Not sure if I love DH anymore

[bendtheknee]

I have started this thread before, but I think I started it in the wrong place. Here goes again..

I’ve been married just over a year, I don’t know whether I’m finally ‘settling’ into married life now the excitement of being newlyweds has worn off.

But for a little while now, Ive felt like I’m no longer in love with DH. I think I was caught up in the proposal and wedding excitement and now I’m not sure. He’s done things to hurt the relationship (lied about money and certain friendships) which means I’ve started to resent him a little.

I find myself getting annoyed at everything he does, if he takes a little long in doing something I find myself getting irrationally angry and I’m not even sure why. We bicker almost all the time and it’s just so emotionally draining.

I’ve been very upset and conflicted with all these feelings recently and finally told DH about it. How I feel like I’m living this double life, one where I don’t like him and one where we get along. He said he’d noticed over the last 2/3 months I’ve been very cold with him and just generally off. He got very emotional and basically begged me not leave him.

I’m not sure what to do. DH is a nice guy, one of the best, he’s an awesome friend and we have such a laugh together. I’m just not sure I love him. He says his life will be ruined if I leave him. And I feel so so guilty. Could this just be us settling in to married life? Or could it actually be that I don’t love him anymore?

I’m so conflicted, so messed up about it in my head and I feel like I can’t vocalise it or tell anyone in real life as that would be making it actually real that I’m contemplating divorce after just one year.

[Myheartbelongsto]

Do you still find him sexually attractive?

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like you could benefit from some relationship counselling if you do still want to be with him on any level. Its ok if you are considering divorce; don't stay married because of what other people would think; it's your life.

[TheNaze73]

I agree with shox

[bendtheknee]

@Myheartbelongsto I had to think about that answer more than I thought I would. I reckon yes I still so find him sexually attractive . But I just feel so down myself at the moment that we’ve not had sex for the last few months, the last time we kissed was a few weeks ago.

I’ve woken up this morning feeling slightly deflated. I’m not sure I want to be with him, could I be making this huge mistake telling him how I’m feeling and ruining our relationship forever, I haven’t got the strength to leave him high and dry, I haven’t got the strength to cope with the aftermath of the repercussions which definitely will happen around us both.

[BillywilliamV]

You don't mention your children. You need to get to a counsellor and really explore this before you make any irrevocable decisions, for their sake at least.

[bendtheknee]

We don’t have DC so it’s just me and DH.

[Intomyarms]

Do you think you would be happier without him? I think if you don't have children and you don't love him, I'd leave him personally. You have your whole life in front of you. It is too long to spend with the wrong person.

[Brahms3rdracket]

You didn't mention how long you were together before you married. Is this the first time you've settled into normal together with no big, exciting events to plan?

You also mentioned lies. What's he doing to restore your trust? Is it working?

[MotherOfTwoDragons]

Trust me and this is a funny thing to say but you are in a great situation because you don't have kids yet. This forum is full of stories of couples trapped because they don't want to hurt their DC. Address this ruthlessly and now, you will be grateful to yourself in the long run and although your other half might be devastated, it will also give him a chance to find someone who really wants to be with him. Please don't brush it under the carpet until it's too late.

Having said all that, have you considered whether you are depressed? Sometimes, there is no clear reason for depression, it just happens and it skews the way you think. Also, it's normal to feel deflated after the whirlwind of an engagement and a wedding settles. People often pursue that 'feeling' as real life is dull in comparison. If that is the issue, you need to work on your own attitudes and expectations otherwise you will be throwing away a good relationship in the pursuit of a dream that doesn't exist...

[ravenmum]

Getting annoyed at someone and questioning your feelings for them is not settling into married life, no. Is this your first experience of a long-term relationship?

People divorcing after 10 years and with a couple of children in tow have repurcussions. What would your repurcussions be? A few snotty comments? Having to sort out some financial issues and paperwork? Better to split up early on than to hang in with him and end up having children with someone you don't love just because your aunty might turn up her nose.

[bendtheknee]

We were together 3 before we got married but we didn’t live together. We’ve only lived together for the year we’ve been married.

