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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me please. Honesty welcomed.

(35 Posts)
dolly3012xo Mon 16-Oct-17 14:48:23

Hello all. Although I am not a mum, I have turned to this site to try and relate to something similar. Here is my story and honesty is welcomed;

-I have been with my partner (or should I say ex) on and off for 2 years. During the first year of our relationship I found out numerous things such as he was on adult work, dating apps, taking girls out for drinks etc which concluded in us breaking up several times.

Stupid me gave him chance after chance as I was in love. The next year of our relationship was unrecognizable. He finally told me that he loved me and was expressing his emotions. I met his family, we went on holiday together and was talking seriously about our future.

I still alway had doubt about him as I know he broke up with his last girlfriend because he cheated on her. We were at the happiest that we ever were when the doubt in my mind took over. I set up a fake number pretending I was a girl which then resulting in him telling me that he had slept with someone else a couple of months back. I was and still am heartbroken. I stupidly saw him on Friday and ending up falling asleep at his house. This is when he went through my phone and found out that it was me who sent the texts.

He is now fuming at me and says that we are as bad as each other and that I lied and deceived him. I can understand why hes angry but he has made me feel so bad that instead of being upset about being cheated on I am here hating myself and feel like I have ruined my own happiness sad

Butterymuffin Mon 16-Oct-17 14:50:59

You aren't as bad as each other. You've both lied but he is a cheat and always will be. If you hadn't found out this way it would have still gone on. Don't accept blame from him, just tell him you've had enough and you will not continue seeing a cheat.

Cambionome Mon 16-Oct-17 15:14:28

He is a cheat and a liar. How you behaved (a bit foolishly) isn't really the issue here.
The important thing is that you must break up with him asap. What he says about your behaviour is best ignored tbh.

Gemini69 Mon 16-Oct-17 15:15:22

Your instincts told you something was off... which is why you began this 'covert investigation' in the first place.. something made you feel you needed to do this..... so trust that feeling..

As it turns out you were correct... the personal rights and wrongs of doing this do not matter now ..it is done .. you found out information ... that you otherwise wouldn't have known..

why you didn't delete this information is beyond me.. but anyway.. maybe you wanted him to know it was you .. I don't know...

either way Lady.... He's a Cheater.. flowers

dolly3012xo Mon 16-Oct-17 15:52:32

Thank you for your messages.

I know I went around it the wrong way but I was desperate to find out answers.

I feel like I have almost ruined my own happiness in a way. Ignorance is bliss I suppose..

Gemini69 Mon 16-Oct-17 16:00:18

it wasn't happiness Lady .. there was unfaithfulness and whilst you might feel 'ignorance is bliss' .. how far down the line would you want to be before you had to face up to it.. Married to him with DC's ... or now when you're still able to walk away and meet someone worthy of your love flowers

I know which option I would chose smile

Aquamarine1029 Mon 16-Oct-17 16:00:55

You ruined your own happiness? What "happiness?" You've been wasting your time with a chronic liar and cheater. Is that your definition of happiness? You should be elated that this sham of a relationship is over. He has done nothing but take you for a mug.

stopbeingadramallama Mon 16-Oct-17 16:11:33

You didn’t ruin anything. You knew he was a liar and a cheat anyway. You probably wish you never found out but him “changing” didn’t mean shit. It’s better to find out sooner rather than later I suppose.

beesandknees Mon 16-Oct-17 16:20:59

Nothing is ruined, you've found out the truth so now you can move on properly.

What would have ruined you is marrying him or having children with him!

rosareine Mon 16-Oct-17 16:21:42

You did not ruin your own happiness, and you're not as bad as him. Leave the cheat and move on with your life. You deserve to be happy with someone who is faithful to you.

dolly3012xo Mon 16-Oct-17 16:29:18

Thanks again for the support ladies.

I tend to self loathe and I feel like he has twisted this all around on me to hate myself so he doesn't feel the guilt for cheating in the first. I've betrayed him, I've shattered his trust, I have deceived him." - his words.

Worst thing is that I wasn't even surprised when I found out and I should have deleted the evidence on my phone but I didnt think he would look down it.

There has been a lot of arguing and tears and to top it all off he pocket dialed me yesterday and left a 3 minute voicemail of him slating me to his friends and when I confronted him it was all tears and I love you on the phone.

I have just booked an appointment to see a therapist for Wednesday. I have grown up around affairs, cheating and therefore I don't trust people and have to turn to finding out the truth in a certain way.

