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How long did it take you to get over your ex?

(28 Posts)
LizaJane85 Mon 16-Oct-17 13:13:50

I was just wondering about different peoples experiences and how long it took you to fully recover from a break up?
I’m 4 weeks out of a 8 year relationship, just under a year of that was married and I’m struggling. I have a dd who is keeping me going but it also means I have to see my ex at least twice a week which is brutal for me. He ended it but I’d say it was a mutual break up.
I was fine to begin with, busying myself with dd and sorting our lives out. But since I found out he’s been messaging other girls I’ve gone to pieces! I can’t have meant that much to him if he’s doing that!
The thing is, I was miserable leading up to the break up, when it happened I was relieved so why am I a mess now?
I’ve also read on google it takes half the length of your relationship to get over it. Am I really gonna feel like this for 4 years???

LittleBooInABox Mon 16-Oct-17 13:25:22

It doesn't mean you didn't mean anything to him, some people need attention to feel good after an incident like this. I started ale

LittleBooInABox Mon 16-Oct-17 13:26:19

Too soon.

I started sleeping with someone within a month because I needed to feel something. And I adored my ex.

Be kind to yourself OP. It'll get easier.

flowers

Sadik Mon 16-Oct-17 15:49:12

flowers to you OP.

I'm 18 months out of a 25 year relationship. I was told (by a friend's very lovely mum) that I should figure on a month per year of relationship to really feel over it. I think that's probably about right for me - I'm definitely feeling much, much better (and have even started dating), but still find it hard seeing ex + OW together. If it helps, I definitely don't think it will take me 12 years to feel completely better!

Also, I didn't date for a year very much on purpose because I haven't been single for any length of time any of my adult life and I felt I needed time to just be me on my own.

But, I do think an awful lot of people (maybe men in particular) look for validation/distraction in finding someone else straight away. If I'd done that it wouldn't have meant anything about how I felt about ex-H, it would have been purely about making myself feel better. So I wouldn't read that much into your ex messaging other women.

TheNaze73 Mon 16-Oct-17 16:38:53

I think the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone. If you both know the score, it’s a quick route to realising there are 7B on the planet & not to get het up on one. Everyone is replaceable & you’ll see that soon

userxx Mon 16-Oct-17 19:37:57

No you won't feel this way for the next 4 years, I guarantee it. You said yourself you were miserable in the relationship towards the end, breaking up was clearly the right thing to do, however that isn't going to make it any easier knowing he is talking to other women. I think it's a massive blow to the ego, questioning if you actually ever meant that much blah blah blah.

Try not to overthink it as you will tie yourself in knots and it's the fastest way to insanity. As someone else mentioned, he's just distracting himself from it all. It's a coping mechanism for some people.

MeatAndPotato Mon 16-Oct-17 19:54:26

Hope you are ok OP. Break-ups are shit. Especially when children are involved as you can’t just go NC.

It took me 3ish years to get over my ex, we was together for 9 years. Him cheating (reason we broke up) made it actually easier for me though because he genuinely repulsed me. I still sometimes think of him though, and think of memories. Not always good memories I might add.

We have a DS together but ex doesn’t have any contact with him (ex’s choice).

beesandknees Mon 16-Oct-17 20:08:21

I agree with TheNaze.

I was out dating horrifically quickly (after 10 year rs), many raised eyebrows in my circle of friends, but it was my way of getting on with things and embracing life. Wasn't a reflection on my ex tbh.

I'd expect your ex is feeling the same, just wanting to have new experiences so that he doesn't feel mired in the past / worried he has no happiness in his future.

Honestly it's not a reflection on you x

I agree that one month per year together is a good rule of thumb for feeling better. Just because I was dating doesn't mean I was feeling "over" the relationship btw!

We split in the October, moved out the following Feb, I hit proper rock bottom March, and by the next Sept/Oct, I was feeling on a more even keel. So that was about 11 months for me, which lines up with the number of years we were together.

MisiSam Mon 16-Oct-17 20:14:18

My ex boyfriend broke up with me after 8 years, that was 2 years ago (I’m now 30) I honestly thought I was going tonight die I was so broken hearted, I think we grew apart and I couldn’t really see it at the time but I loved him so much and I was convinced he would changed his mind and come back to me (sad I know) anyway 6 months after we broke up i met my now partner and I am so happy, I am so glad I got dumped and the pain was worth it.

meowimacat Mon 16-Oct-17 20:15:35

After leaving my ex after 8 years I jumped straight onto Tinder and POF because I was scared of being on my own after a long time with someone. It wasn't any reflection on my relationship with them, it was INSECURITY.
I then took a step back and realised that was the biggest mistake I could make. He is just doing the same, to fill a void, and it isn't anything to do with you. However if he ends up jumping back into another relationship I doubt it will last because he hasn't taken the time since breaking up to deal with his emotions.

This is why I'm now trying to sort my own head out. Even thougb I ended the relationship doesn't mean I don't have a lot of issues from it that I don't want to bring into a new relationship.

