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Bad tempered boyf

(22 Posts)
girlflower Mon 16-Oct-17 07:47:30

So my boyf has always had a bad temper, it's caused us problems in the past but through am and talking it's got better
He can still get moody, grumpy huffy puffy which I've kind of accepted as it's him and his personality and he has lots other good points
I'm not perfect in any way so don't want it to sound like I'm looking for that coz I'm not
Weekend shit hit the fan
Long story but we are a group of friends and things got said where he didn't tell me something minor but anyway it led to an argument
The argument leads me to getting upset to the point where i cry
That's how I deal with it
He deals with it my being macho, mean and saying I'm a drama queen, and when I cry saying here we go...
I told him not to do that as it upsets me but he still does it
We ended uo arguing so much over the weekend about the issue with my friends / his friends that we haven't even addressed why he upset me in the 1st place ?!
I don't want to spend the rest of my life being with someone who makes me feel upset..might sound minor but I'm really questioning if I should be with someone who I don't think is willing to meet me half way?
We've broken up before and always got back together but I just want a happy content relationship
It just seems we go round in circles
He's arrested about money and works 2 jobs but I'm also feeling lonely and the fact he doesn't help me with stuff in the house I feel like a single mum. I've felt like this for a while when I've tried to talk to him all I do is cry and it pisses him off
I feel like I'm in a rut and I can't see the wood for the trees
I don't have anyone to talk to as my family and friends don't like him for things he has done in the past so I don't have anyone to talk to
Would be great to find someone to talk to x

MagicFajita Mon 16-Oct-17 07:50:38

It all sounds pretty dysfunctional op. Is there really enough "positive" in your relationship to keep it going?

If not then you know what to do.

WhoWants2Know Mon 16-Oct-17 07:57:04

Even if he has good points, you certainly don't sound happy. And getting angry when you cry is just never going to work out well.

PurpleWithRed Mon 16-Oct-17 07:57:55

What are his specific positives? Do you think counselling would help both of you learn how to argue in a more positive and constructive way?

You aren't going to find a happy content future with him unless both of you can change a lot.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Oct-17 07:59:00

If you are looking for people to "talk to" to help you stay in your shitty relationship you won't find it here

If you are cut off from outside support because of him that says a lot

Perhaps you should start thinking about what would be best for everyone and it doesn't sound like staying in this miserable situation is it

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 16-Oct-17 08:01:34

You cannot rescue and or save him; this is who he is and he makes you cry to boot. Why are you with this person at all, you may well love him but sometimes love is simply not enough. You sound like you are simply being dragged down with him by association.

Saying you're not perfect either is true but that can make you more accepting of bad behaviours in relationships that you should not. It shows me that your relationship bar is still very low.

FinallyHere Mon 16-Oct-17 08:05:19

I don't want to spend the rest of my life being with someone who makes me feel upset.

Here is the good news, you really don't have to spend the rest if your life like this. We have heard nothing from you about how he makes your life better. There will be. someone who really does enhance your life, look out for that partner and do not settle for anything less. Yes, you are worth it.

girlflower Mon 16-Oct-17 08:07:51

I AM looking for someone to talk to actually. Maybe someone who isn't in my upsetting situation that can either help by saying I am a drama queen lol or 2 by giving constructive comments to help me through this like all the other posts have ?
I'm not looking for advice to stay or go I guess as I've already said I just want someone to talk to
What this is meant for?

I just don't know anymore
He has gone to councilling and it helped at the time but I always feel we go back to the same point

I'm sick and tired of feeling so low
But I don't have the strength nor energy to leave
When I've said about him going he says he's not going anywhere

His positives which he does have are irrelevant as his negatives are making me unhappy?
I'll list them anyway
Hard working
Provides for the family
Loves me and my little one
Protective of us
Will stick up for me

girlflower Mon 16-Oct-17 08:09:26

I do a lot more for him than he does for me put it that way
I feel like I need the support but I'm scared to speak to him as I know he will end up saying things like fine I'm crap I'm rubbish
As I know deep down he has had issues and a hard life
But I know your all tell me that's not my fault and I can't save him

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 16-Oct-17 08:17:19

Sometimes someone to talk to is being given counsel that you do not like or is easy to swallow. The only person you can help here ultimately is you. Also you have a choice re this man, your child does not.

re your comment:-

"I'm sick and tired of feeling so low
But I don't have the strength nor energy to leave
When I've said about him going he says he's not going anywhere"

He is the root cause of you feeling low; he is the one who has caused all this. Counselling won't help someone like he because a) he thinks he has done nothing wrong here and b) he feels entitled to act as he does. That is also why counselling has not helped him; he did not want to be helped.

