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Any Advice Desperately Needed

(7 Posts)
notfeelingtoogood Mon 16-Oct-17 11:04:39


I have just found out 100% my wife cheated on me with what I thought was a good friend.

We have been together for 16 years, married nine. We have three children 15, 11 and 7. We met when I was 20 and she was 17 and after three months she fell pregnant.

This started in Jan/Feb 2013. I had a gut feeling something was wrong around April/May hat year and confronted them both but they denied it. I thought I was going crazy and losing my marbles. I kept checking my wife's mobile phone which I could only do when she was asleep as it was constantly glued to her. In the end I managed to log into her mobile account and found that there were over 1000 messages and numerous calls that had been deleted. I confronted her and she said they were just talking about both their relationships. I flipped and told her to cut all contact with him. A month or so passed and I noticed again that she was all secretive with her phone. Going to the toilet with it and taking it into the bathroom. It basically would not leave her. This time I had no access to her mobile account so had to revert back to trying to get into her phone when she was asleep. I noticed some discrepancies between messages on WhattsApp so again it all kicked off, she admitted to texting him again and promised me it would stop. Again I believed her. We had a night away together, no kids and it was amazing. We just got on with life after that until May 2015 when rumours started going round round that they had been having an affair. His wife came round to have it out with my wife and i stuck up for her saying it was all untrue. (This is the point where I think the affair stopped). The other couple went through tough times and eventually his wife filed for divorce last year and he got his papers through last week.
I have been helping this guy out through his divorce as i thought he was innocent.
I then received an annon message on facebook in August 2017 stating that I was a mug for not believing the affair was taking place. Then a couple of weeks ago my wife messaged me to say she had text this gut by mistake (he has the same name as our decorator) and Boom alarm bells started again. Then my boy was in hospital and my wife stayed the night with him so I took it on to finally find these deleted messages. I used some software to try and obtain this from an old iphone backup. I started to scroll through these messages and was left is disbelief. She was meeting him all the time. Waiting for his wife to leave the house to go to work and then they would meet for sex. They were sending each other dirty pictures and videos. Making videos. I felt sick but kept my calm as I had my girls to look after that night. I never slept a wink that night. I even waited for her to come the next day. She knew something was up but I never said anything. I went to work as normal but had to leave at lunch time. I could concentrate, I cancelled my afternoon appointments and went home to wait for her. I stayed calm and asked if she had ever cheated on me with this guy and she blatantly denied and asked why had I bought this up again after all this time. I went upstairs and bought down the messages that I'd screen shot and printed and threw them at her.

Over all these past years she is the one who questioned me about seeing someone else. I go to work every day 9-5 come home, play football once a week. I pay for everything including her car, insurance, MOBILE PHONE, holidays abroad, mortgage, you name it apart from the shopping and christmas presents.

I really do not know what to do.

We have had a weekend now where she has tried to answer my questions like why, how, where, how long for etc etc and has told me she now can't believe that she has done all this and she loves me and would never do it again. But how am I supposed to believe that when she has lied to me in the past.

I feel that more than half of my marriage has been a sham. I don't know which way to turn. I don't really speak to my family. Her family has been more like a proper family to me since we met.

I love this girl with all my heart but I'm not sure I can ever trust her again after all these years of deceit.

I feel my whole life has come to end but I'm trying to be strong for my kids. I came from a broken home and promised myself I wouldn't let it happen to my children.

Beerwench Mon 16-Oct-17 12:16:02

I didn't want to read and run, I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I have been there, though not to the extent you are.
You need some time to react and process everything, you're in shock and that will take some time to deal with. Do you have any friends close by you can talk to?
My advice would be don't make any decisions just now, take time, breathe, take stock.
flowers for you.

notfeelingtoogood Mon 16-Oct-17 13:01:18

Thank you for your reply. I don't really have many friends, I gave up all my friends to concentrate on family life

Desmondo2016 Mon 16-Oct-17 13:09:55

It's such a tough one isn't it. Why the he'll should you give up the life and family that you love and deserve. The reality is that living without trust is going to drive you nuts and she hasn't just cheated once, she's repeatedly lied to you and made a mockery of your vows for several years. She does not deserve your forgiveness. The general advise will be LTBitch. Take her for everything you can and call the shots re house finances and kids. I know it's not that easy. But I'm not sure a marriage can truly recover from this. You sound a truly nice guy.

PNGirl Mon 16-Oct-17 13:15:42

Agree with Desmondo above. I don't think you will be able to trust her again. Imagine yourself in 10 years still checking her phone to see if she's contacting him.

I'm really sorry she has treated you like this, she is disgusting for repeatedly lying to you.

Myheartbelongsto Mon 16-Oct-17 16:58:58

That mouth that has more than likely given oral sex to the other man kisses your little girls goodnight.


Chuck her in the bin op.

FritzDonovan Mon 16-Oct-17 23:44:02

That's gross myheart.
OP, if she was denying everything up to the point you threw the printouts in her face, and it has been going on this long, you are unlikely to be able to trust her again. Get counselling if you want to try, otherwise leave.
And as an aside, I don't know why you thought I pay for everything including her car, insurance, MOBILE PHONE, holidays abroad, mortgage, you name it apart from the shopping and christmas presents was relevant. It just makes you sound as if you think you own her because you pay some bills... hmm

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