Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If your mother hated you

(29 Posts)
BellarinatheCAG Mon 16-Oct-17 22:40:41

Hello All

I'd really appreciate if people could share how they deal with/handle/cope with their biological mother who hates them? I'm really struggling at the moment and I'm all alone.

Back story is I'm the middle child of 3 and my mother has always made me feel unwanted, a burden, expendable, ugly, dirty and a problem.

I'm 36yrs old now yet I'm still having to deal with the same crap and I'm so tired.
I have never been shown/given unconditional love or support and it has really affected me as its given freely to my siblings.
I have been made to take on financial responsibilities (I wasn't allowed to eat or drink for free but my siblings were) since i was 16yrs old and now have to pay 100% for everything for my parents (not in the UK) from bills, medical, food, pets, salaries, taxes and even her holidays and I don't even live in the same country let alone same house!

Circumstances have recently and suddenly changed, my 15yr marriage has ended, I've had to move countries, I have no job or business as I left both to be a trailing spouse for the last 2.5yrs. I'd come home to get a break and sort out the divorce (we were married here) and bse I had no where else to go and as I'm trying to stretch my now meagre savings.

I was supposed to have left in September to start a masters course in another country and look for a job. A friend offered me her holiday apartment there for a few months to help me get on my feet but my dad became very very ill suddenly that I had to defer my uni entry.

During this period I have clashed with my mother so many times, she has never once asked me how I'm doing only ever piled more crap for me to deal with, guilt tripping me at every turn and point, expecting me to fund and fulfill her every wish and those of her favoured children and grandchildren whilst maintaining she is the victim always.

I just need to break free of this vicious cycle and I don't know how to. I have no energy, I've tried ignoring but she knows which buttons to push, I'm struggling physically as im the sole carer for my dad and for her whilst dealing with my own autoimmune disease. I'm exhausted and have no one to turn to.

So much more to say but no energy, just wondered what others have done when faced with similar situations?


Jellyheadbang Mon 16-Oct-17 23:27:04

Awful for you. I'm going to sleep now so very short message. My abusive mother said it was hard to love me and often seemed to hate me. It's fucked me up for life.
I'm sorry to say that when I had kids of my own I cut the poisonous vindictive woman out of my life for good.
It pains me to have no parents or even close family. I also have autoimmune diseases and some disability, I'd love family support but I don't want toxic people in my life or around my children.
Can you secure more help for your dad so you don't have to see her as much?

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 16-Oct-17 23:27:20

I'm sorry, I have no advice but didn't want you to feel completely ignored. Have you investigated counselling? There's usually a thread about 'stately homes', that's for people with toxic parents I think, might be worth looking at.

Sorry I can't be more help

Andro Mon 16-Oct-17 23:30:26

I went very low contact, for my own sanity.

You are not responsible for funding anything for your mother, let her golden children step in. Detaching is hard, but it's vastly better than being an emotional punch bag. Icy manners, how unfortunate that she thinks/feels/is experiencing that - whatever that may be - polite smile and move on.

The emotional distance is as important as putting physical distance between you asap.

radiosignal Mon 16-Oct-17 23:37:41

I have a toxic mother too, but not nearly as bad as yours. You do not owe your parents anything. Why on earth are you paying for them and helping them when they've treated you like shit all your life? You deserve much better than this. Put your needs first and tell them you've done your best despite the awful way you've been treated and now it's your siblings turn. Then do what you want to do and ditch the guilt .

dirtywindows Mon 16-Oct-17 23:37:54

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Giving birth to a child does not give you the right to treat them as she has treated you. I would suggest you contact your siblings and tell them it’s their turn. Write to your parents and explain how you feel, are coping with your divorce, single parenthood, studying etc etc and from now on their other lovely children will be caring for them whilst you take some time to take care of yourself and your child. Go low low contact on your terms. And most importantly get yourself some decent psychodynamic counselling. flowers

WellWhoKnew Mon 16-Oct-17 23:40:29

I ceased contact. Not the easiest of decisions but the lessor of two evils.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 16-Oct-17 23:42:16

Stop giving them money. Stop giving them anything.


Sketchily Mon 16-Oct-17 23:57:14

Counselling could really help you OP. You have been assigned the scapegoat role in your family and your siblings are the golden children. This does not reflect badly on your character, so don't take that personally. Dysfunctional families tend to assign roles unfairly (I am the naughty, feisty one still - and. I am in my 50s 😬).

Meanwhile they have trained you to believe that you have to look after them. Presumably to atone for your non-existent failings. I suppose the carrot is the belief that they may one day appreciate what you do (and love you as you deserve to be loved) or at least stop being so cruel. The implication is that all you have to do is just try a bit harder. Sadly, in reality you can never do enough because that is just the script that they have assigned to you - as the family scapegoat.

The only way to escape this is to start to put yourself first. Become aware of narcissistic people and avoid them at all costs.