I honestly think that there has been some effect on my mental health. I’ve felt very anxious recently and actually really very sad. These feelings of resentment towards DH have very much increased over the last few months to the point where I don’t even like him touching me.

I made my first appointment with a counsellor, because I think I knew these feelings weren’t usual and I wanted to talk it through with someone impartial. I’ve only had one appt but we did discuss DH and our relationship and one thing she did say could be a possibility was; i have always been the ‘child’ in every relationship, whether that be with family or other boyfriends, meaning that I have always been the one looked after. And now due to some of DH’s lies around money, I am the one in the ‘parental’ role and it’s obviously something I’m struggling with.

What my greatest worry or fear is; what if I spilt up with DH in this moment where I feel depressed and it’s the wrong decision.

I feel guilty for leaving DH in the lurch. He would struggle to keep up repayments on the house, he would lose his new car, he would have to go back to his horrible horrible parents and would more than likely end up lonely and depressed himself (he’s suffered from depression before). I feel like I can’t take the guilt of that on when this could merely be a rough patch.

Sorry for rambling, i am listening to what everyone is is saying, but my mind is just so so conflicted.

[CredulousThickos]

What were the lies and friendship all about?

[OccasionalNachos]

I understand why you might feel guilty for leaving him in the lurch as you say, but equally it’s not your job to ‘save’ him from a crappy life if you don’t want to be with him.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I don’t think you love him. A new marriage shouldn’t feel like this.

I feel like I can’t take the guilt of that on when this could merely be a rough patch.

That’s not a reason to stay. It would hurt for a while, for you both. Possibly more for him if he is happy; but he doesn’t sound it - you’re both clinging on to something that sounds like it was a mistake.

He will rebuild; as will you. They’ll be other houses, other cars, other partners. They’ll be a happier future. Nobody deserves to live like this.

You could talk about the lies and the secret relationships and see if that helps; but your posts scream that this Is dead, for whatever reason, and there’s no real way back from that. You both deserve better.

[misscph1973]

Definitely keep seeing the counsellor. You sound very confused, counselling will help you sort out your thoughts.

[CaptainBoxtop]

Don't put any pressure on yourself to know all the answers right now. Give yourself time and space if you need it but I would say you sound very confused and conflicted and that indicates that you have things to process which hopefully the counsellor will work through with you.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. it would be best to allow yourself the time you need to figure out what it is you want.

Think about when you became engaged - how did you feel? Was your wedding day a happy day for you?

[bendtheknee]

I was so excited when we got married, so excited for this new life and house and being able to live together after so long and now it’s all just feeling a little ‘off’.

The lies thing - it was to give some background that DH isn’t perfect. He’s told some white lies that I’ve found out about and it’s caused a few rows. They were such a long time ago now, back when we first met, but now I’m constantly bringing them up (they must have affected me more than I thought) and using them as ammunition in our arguments.

The money thing - he hid some debt from me and I found out about it after we were married. We’re now working to pay it off together, and most days I’m ok with this. But certain days it really gets me down that (for example) I can’t book my hairdressers appt cause that’s in next months budget cause I’m helping DH pay off his debt. Or I can’t buy myself something as that money could be used better for DH’s debt. I actually posted about this a little while back and most of the responses were how I should see this as joint debt, how I was being horrible for thinking of this as just DH’s debt, and how I was being awful for even thinking about leaving him because of this. Which didn’t help the guilty feeling I was already having at all.

DH says he’s happy. He says it’s the happiest he’s ever been knowing we both come home together to the same house. I’ve tried to tell him, these arguments aren’t normal and we would be better off apart but he gets so emotional. And I love him I really do, I’m just not in love with him. So I hate seeing him upset. It makes me feel like the most horrid person to know that’s what I’m doing to him.

[FeralBeryl]

You are responsible for no one but yourself here. Never mind his car etc.

Honestly, it sounds like you've gone into this as a big exciting adventure and been forced (in the nicest way) to 'grow up'
That can cause resentment on its own, but the fact that your treats are also being stopped because of his actions is going to breed further contempt.
Definitely keep up the counselling, don't put pressure on yourself to make a decision.

