Strained relationship with my mother

[Mellie1025]

I've never had a very good relationship with my mother. I've never been good enough and I've never made the right decisions in her eyes. I was married very early in life and had my daughter at 25. When she found out I was pregnant with my daughter, her exact words to me were "You're a F'ing idiot and you've just wrecked your whole life". At that point my husband and I both had good jobs and were settled into our career choices, we had our own apartment and were comfortable. Once my daughter came into this world, things seemed to get a little bit better and we were able to be in the same room without wanted to scream at each other. She has always been a huge part of my daughters life and for that I am grateful and tell her all the time.

In 2008, my father passed away and things got worse from there. My marriage ended after years and years of abuse in which my mother was aware of but was never willing to help me, she became increasing abusive to me both mentally and physically. Three years ago I met the man of my dreams and 18 months we got a house and I moved away from the city I grow up in. My mother still sees my daughter everyday and i enable their relationship in any way I can. This Saturday was my breaking point and I'm not sure where to go from here. My younger sister had a 40th birthday party for me and invited 20 family members and friends. My mother sat at my party the whole time bad mouthing me and making comments like "She's such a bad kid" and "She's the reason I have all these white hairs".

I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I continue trying to have a relationship with her or should I allow this to be the last straw and cut off contact. HELP.

[Aquamarine1029]

She sounds like a toxic monster who makes your life miserable. Why you want your child around her is very confusing. I would be completely done with her.

[Mellie1025]

Aquamarine1029, I'm torn because she's very good to my daughter... My daughter is now 15 and knows what my mother is doing is wrong. I don't want my daughter to miss out on the experience of having her grandmother in her life.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Allow this to be the last straw and cut all contact. She has simply used your child as her own form of narcissistic type supply.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend; your abuser mother is no different.

Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she is a poor example of a grandparent to your DD. Enabling this woman to have a relationship with your child is and has been a mistake and a decision that could well come back to haunt you in the long run. Not all people are nice and kind and such appeasement will only hurt you. Such disordered people really do think nothing of trying to steal both the heart and mind of their grandchild at the parents expense.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

How has your mother been good to your DD exactly?. By buying her things?. What does your DD think of the ways her nan has treated you as her mother?. She knows that what her nan is doing is wrong.

Your DD needs positive and emotionally healthy role models in her life; not toxic people like her nan. Its not your fault that your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that.

[catsanddogsfightless]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this treatment from your mother. Luckily my mother is kind and i know she loves me. She is a strong person and rarely let's people see her emotions and I think I subconsciously am getting to me like her. I try to hide my emotions a lot.I can get very tearful at small things and then at other times I wonder why a particular event has not affected me as much as I perceive it ought to have done.

Your mum seems to say some very hurtful things to you and within your ear shot.It must be hard to hold in your pain at her choice of words.

I don't really have any advice other than to say your daughter probably does see her for what she is. Just reinforce to your daughter that she is free to see her Grandmother whenever she wishes. Your daughter is (i am sure) smart and aware.

[ravenmum]

She said that at your birthday party? Write down a couple of the comments now before you forget them, and keep them at the back of a cupboard somewhere in case you ever feel tempted to get in touch again. Does she contact you if you keep quiet?

You daughter is old enough to keep in touch with her if she wants. If she does stay in touch with your mother, you should probably ask her not to relay any messages from your mother or tell you anything she says.

[Aquamarine1029]

Treating your daughter like shit is NOT being "good" to your granddaughter.

[Mellie1025]

AttilaTheMeerkat, no my mother isn't a good grandmother because she buys things... when i say "good grandmother" she is always willing to help out in which ever way she can.. being a single mom after my husband left meant I needed help sometimes with child care, drop offs and pick up and such things like that.

ravenmum, yes she said those things at my party in front of people that actually love and care for me.

[ny20005]

Just looking after granddaughter does not make her a good grandmother.

Does she bad mouth you to your daughter ? I think you need to look at how she is with your daughter & talk to her. She’s old enough at 15 to make her own mind up re contact unless she’s being abusive to her too

[Iamabuyingbootsaddict]

Any kind good grandmother would do that anyway...they would only too pleased but chances are she may do things to make you feel guilty. At the heart of your situation is that as another has said she is a narcissist and is jealous of your happiness. I experience the same issue as you. I've never felt my mother liked me and even now in her late 80s she will go out of her way to undermine and upset me. I've learnt to have a cold heart towards it and focus on the people who are kind to me instead. I see my mother because my dad is still around (she has abused him all his married life with her). If it were not for him I'd never go and see her. My son doesn't go either because he hates the way she treats me. He knew what she was like from a young age but remains polite but there is no bond there and I feel sad for him. It is very hard to deal with. I feel for you as I know how painful it feels but you mustn't blame yourself. The loss is hers, not to have known the real you, just who she thinks you are. I would say that my mother is the person who knows me least in life. It's sad though, I see mums and daughters out having a coffee and feel a big gap in my heart that I could have had that but her jealousy of me was too big. Enjoy your life and don't feel guilty if you don't want her in it. You don't have to put up with that.

[Mellie1025]

Iamabuyingbootsaddict, thank you for understand what I'm going through. My mother has never showed me love or concern. The morning my father passed away I got a phone call at work after the fact to say "your father has died". That's it. When I got to the hospital her and two of my sisters were there already and not one person thought it would be a good idea to console me as I was "daddy's little girl".

I'm super jealous of mothers and daughters that have a good relationship. I make sure everyday that my daughter knows I love her and no matter what happens, I'll always be there for her.

[Iamabuyingbootsaddict]

You sound like a brilliant mum and I'm sure your daughter thinks you are too. I totally understand as there are so many situations throughout my life where my mother has never spared my feelings. It's like I have no feelings or that I don't feel any pain!! To a certain extent it has made me block a lot of my feelings and that hasn't been very helpful for me and I put up with years of abuse from ex because of that. You can't dwell on it because there isn't anything you can do. The change would have to come from your mother not you. Our family in respect of my siblings and their partners have been destroyed by my mother and her meddling and setting us against each other and she has started on the next generation in the grandchildren so another reason to keep my DS from her. I feel that I will only be free of all the upsetting feelings I have about her when she finally passes away. I know that may sound cruel to those people who say "oh but it's your mum" but if you haven't been subjected to this sort of mothering you can't possibly understand it. I used to talk about it much more than I do now and that helps me to move forward and focus on the relationships in my life that are good for me. It takes a lot of willpower but it's possible. You have to do what's best for you. Set yourself free.

[Mellie1025]

Iamabuyingbootsaddict, honestly it's only been in the last couple of months that I have gotten up the strength to tell people who are extremely close to me how my mother has treated me my whole life. We always "kept up appearances" in our family and no one really knew what was going on. When I was 18 and opened up to my mother about a boy I liked her exact words to me were "he's too good for you". What mother says that. I want my daughter to shot for the stars... NOT SETTLE.

When my father passed away and my mother and I were having a huge fight I told her I wish she had passed and not my father. I regretted saying it at first but now I think I was speaking the truth. Horrible I know but it's how i truly felt.

I hear "she's your mum" all the time and I think to myself "unfortunately you're right, she is my mother".

[Rollforneed]

It's really hard when the one person who is supposed to protect you the most is the one that you cannot trust.
You grew up with an abusive mum, that probably helped you to marry an abusive first husband. It's time you don't let people who are mean to you in your life. Free yourself!

[TalkinBoutWhat]

If someone says 'She's your mother', the best response is 'Then perhaps she should have acted like my mother'.

There is no need to put up with this behaviour.

PLEASE keep her away from your DD. Why would you have someone who would very cheerfully full your daughter's head with nasty thoughts of you around her? And willingly????? Protect yourself and your future relationship with your own DD.

[ravenmum]

Lovely idea that someone will learn and change, but sometimes not realistic. Some types will just see it as you being nasty, and you'll be blamed for them feeling bad again.

[Mellie1025]

ravenmum, i'm always the one getting the blame. I'm abusive and i'm nasty and I'm the bitch. I've heard it all.

FUN FUN FUN. Thank god my bestfriend sees through her and so does my hubby.