It is time for your siblings to step up. They have had a free ride for long enough. If you continue down this path, you will ruin your own health and lose any chance you might have for happiness in future relationships. Please, please look after yourself OP. This family doesn't deserve you 💐

WellThisIsShit Tue 17-Oct-17 00:27:29

Loads of sympathy for you flowers

You cannot continue like this, sacrificing yourself for your parents who treat you terribly. They do not deserve it. YOU do not deserve it.

It’s really important for you to understand that they will never change the way they treat you. It works for them. They have created, for their own fucked up reasons, a dynamic where they withhold love, kindness and take take take from you... they want you to be forever desperate to please them, they want to keep you wrong footed and trying to earn your rightful place in this family. They don’t want to change this.

Only you can change what is happening. You can’t change them or expect them to evolve beyond their cruelty.

You won’t ever win. You won’t ever be able to resolve this awful situation. You won’t ever be able to get through to them, to get them to see what they are doing to you. In a way, it’s a game... of their making. They make up the rules and the pieces, and they control everything in this sick game of theirs. They stack the odds against you, and whatever you do, however you play, whatever the dice rolls, you will not win.

You can however, stop playing the game. Stop joining in. Stop engaging. Walk away.

It’s horrible and sad, but by ‘giving up trying’ you will free yourself and finally have the ability to start healing.

(My mother is very fucked up too, she ‘loves me’ in a strange way I think, deep down (maybe?!). But she hates me more, and her actions were always based in that hatred and anger, ever since I remember. I am the family scapegoat and her personal rubbish him that she pours all her hatred and bile into. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and going as low contact as possible was the key to giving myself the time, space and distance to help myself. Sadly I can’t cut her off completely and I know how muchy mental health suffers ... hopefully you’ll be able to do better than me so far!).

MistressDeeCee Tue 17-Oct-17 02:03:04

Im a middle child. Not sure my mother hates me. But she certainly liked to take out her disappointments on me. She had a shit marriage with my cheating workaholic dad. Rather than leave him she stayed.. & then he left her for someone else. Cue her manhating tendencies coming to the fore, trying to ruin my relationships gloating when they went wrong, when I eventually became a mum trying to turn my DCs against me, all sorts of shit. But she hates women in general so maybe it wasn't so personal

I dealt with it by finally going no contact 2 years ago and I am so glad I did. I know she is going around playing the victim. But for me I feel free. I don't have to see her, hear her voice, wonder what next manipulation she will come up with next to set her children against each other, or make me feel like shit. Or stick her nose in my business. Many things

I don't know how I will feel in the future. A relative asked if I will feel guilty when she passes away. No - I won't. I am not going to live forever and I am not having my 1 life blighted out of any sense of duty or obligation "because its family/my mother"

Reading your post OP I think the only way forward is no contact but it depends if you think you can cope with that, or not. I wondered about your parents being abroad.

In my culture its very normal for 1 child to be the family "wise one" who is privy to family financial matters aka scapegoat, and to look after the parent who's pissed off to 5000 miles away yet you are supposed to be a cash cow providing them with money to live on, never mind what financial responsibiities you have. As well as the one to be there for everyone else to rely on treat like shit

However you decide to go forward, please take your life back. There are no medals given out for martyrdom, and putting up with being treated like crap.

musicform Tue 17-Oct-17 02:16:25

I had a brother who was verbally abusive. It reached a head on my wedding day and I haven't had a problem since I cut him out of my life. It's a step you can consider

Cricrichan Tue 17-Oct-17 02:37:19

You know that nothing you do will ever be good enough? So there really isn't any.point trying. You have to be really strong and either cut her off completely or if you can't cope with the fallout then move away and don't give them a penny. Think about yourself and your future. Build yourself a new life and read up on.narcissistic parents.

Schmoopy Tue 17-Oct-17 05:33:22

I cut contact.

My mother was quite open that she didn't love me.

My childhood/teenage years were a constant catalogue of complaints and 'evidence' of how and why no one would ever love me.

Became a self fulfilling prophecy.

BellarinatheCAG Tue 17-Oct-17 07:48:26

Thank you all for your messages and advice.
Going no contact would be the best way forward except the situation is so complicated. My dad who has always tried to be a buffer between my mothers actions and me (something she absolutely hates and resents) is now at her mercy as his illness has meant him becoming more dependent on people for his care. Although I've arranged for someone to come in 6days a week to help dad to shower, my mother will try and sabotage this on a daily basis and make horrible comments etc. I also believe she is trying to systematically starve my dad. Its a constant battle where I'm trying to put systems in place for him so that I can leave and get on with my life and her sabotaging them.

Him hearing us argue and fight makes me even sicker because he knows he is the reason and he is helpless now and is just waiting for death.

He has worked all his life to support all of us, my mother has never worked outside the house a day in her life. Dad's retirement plan was to have a few rental properties. He always let my mum have the rent for them when he ran his business and she still does (he never gets a penny of it) and uses that money for the favoured children and not to pay for the bills etc it was intended for).
The same ones who don't care about her at all and for whom she is ready to do anything.