I know it hurts to know he's messaging other women, but in the long run they don't mean anything to him, he's just seeing them as a quick fix for his needs...which in the long run will probably make him feel more lonely.

sunshiney78 Mon 16-Oct-17 20:43:49

Exactly the same as you OP. Married for 7yrs, together for 8.5. Miserable in the lead up to separation, relieved when it happened, got on with stuff, then fell to pieces when I found out he was "happy" in a new relationship and was desperate for things to be back the way they were. Also shocked that I could be "replaced".
I think them moving on like that just makes reality hit home a bit, and forces you to confront the loss. And the grief reaction starts. I was so afraid I'd feel like that forever.
It's been 3 months now, and I'm having more and more glimpses of how I can be happy without him. I've also started dating, I know it's probably too soon, but it has helped me realise he's not "all that", ie. The fantasy of him I created when looking back at the good times.
In short, it sucks now, but as I now believe everyone on here who's been through it when they say it gets better, because I'm already starting to see it. Xx

LizaJane85 Mon 16-Oct-17 22:19:13

Thanks everyone for your lovely responses. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Being heartbroken is one of the loneliest places.
I’ll get there. My dd has had me in stitches this evening. She’s my rock. I’ve got to get through this for her flowers

MistressDeeCee Tue 17-Oct-17 04:30:02

I think the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone. If you both know the score, it’s a quick route to realising there are 7B on the planet & not to get het up on one. Everyone is replaceable & you’ll see that soon

The old me would never ever have agreed with this. After finishing with my ex (he cheated for last 3 years of relationship, + did the online harem thing etc) I thought, thats it he was to be my last partner (I was in my late 40s). Couldn't ever imagine not loving him. Unthinkable to sleep with anyone else.

1 month after we finished I met and clicked with a guy.. We knew very well it wasn't a forever thing. He is from Leicester Im in London..months of fun, good sex, nights out, packing a bag and going off to Leicester for the weekend, and him coming to London. That Summer was a blast

No hard feelings at all after it ran its course. But all that faded my feelings for Mr "the one". Which isn't to say I didn't think about him just not with the longing to have him back, as I did before. Having fun with "Mr Right Now" made me realise I could still laugh have fun be with someone else and look forward to things

& 2 years on from that I met my lovely OH. I coulldn't care less about my ex yet at one time I thought I couldn't live without him

OP no you won't feel the way you do now, for 4 years. You will likely always remember your ex but you won't want him. Another thing I'd always do when a relationship finished is, take a long break from men "finding myself" (partly wallowing).

Im glad I didn't do it after me and ex split. It isn't the be all and end all to have a man, its true you have to get happy in yourself - but always seems to me that men move on quickly whilst women are metaphorically keeping their memory alive, keeping them "present" in a way, by putting aspects on life on hold because of an ex man, Meanwhile said man is out there and not putting his life on hold at all.

Do you have to see your ex twice a week? Does he pick DD up from yours/return her to you there? Is there any way you can change that so you don't have to set eyes on him so often? Perhaps if you have a family member that could help out with that aspect. Thats a tough one, him on your doorstep every week. You'll get there tho

Offred Tue 17-Oct-17 08:19:57

I think there are different stages of ‘getting over’ someone TBH for me;

1st stage; grief at losing person.

2nd stage; grief at losing relationship.

3rd stage; processing loss of person and relationship.

4th stage; processing who you are.

5th stage; moving on, thinking about dating etc.

SparklingRaspberry Tue 17-Oct-17 09:45:51

Sorry for the breakup OP. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone!

My DP and I broke up for a year after he ended the relationship. No cheating involved. Like a pp has said, I honestly thought I was gunna die and even now just thinking of the pain I felt makes me emotional. It's horrible.

I ended up sleeping with somebody after a month. Different things work for different people but I wouldn't do that again as it made me feel even lonelier. Being intimate so soon with somebody who wasn't the man I loved and wanted just made me miss him even more.

6 months later I started dating somebody but it didn't work out. My ex and I eventually got back together and things are fantastic. I'm not saying this is going to happen for you two BUT you will not feel this bad forever.

You will get through it. flowers

LizaJane85 Tue 17-Oct-17 12:57:24

Thank you everyone for replying.
Saw my ex this morning and apart from Wednesday mornings, his mum is gonna do the drop offs and collections. And if he wants to know how dd is he has to go through his mother. It’s the only way I’m gonna get through this and heal. Feel a lot better today smile

hellsbellsmelons Tue 17-Oct-17 14:44:04

My ExH who I was with for 15 years, took me over a year to start to really feel like myself again.
That was 8 years ago.
My more recent ExP - probably 4 months to stop obsessing and thinking about it all. I was with him on/off for about 6 years.

I thought it took 1 month for each year as a rough guide???
So for you around 8 months.
But no-one can put a time limit of grieving, which is what is happening right now.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve.
You are NOT going to get over an 8 year relationship in 8 weeks.
Don't rush it all.

MistressDeeCee Tue 17-Oct-17 15:21:38

Well done OP for sorting the drop offs and collections. Heartbreak is horrible, but many of us have gone through the fire as it were and are still here to tell the tale.

Get up and show up even when you don't feel like doing so. Do stuff that makes you happy, doesn't matter if its simple little things. Have evenings/nights out when you can. Get into exercise if you're not already..I got myself a mini-trampoline and some weights so I could exercise at home..even if I felt like shit I looked great, it helps..! Enjoy your DD. Just keep going. This too shall pass, as they say

butterfly56 Tue 17-Oct-17 15:33:31

You have done the right thing regarding pick up and drop offs.
Saves you a lot of distress in the long run and gives you time to get your emotional strength back.
You will feel better and one day you will wake up and realise you haven't thought about him today! flowers flowers

LizaJane85 Tue 17-Oct-17 19:08:03

Thanks again everyone for your lovely replies. It really is helping and making me feel a million times better grin

LizaJane85 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:33:57

Still finding things tough!!

Orangecake123 Wed 25-Oct-17 15:45:12

A 2.5 year thing- and it's close to almost 6 months- not yet really over it and that's okay.

beesandknees Wed 25-Oct-17 17:10:10

Do you want to talk about it OP?

LizaJane85 Sun 29-Oct-17 09:23:56

It’s my one year wedding anniversary today. Help! Struggling today sad

hellsbellsmelons Sun 29-Oct-17 09:38:43

What do you have planned for today?
You need to try to keep yourself busy.
Get out of the house.
Visit family or friends.
It's gonna be a tough day.
Just take each hour at a time.

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