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My mother, the eternal victim.

(14 Posts)
CarrieB2004 Mon 16-Oct-17 15:02:09

My mother is a narcissistic. She is cruel and jealous of everyone around her, including me. She is materialistic and believes she is entitled to have a rich man take care of her and pay for everything and run around after her all day long. She is above all, an attention seeker, who has destroyed every good thing that has come into her life. Every relationship she has ever had has ended with the man walking out because they could not stand her cruelty or walking on eggshells around her anymore. I am an only child. She kicked my dad out when I was 4 because she “didn’t fancy him anymore”. So I grew up in a house, just me and her, until she tried to punch me in the face one day when I was 20 so I moved out. She has made fun of they way I look, she made cruel comments to my stepfather about his disability, (he was partially deaf due to meningitis when he was a child). She told a young girl in a shop that she needed to get on the Slimfast plan to sort out her weight because the girl said she was unable to give my mother a refund for something because she did not have her receipt as was store policy. These are just a few examples of her cruelty. She only ever had vile things to say about my dad and my grandad when they were alive, but when they both died, in the same fortnight, when I was four months pregnant with my son, she was suddenly heartbroken. My father was the “love of her life” and she didn’t know how she would live without my grandad. She had to make it all about her. She has never once asked me how I coped with all that, whilst pregnant. She caused a huge family row at New Year 2016. She fell out with my husband over something trivial and said she could not come to our house for New Years dinner.
I repeatedly asked her in the week leading up to it to just change her mind and come. She refused. She then tried to phone me five minutes to midnight on New Year’s Eve. I’d had enough. I ignored the call. The next day she phoned and threatened to come to my house and cause a massive scene if I didn’t let her in. Strong words were exchanged and I made it clear she wasn’t welcome. She had done this too many times. I’m 33 now, with a family of my own, I don’t have time for her games anymore. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She then went to my uncle and said she was going to kill herself. My family all believed her. My cousin, who was supposed to be my bridesmaid at my wedding last year sent me the most vile text message saying how much she suddenly hated me and she would not be at my wedding. I dread to think what lies my mother has told them about me. Needless to say none of them were at my wedding. I didn’t speak to my mother for months, until Xmas 2016. I got back in touch with her because I thought it was the right thing to do. I do not allow her to be alone with my son. She will not burden him with her problems the way she did with me. Things have been going ok until yesterday when she brought it all up again and started being verbally abusive towards my husband and mother in law. I want to cut her out of my life completely. Every time I give her another chance she does this. It’s like losing a mother over and over again. What do you all think? This is a very shortened version of what I have had to put up with over the years. I could fill a novel with the awful things she’s done and said.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley Mon 16-Oct-17 15:32:01

Hi.

I have no experience, other than the fact that my "egg doner" (I refuse to call her my mom) is a cunt yoo.

Here if you need to talk.

Have you popped over to the "Stately Homes" threads?

🌺

Aquamarine1029 Mon 16-Oct-17 15:51:39

I think you should go NC with your mother and move on with your life. She will never, ever change.

rosareine Mon 16-Oct-17 15:54:27

I would be going NC with your mother, she will always be like this. It won't be easy but will be best for you in the long run. flowers

CarrieB2004 Mon 16-Oct-17 16:40:21

Thanks AllRoads, I have reposted this on the Stately Homes thread. I went no contact with her for four months last year, just before my wedding. That’s the longest I’ve not spoken to her. I wish I’d kept it that way because now I’m right back where I started. There’s just this feeling I have that it’s somehow wrong to cut her off because she’s my mother. But just because she’s my mother doesnt make her a good person. She’s bad for me. I know that. It’s very difficult to come to terms with the fact that my mother loves herself more than she loves me. And friends, no matter how much they say they understand, will always at some point say to me “but she’s your mum”. They don’t get it.

ScruffbagsRUs Mon 16-Oct-17 18:16:15

She may have given birth to you, but she has absolutely no right to treat you like shit. You didn't ask to be born. Giving birth to you was your mum's choice, not yours.

If a friend treated you the way your mum has done, I'm sure they'd soon become an ex friend rather quickly. Why would your mum be any different? You are an individual deserving of respect and your mum doesn't give that to you.

For your own sanity and that of your DC, put it to her that you do not want to see her nor hear from her again, and that if she does contact you, you'll go to the police. She'll no doubt continue the smear campaign against you, and probably anyone who sides with you. You need to stop caring about what she says about you. Anyone who is worth dealing with, will come to you to get your side before making a judgement. The folk who side with your mum will generally judge you without getting your side of the story. Forget them. They're not worth it.

HTH you OP, as I'm in a similar boat to you, and this is the point I've got to. It has taken over 30 years to get here, but there ain't any going back. She actively made me feel like I was a totally worthless inconvenience to her and her boys (my dad and brothers), and when I received counselling to help me face up to the reality of how I was treated, I realised that I didn't have to put up with it.

Forget your Fear of her, the possible Obligation you feel to keep in contact and the Guilt (FOG) you may feel for going NC. You are allowed your own life away from someone so toxic.

Ask yourself this: what does she actually bring to your life? If the answer is nothing but poisonous insults etc, then why would you allow her to treat your DC like that, and why would you even want her in your life?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 16-Oct-17 18:23:06

I don't see my mother much. Hardly ever speak. Once or twice a year maybe. She is a bit like yours, not so bad. Actually maybe if I hadn't cut her off years ago she would have become that bad.

Get her away from you. Give it at least a year with no contact, your psyche needs time to heal and feel normality as being normal not drama as the normal.

SeaEagleFeather Mon 16-Oct-17 20:45:08

carrie you posted on the Annex, which is for people who have already gone NC and are living with the aftermath.