Also best in mind that it's a common thought that the first year of marriage is the hardest.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I'm trying to think of how to put this nicely and failing miserably but...

do you think you've been used to having things all your own way, and now you are having to adjust to having to totally consider another person for the first time? Living together for the first time can be a strain - you can't just do what you want, when you want, and you've got the added difficulty of a debt to pay off... as you say, you've got used to going to the hairdresser/buying yourself things whenever you've felt like it, so are you feeling something like resentment?

I live alone now and hate the very thought of having someone else around dictating what I could watch on TV, when I should go to bed, why I shouldn't lie around all day in my PJ's, so I have some sympathy, but it could just be adjustment blues. Keep on with the counselling would be my advice.

[PNGirl]

Oof. I think finding out about the debt after the wedding would mean I felt trapped into shouldering half of it and I'd be resentful from day one that he was dishonest. I think that would tip me nearly all the way over the edge to be honest. If you weren't living together before and your new shiny clean slate, house etc were smudged with debt, affected your credit rating etc it's not the foundation for marriage that you thought.

I think counselling might help with this but you need to feel like he has fully realised how terrible it was not to tell you.

[bendtheknee]

@Zaphodsotherhead that’s exactly what it is. I’ve never lived with someone as a ‘team’. What he does affects me, what I do affects him etc and getting used to all that yes has been tough.

@PNGirl yep, the foundation of my what I thought was a strong honest marriage was rocked and I struggle to get over the betrayal. At the time of finding out, I was upset but I thought about it and made up a budget to help pay it off and took over more or less all of our finances. DH is apologetic he let it happen, he’s sorry he lied, it all spiralled out of control, he didn’t know how to tell me, thought he could pay it off by himself. But as time goes on, I resent him for it. Resent him for not telling me, for ruining the first few years of marriage. With our incomes we should be living much better lives but we can’t because of the need to pay off his debt.

All that and the bickering at home has resulted in where I am now. I’ve got a monthly appt scheduled with the counsellor, where I can talk things through although I do struggle with showing emotion but this is something I’m working on.

[misscph1973]

Maybe you should not share finances? But just contribute your part to bills and household? I had shared finances with my DH for 20 years, and this year we stopped as part of splitting up (we are still living together, moving early next year). I swear it has made things between us so much better! If we had done this from the start, I think things could have been different for us.

Re the white lies - you have a relationship score card. So do I. And it comes up very time we argue! I honestly don't have a solution to that one. I have had some luck using EFT (google it) on the things that I find hurtful from the past. I think it's very true that if you live in the past you have no future. In your case (and mine) you will not have a future together if you can't let go of the past. But it's easier said than done to forgive and forget! In my case I just don't feel that the foundation is there for us, that core that enables you to accept the other person as they are. I think that's called love?

Do you feel that you are no longer a couple? No romantic feeling? But definitely love? Someone you are related to.

[bendtheknee]

@misscph1973 the most romantic I’ve been with him recently has been holding his hand when we’ve been out. I’m not sure if I love him or not. He’s at work right now and I don’t miss him, I actually prefer getting my own space for a little while. We tried separate beds one night when I was really upset with him but I missed him, missed having him next to me. I’d miss him if he wasn’t around, he makes me smile and laugh but I have no idea if I love him to be honest.

[misscph1973]

How much is habit? Being used to him?

I would day dream of being in my own. I don't miss him at all when he is away.

[ravenmum]

He would struggle to keep up repayments on the house, he would lose his new car, he would have to go back to his horrible horrible parents
You would sell the house. He would sell the car, which he shouldn't have bought anyway if he was in debt. He would find himself a flat share or someone to share the house if he didn't want to live with his parents. He is a grown man. These steps are difficult, but once they are done, they are done and you have got a whole big burden off your shoulders and can start again a free woman.

I'm not sure you need an added explanation about having being the child in relationships to explain why you are pissed off with your dh for hiding debt from you. Your reaction seems absolutely normal to me for someone finding out that their dh has been keeping important secrets which will affect her quality of life.