I would stop paying for stuff but since everything is in my dads name (mother is not a citizen of this country and so can't own anything here) he would be the one in trouble.

What she doesn't realise is if I wanted I could cause a lot of chaos as I have power of attorney for my dad. Technically I can sell off everything and even rescind her legal status to live here but this is not what I want.

I actually feel sorry for her as she struggles to walk due to arthritis and is diabetic and the way her children treat her but it doesn't stop her vileness and cruelty towards me and now even my dad.

I just want peace and not to have to fight all the time just to be allowed to breathe and carry the burden of responsibility when I need a break.

I just don't seem to have the same levels of patience to endure as I used to and with everything else going on.

BellarinatheCAG Tue 17-Oct-17 07:53:03

Schmoopy exactly! The self fulfilling prophecy. I truly believe I don't love myself or even like myself hence unable to put myself first and that no one can and will love me bse of all the many reasons that have been seared onto my brain.

Cricrichan Tue 17-Oct-17 08:00:10

You need to speak to your dad. Explain to him that from now on, you will be in charge of the money and will make sure the bills are paid with money from the properties.

Then live close by and look after your dad, but don't engage with your mother.

midsummabreak Tue 17-Oct-17 10:52:30

Others have said exactly what i was thinking, dis- engage. Think about yourself as practicing to be disconnected. Imagine youself Practicing to listen to your Mum, but not rushing to give comfort, or support. Practice being detached.
Then next time she guilt trips, be detached, listen, go hmmmm, oh, mmmm, but no other comment , other than , Im not sure or Maybe you could check with ( siblings) dd or Ds, as I m unwell and have little energy, Im not much good these days....

midsummabreak Tue 17-Oct-17 10:53:25

She cant upset you if you refuse to engage

reflexfaith Tue 17-Oct-17 10:59:52

You need to start not engaging and not reacting to her
read up on the grey rock technique

LittleRedWagon1 Tue 17-Oct-17 11:06:15

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.

My mother hates me and always has, I was born the wrong sex, it’s hard and extremely mentally and emotionally damaging.

I dealt with her by going full NC 3 years ago and it’s the best thing I ever did. I understand that going NC isn’t necessarily an easy step to take for many people and I struggled with taking that step for many years. Once I had I went through a grief of sorts and had flashbacks of previous abusive incidents from childhood through to present day. After about a year to 18 months I found things becoming easier in s way although I did have a breakdown last year culminating in me being referred to the local crisis team as I had made plans to take my own life. While under the care of the crisis t am I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I got help, and with the support of my husband, my fantastic MIL and my best friends and some medication, I am well on the road to recovery.

It has been hard, really damn hard but the best thing I ever did for my own sanity.

Personally I think you should cease and financial assistance and go NC, however like I said previously I know doing it is not as easy as saying it, I hope things work out well for you. If you need to chat or any support please feel free to PM mex

Orangebutterfly Tue 17-Oct-17 11:11:50

Yup. Dealing with it at this present moment in time. Although she hates my older sister more than me.

Her son is the apple of her eye. He can do wrong. She has turned him into a mysognistic monster too.

My husband and recently bought a new house. It's been 6 weeks. Our parents were the first to be informed of the move. My mum has not been over or called to congratulate us. She doesn't live far either but is happy to go other people's houses to share their joy.

My sister and I get excluded from most family functions but if we exclude them they either stop talking to us or calling us to have a go at us.

My mum will lie to cover herself and her son. My husband and brother-in-law are astounded by their behavior.

O well their hatred not ours. It will eat them up. Just glad to be out of that environment.

I Feel sad for them for the kind of people that they are.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 17-Oct-17 11:16:50

You should flee. Let your siblings look after your father. Warn him what you are going to do.

missevelina Tue 17-Oct-17 12:15:53

I went nc with my mother just over 5 years ago, and I've never looked back! The only downside is that it's changed the relationship I have with my brothers, who are both very close to our mother. Even so, I am much happier without that woman in my life, I wish i'd done it sooner!

BellarinatheCAG Tue 17-Oct-17 21:53:51

Just wanted to say I've taken on the don't engage advice, today was day 1. I have had so many mixed emotions throughout the day, its been tough.

I've had to constantly remind myself to value myself and put myself first but not become cruel, mean or selfish in the process.
I need to find the balance in my life bse at this point all I want to do is curl up and disappear.

Pointers on how to let go of anger, pain, hurt and sadness all welcomed! I'm so tired of carrying all this baggage around, I recognise it makes me ill and takes away all positive energy and ability to succeed but I have yet to figure out how to release myself.

I appreciate all the responses and advice, I will try and reply to individual posters later. It's been a tough day and its a court day for the divorce stuff tomorrow.

Can you grieve for a dream or something you never had?

Apologies for the pity party...going to bed now.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: