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Advice needed please. We split but still seeing each other

(7 Posts)
Dohsuchafool Mon 16-Oct-17 10:27:40

I'll try to keep this as short as can be...

We were together almost 9 years and in that time he left twice. We would talk and very quickly, would get back together. He has his own business and alot of the issues, boiled down to the stress and pressure... and how we both handled that. He'd hall himself up somewhere and shut the world out. The last split we went to Relate for about 8 weeks.

His business expanded and he went to work away approx 1hr 15mins to set the new place up. Very long working days and not many days off. We bought a house, well within our budget. A doer upper.
I've been very stressed with it. We gutted it, more his plan than mine but its all been on my shoulders, which wasn't the plan.
His two key members of staff have left, meaning he's working even harder and under pressure trying to get the posts filled.

About 6 weeks ago he came home and ended things. Said he just didnt want a relationship anymore. I wasnt surprised as we'd been very distant. Me caught up with the house and my own intense job and him with his staffing issue.

I looked back and thought how I could have done something different. Im embarassed and ashamed to say. I made him do all the traveling to see us (me and two dteens). I would never go over (purely because me trying to help out in the past, caused more stress). After the last split I swore I would never get involved or try to help with his business as it caused more arguments.

Fast forward to the past few weeks - we talk everyday on the phone and text. He normally rings before he goes to bed, I ring in the morning. We've also met a few times to sleep together. In a hotel. Im not proud of myself. I love him. And I've been going across on a Tuesday to see him. He's working but lives on site and its just when he gets called down to do some work. I bring food and we spend time together but because I need to get back so Im not knackered the next day, i leave before he can shut the place down. So we dont sleep together on these times.

He's said he doesnt want to rekindle anything a couple of times and then Ive said the 'woh hang on buddy....you should be so lucky, youve left three times, I would just be waiting for you to leave again'.

Im due to go over tomorrow night, take some food so we can eat together. I really do love him and I'm scared now because I'm wondering if Im stopping him from moving on and being happy.
I think there is a big part of me that would love him back and secretly hopes that we would, over time, fall back in with each other.

I know myself well enough to know that if I believed there was a chance, that Id wait and be patient as long as it took.

Am i fooling myself? Please be gentle

ShatnersWig Mon 16-Oct-17 10:31:54

Take him at his word. He says he doesn't want to rekindle anything. So DO NOT go over there for food and to eat together. You are no longer a couple.

Rip the plaster off. Go no contact. Seriously. He's got you on a piece of elastic and you'll keep coming back no matter what, so he can do pretty much as he pleases can't he?

This is the THIRD time he's left and you're already mooning over him and wanting him back. Seriously? There's a reason you two keep splitting up.

Dohsuchafool Mon 16-Oct-17 10:56:50

Thanks Shatner. I think I've just not been wanting to admit it

Dohsuchafool Mon 16-Oct-17 12:09:16

Bumping for any others advice too please

Dohsuchafool Mon 16-Oct-17 12:58:16

Anyone

MotherOfTwoDragons Mon 16-Oct-17 14:09:06

I suspect you want someone else to reply because you haven't heard what you want to hear. Please see this as a golden opportunity to put a definitive end to this this sorry excuse for a relationship. There is really no other answer based on what you have written...good luck and be strong.

category12 Mon 16-Oct-17 14:23:35

I don't think you should take on the blame you have - "I would never go over (purely because me trying to help out in the past, caused more stress)." So what were you supposed to do, if going over caused problems and your help wasn't helping?

He's been clear he doesn't want a relationship any more and you're settling for the crumbs of one with the phonecalls/sex and food together while being told "no rekindling". You're not holding him back, you're holding yourself back.

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