This is the actual Sttely Homes thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3009327-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

It's probably got more relevance for you at this stage.

WombOfOnesOwn Mon 16-Oct-17 22:05:50

OMG! You and I could have the same mother, except mine had two children (and we help keep each other sane when she goes off the rails). We're even the same age. My mother cannot keep friends, she decides people are dead to her for the most trivial reasons, she snipes at people and uses their weaknesses against them after being sugary-sweet to make them put down their guard.

She's also an attention vampire. If someone in the family has liver disease, she must have it, too, that sort of thing.

When I had my first baby, I had complications leading to a rushed EMCS after a long home labor, newborn DS and me separated for first several hours, and I spent a week in the hospital that got very scary at times for my own personal health.

Two days into this ordeal at the hospital, I felt an almost biological need to talk to my mother. I was on a mag drip, suffering from the effects of a spinal that had been botched and had bruised the hell out of my spine.

I knew it was a bad idea! I don't know why I did it, I just...knew she'd had a c-section with me, and thought maybe this would be one chance for her to show me some empathy, love, and all that stuff I was missing during my childhood. So I phoned her (we'd spoken once since the baby's birth, for about 5 minutes in the rushed sequence of notification calls -- DS's weight, length, etc.).

She didn't ask how I was doing. She didn't ask how DS (her first grandchild) was doing. She wanted to talk about how she'd thrown her back out cleaning. The conversation went on 15 minutes, and it was ALL about her. The fact that I'd just given birth was not even a footnote.

The moment I hung up the phone I told DH: "I will be telling people about that call for the rest of my days, that's exactly who my mother is in a single conversation."

I'm pregnant again, with another son. I've had horrible morning sickness and still have it (I'm 19 weeks). I mentioned how sick I was to my mother, having a bit of a moan, I suppose, and she suddenly has this story about how she was recently diagnosed with gastroparesis and is always sick, "it's like having morning sickness that never ends, you know."

Talked to my sister (a medical professional) and my mother never got that diagnosis -- she was going in for tests to rule it out after having a single episode of vomiting.

This is all just to say: mothers can be awful. I find it comforting somehow to know I'm not totally alone -- maybe you'll find it comforting, too!

CarrieB2004 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:20:24

Scruffbags, I agree with everything you’re saying, and I’m sorry to hear you’ve been treated badly too. How long were you in counselling for? Did it help? I worry about talking about all this to my husband, friends etc because I dread that anyone would ever think to themselves “I can’t be bothered listening to her today” like I do with my mum. She has burdened me with every problem she’s ever had and I don’t want to burden anyone. Although my family/friends are wonderful and don’t make me feel that way, I still worry.

I know you’re right that my family aren’t worth bothering with if they didn’t even stop to hear my side of the story. It’s just been so hard and so hurtful to accept. I knew my mother was bad, but I thought they’d always be there no matter what. Now that I have my son I cannot understand or fathom how they could treat me this way. Especially my mother. Why doesn’t she feel for me what I feel for my son? It’s the most sickening feeling that I’ve lived with for years and I can’t imagine ever being able to accept it. I realised the truth about her when I was 24 after a particularly upsetting incident. But almost ten years on and I’m no closer to feeling ok with the fact that my mother doesn’t love me. She looked after number 1 last year and tried her hardest to destroy my wedding. It’s so awful. Thankfully she didn’t succeed. Not having her there that day was the best thing that could’ve happened. It was a peaceful, happy day. So she didn’t win that one.

I’m all over the place and I feel like I’m rambling. I have so much to say and could talk about this all day for months, years even. And I really feel like I need to.

CarrieB2004 Tue 17-Oct-17 14:25:30

Wombofonesown, this is actually scary how similar our stories are. And it does help to know I’m not alone. So thank you for replying. My mother also cannot keep a friend or a man. She writes people off for absolutely no reason at all. She must make every situation about her and your story about when you gave birth has shocked me because I have one that is very similar and I know exactly how you feel. I also had an emergency section and I struggled along to the Day room in the hospital which was the only place I could get a reception on my phone, to phone her and invite her to my house that night because they were letting me go home. I could hardly straighten up and felt like I’d been hit by a train. Did she ask how I was? Or how my son was? No she did not. She ranted for ages about what an awful day at work she’d had but said she’d still make it up to see us but made it sound like it was a real hassle for her. The more I write on here the more I realise how much I despise her.

Lunde Tue 17-Oct-17 17:03:08

I would check out the Out of the FOG website and forums. There are many posters there who have family members with undiagnosed personality disorders such as NPD who behave in a very similar way to your mother outofthefog.website/

CarrieB2004 Tue 17-Oct-17 18:37:16

Thanks Lunde. Will do.

Lexieblue Tue 17-Oct-17 18:47:14

flowers OP. I too have an eternal victim as a mother. Really messed me up as a kid (she abandoned me when i was 6 didn't speak to her again until 19) and I was very resentful and angry until about 3 years ago. I had half tolerated her melodramatics as an adult. Then one day I just realised it was always going to be all about her. And The next time she messaged her usual "I'm sorry I love you so much do you remember when (insert memory from when I was 3)" (usually chased with drunk phone call crying) after 6 months of NC , i replied that she should forgive herself and move on. Stop thinking about it because I didn't and I had moved on.
I told her I was in a good place and since she clearly didn't want to build a relationship with me now, only to drag up the past painful memories, I couldn't help her. (Obvs a huge back story here I won't bore you with!)

Not had a single drunken joke of an apology since.

And it's fine. I'm fine. Great actually smile

And you will be too. Just don't tolerate it because she's your mum. Not all mums want what is best for their children unfortunately x

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