One day at a time I suppose sad

Imonlyfuckinghuman Mon 16-Oct-17 16:33:46

You need to break up as this is really toxic. Believe me I've been here and when you look back and see how fucked up things are you will be shocked you stuck it out.

He cheats on you love, he always will do as well.

What ever you do, don't have kids with him. There are plenty of great guys out there you really don't have to stick it out.

dolly3012xo Mon 16-Oct-17 16:36:33

I thought it was obvious that we had broken up but by what he was saying to me yesterday he seems to think we are still together confused

I don't really know what to do from here if I am honest. I am still heartbroken that he went to bed with another woman but even more upset about how angry he is at me for what I have done.

Alittlepotofrosie Mon 16-Oct-17 16:37:54

Why are you even in contact with someone you've broken up with? Block him and move on.

dolly3012xo Mon 16-Oct-17 16:40:17

The words never came out of my mouth as such but I thought it was pretty obvious. Clearly not.

rosareine Mon 16-Oct-17 16:41:45

You don't need him to agree it's over. Block him and go NC.

Not only is he a cheat he sounds horribly manipulative.

I think seeing a therapist will be very positive for you.

Imonlyfuckinghuman Mon 16-Oct-17 16:44:24

dolly wake up! He is treating you like a mug because your behaving like one.

He is 'pretending' to be mad at you to override the fact he fucked some one behind your back.

you need to read 'freedom from a toxic relationship'

Block him

ptumbi Mon 16-Oct-17 16:46:15

I've betrayed him, I've shattered his trust, I have deceived him." - his words. - nicely making it your fault.
And sidestepping the fact that if he hadn't betrayed you, shattered your trust and deceived you, you wouldn't have had to lay a honey trap.

Get rid. He is not worth it - and you are worth so much more

bigfatbumfreak Mon 16-Oct-17 16:54:13

Move on, you will gave a dogs life always wondering. You have zero trust of this guy, setting up a fake account is pretty desperate. Find someone you do trust.

NewDaddie Mon 16-Oct-17 17:00:32

Two wrongs don’t make a right and what you did was creepy.

But.

The lesson you should take away from this is to trust your gut. Respect yourself and get rid of people who clearly do not respect you.

You didn’t ruin your happiness, your happiness was just a fantasy built on his lies, move on and find someone you can trust.

TheMythOfFingerprints Mon 16-Oct-17 17:07:24

He wants you to grovel for him shagging someone else.

dolly3012xo Mon 16-Oct-17 17:48:16

I do understand what I done was stupid and insane and wish I done it in another way

Ellisandra Mon 16-Oct-17 17:55:10

But it wasn't stupid and insane at all.
You wanted to know if he was cheating on you, so you set up a "sting".
I would have advised just dumping him before doing that - but actually, you needed to know so I'd say it was more sensible and logical than stupid and insane!

Now you wanted honesty... where you have been stupid and insane is to put up with this multiple times.

Like others, I'm shock at the phrase "ruined your own happiness". Because a boyfriend who cheats on you is happiness? confused

I'm really glad you're going to see a therapist, because you really do need to flowers

Don't waste time going over why you did what you did to catch him out. Focus on why you ever stayed with the cheating arsehole in the first place.

DarthMaiden Mon 16-Oct-17 18:10:04

You wanted honestly....

He’s a lying cheating scumbag who won’t change. He believes quite rightly - based directly on your actions in repeatedly taking him back - that there are no consequences to him shagging around other than upsetting you.

He knows that with some “loving”-- lying-- words he can placate you and resume operation “cake and eat it” in a few weeks from now - perhaps being a bit more circumspect about his online behaviour.

If he cared about you he wouldn’t be fucking other women. It’s that simple. He’s repeatedly shown you he doesn’t care - maybe time to start listening????

How you found out doesn’t matter - this is all on him.

Oh yes and please spare the “but I love him”. No you don’t - you love the idea of a faithful version of him which is frankly like wishing your pony was a unicorn.

You didn’t destroy your happiness - it was based on lies, his lies.

It is possible to divorce your feelings from your actions and say whatever you might “feel” about this man I’m not going stay with him and end up posting on MN or the Jeremy Kyle show in 5years telling the same tales of duplicity and unfaithful behaviour whilst trying to raise your kids as a single mother or more likely married to someone whose stolen all your dignity and self respect.

Leave, block and walk away from this piece of trash.

dolly3012xo Mon 16-Oct-17 18:38:56

Thank you everyone for your honesty.

I am not going to get back with him. I have a therapy session on Wednesday and I need to learn to love myself again as I clearly don’t think I’m worth much if I stayed with him this long and put up with so much.

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