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Can I please have experiences / tips for breaking up with controlling partner?

(12 Posts)
LillyPillly Mon 16-Oct-17 13:26:25

I posted here a few days ago and now I am ready to make the move and break up with my partner of 14 years. We have 3 young children and he is extremely controlling, bordering on abusive.

I am afraid that if I move out and take half the money he will see it as an act of war, get his defences up and make my life a living hell.

But...I am also afraid that if I talk to him about it before doing anything he will take the money as punishment and not give me a cent, also he might get violent or just have an extreme reaction - screaming, shouting, scaring the children etc....

We have 2 houses that we own and a considerable amount in the bank, which I have access to. Both houses are in both our names so I'm entitled to half the profits.

I would really like to hear from other people who have escaped similar circumstances to give me strength to go through with it, and also share their advice about the breakup itself. Thanks.

Oneggshellsallthetime Mon 16-Oct-17 20:02:58

I can't give you any advice other than don't give him forewarning so you don't end up without a cent. Well, that's the way I'd play it if I were in your shoes.

Oneggshellsallthetime Mon 16-Oct-17 20:06:33

Especially if he is likely to respond in any of the ways you've suggested - your children's welfare is your priority.

NormaNameChange Mon 16-Oct-17 20:22:16

Controlling people always react badly when you reduce/remove their power and control. I wouldn't subject yourself or your children to the possibility of an extreme reaction. Don't forewarn him, either way he will see it as an attemoted mutiny, however by leaving with what you are entitled to just strips away a couple of weapons in his arsenal (the chance to leave you penniless). It doesnt sound like it will be civil whichever way you approach it so... I'd take the path of least resistance. Do it and tell him abiut it after.

Hermonie2016 Mon 16-Oct-17 21:29:00

I would first get legal advice and support from family or friends.
I stupidly assumed my ex would be amicable however once he knew I was serious about divorce he turned very nasty.

I let him divorce me assuming it would placate him, thought we could do mediation.Lesson learnt, you can placate a bully.

I would also get advice from freedom program as all support really useful

Cricrichan Mon 16-Oct-17 21:32:46

Get legal advice and then look atat moving half of the money in the bank accounts to.yours.

Teabay Mon 16-Oct-17 21:39:34

This will be really hard - don't underestimate it.
Don't tell him anything until you are ready for it. Go and see a solicitor and get a time frame in your head. It will work out. Good luck. I left a man like this - if you have specific questions, just ask.

Whatshouldmynamebe321 Mon 16-Oct-17 21:53:48

Plan before you do anything.
Take legal advice and have your living arrangements ready. Will you be able to move into the property?
Do you have close friends or family you can make aware of your intentions so tehycan support You? You will need it.
I knew my ex was a bully but still I was not prepared for what happened when he finally realised I was actually leaving him.

Whatshouldmynamebe321 Mon 16-Oct-17 21:55:12

Keep a diary of his actions. Gather any evidence record his abusive behaviour.

LillyPillly Tue 17-Oct-17 04:04:14

Thanks so much for the advice.

I will get everything organised, move and then tell him so that he knows I am serious and I have my half of everything.

I have actually spoken to a lawyer, she said I would be entitled to about 60% of the assets due to me giving up a successful career to look after our children and him becoming very successful because I was at home to look after the kids and he could focus on his work.

I have kept a diary of all his actions over the years. I even called the police a few years ago after he threw a kids toy at me (a massive ride on car) and told them he had been abusive previously so hopefully that will all be on record.

I do have family and friends close by for support.

I feel so sick at the thought because I know how hard it will be, but knowing he won't be coming home, making the house feel like a prison and stressing everyone in it out will be worth it.

Gilead Tue 17-Oct-17 11:06:55

Stbxh was arrested last year. As you say he has seen this as an act of war. I have a non molestation order in place so he cannot contact me to abuse me. His manner of control is not to respond to the solicitors requests until he absolutely has to, thereby unnecessarily dragging things out. I don't care. My heart doesn't drop at the thought of going home when I've been out. Oh, I've been out! I don't rush around to do the shopping so that he's not on his own for too long. I don't sit on the drive and cry because I don't know what I'll be facing when I go in. I have nobody waking me up at 4 am every fucking morning. I only have to cook one meal. I don't have to cook at nine and ten o clock at night. I could go on forever. Get yourself covered by a solicitor and get out, it's worth it!

pudding21 Tue 17-Oct-17 12:50:32

My ex is emotionally abusive and has continued to try manipulate me and control me post split. We are 8 months out now and can have civil discussions now r/e the kids etc. But I have had to reinstall a lot of boundaries.

Tips: don't respond to emotional messages or discussions, once you give them an inch they will take a mile. I felt very guilty at first, and he played on that. He would comment on how strong I was and how much that irritated him etc. He knows every button to press. Keep a diary, for sure, because some days you will doubt yourself.

He will try blame everything on you, so make sure your head is straight, have a party line and stick to it. Don't ever expect he will acknowledge his faults or behavior. He won't. I think to leave and leave succesfully you need to have it in your head its final, otherwise it would be very easy to cave. Keep posting on here too, it'll help. Good luck.

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