You are stronger than you think you are; men like you describe are weak themselves and bully others to make their own selves feel better.

In this context from him that not going anywhere could be seen as a threat; he is not going to go quietly because he likes the power and control he has over you.

What do you think your child is learning about relationships here?. What do you want to teach that young person about relationships? Which also leads me to the pertinent question of what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.

May I ask how old you are roughly?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 16-Oct-17 08:20:33

It is not your fault that he has had a hard life. It seems to me that he is simply blaming you for his lot in life; you're an easy target for him to pin his own crap and issues onto. You are also not responsible for the actions of another person either, only your own.

You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works. If you were really honest would you describe yourself as trying to rescue and or save him?. Unfortunately love is not enough.

Desmondo2016 Mon 16-Oct-17 08:21:12

Um. Leave him.

Sounds like you're more interested in changing yourself to make him happy. Hell never be happy. He doesn't love you. Have some bloody self respect!

HerOtherHalf Mon 16-Oct-17 08:21:22

Hard working
Provides for the family

These are baseline minimum requirements, not positives.

Loves me and my little one

Easily said but actions speak louder than words. People don't generally make those they love feel like shit.

Protective of us

Controlling abusers are often very protective so that may very well be a red flag rather than a positive.

Will stick up for me

Yet struggles to support you emotionally. Is he just using you as an excuse to be confrontational with others?

AdalindSchade Mon 16-Oct-17 08:23:06

Is he the dad of your child?
You can leave, you will need help though. Can you stay with family while you get a deposit together for a new place?

chocdog Mon 16-Oct-17 08:32:23

I don't have anyone to talk to as my family and friends don't like him for things he has done in the past so I don't have anyone to talk to

Your family and friends love you and have your best interests at heart. I think you should talk to them about him and why they don't like him - and really listen to what they say.

Then you can plan to leave him and his bad temper once and for all.

girlflower Mon 16-Oct-17 08:38:22

I'm 35, he's 40
I have savings and i work so I know I would be ok financially
Thanks for the advice
I just feel so exhausted
I've hardly slept or eaten this weekend
And I'm just off to work all day 😞

MagicFajita Mon 16-Oct-17 08:55:19

Leave. You are miserable. Life doesn't have to be like this.

Also re him having had a hard life - does that give him the right to make yours difficult?

girlflower Mon 16-Oct-17 09:19:17

No it doesn't - I just mean I give him that allowance

So...he's called me as I didn't answer his messages this morning I didn't plan to but I told him how I he said how am I this Morning?! said I was scared to tell him as I know he just gets angry sarcy - said I was feeling low and the weekend wasn't on with the way he was with me etc
He said thanks for that he's just going into a meeting and I've now stressed him out, he didn't need this this morning, said all we do is go round in circles and what's the point when I'm
Not happy and I'm just having a go at him? He was angry, annoyed and sarcastic- it's like I knew that would his reaction
When we broke in the new year unfortunately it took him to be without us to realise that he wanted us back, missed us, wouldn't be as stressed ( he was very very easily annoyed and stressed and I was walking on egg shells ) he begged me back and I said to him I'm not doing it for affect
But I don't feel he is supporting me at the moment but I am him
He took it all to heart, said fine and hung up ???
It's just proved we can't communicate

HerOtherHalf Mon 16-Oct-17 09:51:41

He said thanks for that he's just going into a meeting and I've now stressed him out, he didn't need this this morning

So it's all your fault and he is the victim eh? You really need to see him for what he is. He is not a nice person, he is not good for you, indeed he is damaging you. He will not change. Either you get out of this toxic relationship or he will continue to wear you down until you have no spirit left.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Oct-17 10:05:52

He's quite the self serving little twat isn't he ?

PoisonousSmurf Mon 16-Oct-17 10:11:33

I'd dump him! No way would you be able to start a family with him. Wife and baby beater comes to mind.

JayoftheRed Mon 16-Oct-17 11:19:09

I'd worry about your little one with all this coming and going. You don't say whether you live together, but it sounds like he and your child have a relationship of some kind (is he the father? I don't get the impression that he is), but you two breaking up, and then getting back together and so him coming in and out of the child's life isn't a healthy way of life for anyone, especially the child.

He really sounds unpleasant, he asked you how you were, you told him even though you were scared to do so, and he's turned it around and blamed you. Look up gaslighting, that's what he's doing.

I would walk away. Focus on your child for a while and let him go. No contact is best if you can.

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