't because he's done a proper number on you to get you where he wants you. But he has power over nobody else, and he knows it, hence the threats. Please try and leave. You and your dc are worth more, and deserve -and have every right to - a safe, happy life free from fear and bullying.
I'd grow a pair and file him for divorce. It would shock him. Seems like he has all the control and you beg him not to go.
You know you'll be happier so pull the plaster off quick and do it or you'll end up more miserable than you are now.
I don't know about the rest of it, but I do know I would make my mind up not to beg him to go or come back no matter how hard it was in the moment. I would just say "ok, your choice" calmly and go off and busy myself with something else. Because he will go anyway and get pleasure from hearing you beg -remove that and you remove some of his power. Far more effective. And it will puzzle him.
Summary: your husband is a manipulative asshole. You have two options: leave
be bored of being upset over the same thing over and over again and accept which means staying and not being upset.
Seeing as you're human, for your own sanity and self respect id go with option 1.
You don't need to go to court for maintenance. Don't keep giving him the power.
Please, this is really quite serious abuse You must leave, how will you cope living your life this way? It's not normal, your children shouldn't grow up seeing this fallout so frequently. The fact that he has been physically violent towards you in the past just cements his character in case anyone was any doubt. It really is quite serious, he is manipulative and majorly gaslighting you, expecting things to be normal, verbally abusing you, making you feel like you rely on him and threatening you with his leaving, all to make sure you are under his thumb.
You really need to let someone IRL know how he is and come up with a long term plan to get away
It's not you, it's him. Next time he threatens to leave, take him up on it - pack a bag for him and send it over to his mum.
You deserve better.
Read the first post on this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody
How isolated are you?
Are you married?
Are you renting? Whose name is on the tenancy agreement, if you are?
You canring Women's aid for advice and support, too.
He is an abusive bully and it's NOT YOU.
He is a piece of shit
Get him out and keep him out
What a fucking terrible lesson the pair of you are teaching your kids
why are you putting up with it?
If you know you'd be left up shit creek financially if he did leave - what are doing to address that?
My ex used to do the exact same thing. Imagine the gob-smacked look on his face when I finally said "I agree completely, don't come back".
It's a bullying, controlling, abusive tactic to keep you under his thumb.
Since you already know you hate him, can you put your finger on exactly what scares you about him leaving for good? If you can name your real fear, then you can usually find a solution to it.
Stjr please call Women's aid and get advice to leave this evil bastard once and for all.
He is not a good husband or father. How do your kids cope with the fact dad fucks off every few days?
How do you cope with having to do all the childcare while he is away AND cope with the worry that you do not know where he is?
How do you cope financially knowing he is spending money on a hotel to be away from you because he enjoys these little self-engineered mind games?
How do you cope?
I can only imagine on some level you think either:
he is worth it (he is not)
you deserve this (you do not)
it will change (I don't have a crystal ball but I think it will not change)
that somehow you feel this is normal (it is not).
Please get professional help, cover your tracks on line, do not reveal what you are doing, speak to Women's aid and make a plan to live a life that does not involve this utter arsehole.
You and your kids should not have to put up with this. The idea that you enjoy life seems rather hollow, how can you knowing that within days he will be twisting the knife in his little games.
As Cherries says "You really need to let someone IRL know how he is and come up with a long term plan to get away."
This is major abuse. You do not need this arsehole in your life.
Ring Womens Aid (somebody posted the number above). Tell them everything and they will help you.
My friend was in the same position as you. Women's Aid helped her and she has never looked back. She is a completely different person now - happy, confident and running a successful business on her own. The abusive knobhead husband is history.
Ring WA tomorrow.
Do cover your tracks, if he realises you are talking to women's aid he could get very nasty, again.
You said "He has been physically violent with me but has stopped since I called the police on him."
If he knows you are planning on leaving he may risk' violence again to keep you 'in your place'.
Please be careful.
"He always says that he'll find someone else and have a happy life and a new family with them. He basically knows how to press all my buttons and I fall for it every time." I doubt he will be happy, I expect he will find another poor woman to abuse and dominate but that doesn't need to concern you.
"I tell him I won't accept his behaviour but I always do. In fact I beg him not to leave and then beg him to come back. " Please think about why you do this. Do you have a daughter? How would you feel if she came home with a man like your partner? How would you feel if your son (if you have one) turned into a man like your partner?
Either of these scenarios are likely if you stay with this man. He will affect your kids in some horrible way. You must see that.
"I told him that he's a bully but he says that calling someone a bully is actually being a bully and that actually it's all me and he won't put up with me. He's started accusing me of all the things he does to me and saying that I abuse him and make him feel vulnerable."
He is not vulnerable, he is a knob head. He is playing mind games. Please get help.
He’s not going to change so you have to.
If you can’t just say, ‘stay gone’ then at least plan. Save money so that you can meet the bills for a little while, call Women’s Aid and get advice, do something.
Let him go. He’s an asshole. File for divorce. Terrible environment for your kids to grow up in.
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