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Ending estrangement from family member

(12 Posts)
sunseasand25 Mon 16-Oct-17 18:05:31

My mum died over 2 years ago and at the time my 2 brothers were very insensitive (taking time off work on Carer's leave but spending it drinking/partying and carrying on as normal, not visiting or helping with her care or even discussing her care and then once she was gone going straight into her house and chucking out stuff without bothering to consult me and my sister).

I've not spoken to either of them since the funeral as I was very resentful of the way they made a bad time so much worse.

Increasingly lately though I've been getting upset as family is extremely important to me and I miss my brothers. They are also missing out on seeing my kids (only one of my brothers has kids and I manage to see my niece through my ex sister in law)

I wondered if anyone had any advice about getting in touch. Even if they told me to get lost i feel it would be closure for me. If I'm honest I'd been hoping they'd get in touch with me but it doesn't look like they ever will and I worry one of us will die and things are just so unresolved.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 16-Oct-17 18:15:49

There's no harm in trying to restart your relationship, but just go into it with your eyes open. There's an excellent chance there will be not be a happy ever after. After all, your brothers are still the same people you chose to cut out of your life in the first place.

sunseasand25 Mon 16-Oct-17 19:38:21

Yeh I accept that but think I need to try talking to them once more before I write them off. Just not sure how to go about it.

Shockers Mon 16-Oct-17 19:42:02

I fell out with my grandmother for two years (there was a good reason). Eventually, like you, I thought that life's too short, so I just phoned and said sorry. Really she should have been the one who apologised, but she didn't. Blessed are the peacemakers!

Athome77 Mon 16-Oct-17 19:47:28

Christmas could be used as a great excuse to have a coffee/pint etc

TalkinBoutWhat Mon 16-Oct-17 21:18:51

Don't say sorry, but you could say that you miss them?

User02 Tue 17-Oct-17 01:12:05

In estrangements it is very hard to heal things. It happened for a reason and it may depend on how you feel now about the reason.
I have someone I have not seen for a long time and I miss this person but I know I cant change the person as much as I may wish to. They will also have their views. I feel that the reason I got upset will never change and I could not bear any more hurt feelings.
I do love and miss this person

WhoPoppedMyBalloon Tue 17-Oct-17 13:54:35

Your estrangement started at a very stressful time when your mum was dying; none of you were likely to be making good decisions due to grief.
I would definitely make contact again - it's 2 years later so you've all moved on and could be ready to heal the wounds now.

pallasathena Tue 17-Oct-17 18:38:33

There's no harm in testing the waters. You could extend a Christmas type invitation, nothing too heavy, maybe a meet up for a drink or just a simple card with an appropriate message on it tucked into a Christmas card. If you don't reach out, you'll never know if things can be mended.

Hissy Tue 17-Oct-17 21:07:46

Have they tried to contact you?

NoCanoe Tue 17-Oct-17 21:28:28

I'd be careful. My brother ended our estrangement. Wish he hadn't bothered. I'd got his measure the first time around and he hadn't changed. Cue lots of additional stress I certainly did not need.
I guess a lot depends on your relationship prior to your mum's death. Look carefully and ask what your brothers would be bringing into your life.

sunseasand25 Tue 17-Oct-17 22:26:26

I sent a text to my younger brother on his birthday and he did reply. Since then though my sister had a surprise 40th for me though and did invite them but neither came.

It did feel previously like I had to make all the running with them so really am unsure of what to do.

Thank you for all the responses though, finding them very helpful.

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