Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

A year together but he wont commit?

(17 Posts)
angelxbabyx Sun 15-Oct-17 22:28:45

Ive been seeing a guy now for almost a year coming up in 2 weeks. It was my birthday 2 days ago but I had asked him to book a hotel for the day after for us to stay in because he cares for his nan and I have 2 children who I havent introduced him properly too. (We briefly knew eachother for years before we started seeing eachother and hes met my kids but I havent involved them in the relationship so he doesnt see them). Ok so on my birthday I stupidly started a row with him over something silly, he messaged me that night a few times and I ignored him until the next day in the afternoon. I apologised and I said it was my fault and I asked if the hotel that night was still on. He said he had cancelled it becuse I was ignoring him and he couldnt afford to waste the money if I wasnt gonna turn up. I was devasted, because he works full time running his own business and I have 2 kids and live with family in the year weve been seeing eachother we have never spent a day together or been able to sleep in together. It seriously hurt me but I also dont think he knew how important it was to me. We got into a row about us. My point is in a year we've never spent one day together that is mainly due to the fact I have the kids and no babysitter, so usually 3 times a week I put the kids to bed at 8pm and I go to his and I leave his at 5.30am the next day to be home at 6am before the kids wake up. (I live with family and aslong as theyre asleep they dont mind me being out aslong as im home before they wake). I think weve been out together about 4 times for drinks or dinner in a year. He says we are not together but wants to keep seeing me. Weve rowed about it and I told him im going to stop seeing him because he wont properly commit. Ive explained I dont need a marriage proposal or to live together but just general things such as going out more often and meeting friends and family. Ive only met one of his friends and thats only because we bumped into him when we first started seeinf eachtoher. After a year, I love this guy, I want things to progress but he is adiment that he things this pace if fine and he doesnt want to put a label on us and hea been hurt a lot in the past. (That is fact, I witnessed it myself with his ex. He was crushed). I know he cares about me a lot and i know hes not seeing anyone else so what do I do. I dont want to be another year down the line and still be in this position but he says he doesnt know what he wants just that he wants to keep seeing me. (Also its not about sex, we dont have sex often). We love eachothers company and I love evedythinf about him but he wont budge on this and neither will I so now I am heartbroken and he is saying the same but borh of us wont change our minds. Should I move on or do I wait this out in the hope it progressess? Im not one of those women that goes from man to man and thinkinf ive fallen in love with each of them. Ive waited a long time for someone who made me happy who I could talk to and felt comfortable with and I dont want to lose that. I was so sure that it would work itself out but its not and I dont know what to do. i dont think any other guy will compare to him now ive known how amazing it is to be with someone this great. But he wont change his mind!!! I think if he doesnt change his mind then im gonna have to walk away. 😔 someone please advice! Thanks

Willowy Sun 15-Oct-17 22:50:58

Hi OP,

Hmmm it looks like he won’t budge from his position. Have you asked him why he wants to keep things as they are? Ask him what it is specifically that’s the issue. Does he feel like he will maybe get tied down when he doesn’t want to be? I don’t mean this to sound rude. Does he have kids of his own? If not it may be that he doesn’t want the responsibilities that would come from being a step-dad.

If he’s adamant he doesn’t want to settle down with you I think you’d be best cutting your losses. Sorry, it’s shit, been there and done that, life is too short to be spent hoping someone will change their mind. I would ask him out right what the issue is and if the response was that he didn’t want to take things further I would walk away but that’s just me.

Good luck

RedForFilth Sun 15-Oct-17 22:55:40

You need to end it and move on. You want a committed relationship and he doesn't. There's no point carrying on when you fundamentally want different things.

This might sound harsh but him saying he doesn't know what he wants is maybe just enough to give you a tiny bit of hope. It sounds convenient for him whilst he waits for someone he does want to commit to.

Also, if you stay over 3 times a week surely you would be able to go out for dinner together?

Adviceplease360 Sun 15-Oct-17 23:06:52

He's just stringing you along. Enough hope to stop you from leaving him. Will sound mean but if he wanted to commit, he would.

BelarusianDoll Sun 15-Oct-17 23:28:01

Be brave and move on. Don't waste precious years on him.

CodeineAndCornflakes Mon 16-Oct-17 00:02:39

Hi Op, if someone really wants to be with you, you don't have to bargain with them to give you a bit of their time. Please read the book "He's just not that into you".
Pop literature I know, but it helped me a lot a few years ago!

Don't waste your life on this flaky, disinterested man. flowers

Aquamarine1029 Mon 16-Oct-17 01:09:56

You both want very different things. It's time to move on.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 16-Oct-17 01:36:02

If it is not a "yes", then it is a "no". Sorry. Move on.
And please don't tip toe around tapering him off or the "just friends" nonsense. Any more time you spend with him, will be time other prospects will think you are unavailable.

I can feel your frustration through your post. Even if he did "come around eventually", that may set the template for how he handles every big decision. Do yourself a favor and skip all of that frustration.

NightNight15 Mon 16-Oct-17 02:13:25

If you get to his or meet somewhere after 8pm you can still go to cinema, theatre, drinks, meal, live music gigs, comedy nights, bingo etc if you live near a town or city. A hotel can also be booked any time. . In summer it does not get dark until 10pm so you can do walks, picnics etc. If he is offering you none of these I would look to move onto someone who offers you more
. He sounds incredibly boring and has no interest in doing or going anywhere with you. You deserve better.

NightNight15 Mon 16-Oct-17 02:24:56

It also seems he did nothing to celebrate your birthday. For that alone I would end the relationship. Do you work? You would be better off working nightshift rather than spending time with him!

Changerofname987654321 Mon 16-Oct-17 02:31:16

* He says we are not together but wants to keep seeing me.* He is being very clear in tell you what he wants. If this is not what you want and I can’t imagine anyone wanting this, then you need to end it.

SoleBizzz Mon 16-Oct-17 02:49:40

He is the move on from man not the more man.

MistressDeeCee Mon 16-Oct-17 02:54:11

OP I read your post and wondered if he was one of those "ok behind the gates but not seen by my mates" types - ie will be with a woman within 4 walls but no way is she meeting his family and good friends. Especially the good friends who have partners. Aside from that he is cool with relationship as it now but you want more commitment. In which case you may as well end it as he is not so into you, isn't at same commitment stage as you are, and you will end up still drifting along and being resentful of doing that It doesn't exactly sound as if he is pulling out all the stops to keep you

Foobarjar Mon 16-Oct-17 03:13:55

I was where you are 6 months into a relationship. Single mum, 2 kids. He free and 'single' not wanting to label it. My advice is get strong, get your own interests, be independent, don't jump to his requests to go over to his etc. If he wants you, he'll make the effort. Having kids is likely a blocker, he needs to make up his mind if you're worth that. Mine did, and we're very happy. Took some time for him to get comfortable though and now he's very committed and we're in love. Good luck

angelxbabyx Tue 17-Oct-17 20:52:27

Ive bit the bullet and completely ended it. Its been 2 days. I think the whole ruining my birthday thing was a tippping point for me. Dont think ive ever been so crushed. He asked me over both nights since and for the first time ever I said no! Im devastated but if he cant do this for me then I must not be that important to him and I should find someone who does think im worth it.
Thanks ladies for the support and advice. I needed that kick up the ass. x

ferrier Tue 17-Oct-17 20:57:41

Bravely done angel flowers

BadHatter Tue 17-Oct-17 22:33:43

I mean, you were the one who ruined your birthday night in a hotel by treating him like trash, no?

I think it’s best for both of you that this thing is over.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: