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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Partner lying...what do I do?

27 replies

AnxietyStrikes · 15/10/2017 20:20

Hi,
The last two weeks my parter of 5 years has been away for work with other members of his team. Him going away was a huge issue as we have just had a baby and I was worried about being on my own as have no family support nearby. Anyway, we are two weeks in. He has been calling me and messaging me while he has been there and he was saying he hated the whole thing.

He came home for the weekend on Friday and for some reason I got a funny feeling. I can't explain it but I felt something weird and I looked on his phone. Turns out one of the women he is working with he's been messaging her, going to the gym with her everyday. Some of the messages were in my view innapropriate.

I confronted him straight away. He said he was just trying to get along with his team members and he wanted people to like him. He was very apologetic and said he understood why I was upset but there was nothing in it at all.

My problem is the amount of lies he told me. I told me he was in the gym on his own when he wasn't, he also never told me that the training he is on has been extended and now it's 4 weeks instead of 3.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut. He's going back there tomorrow morning and I just know I'll be spending all week going over it and wondering what he's doing.

He's also put a new password on his phone today.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Report

Maelstrop · 15/10/2017 21:16

New password? That's very telling.

JustMumNowNotMe · 15/10/2017 21:23

Yes the new password bit stopd out for me too, I was thinking I wouldn't be worried until I got to that bit 0

FritzDonovan · 15/10/2017 21:27

Sorry, I've no answer apart from laying out how disrespectful it is, and asking for the password. If he wasn't such liar you'd not need to check up, sorry, but he doesn't deserve the trust of phone privacy right now. Of course, if he's serious about it he'll find a way.
I've had the 'trying to include a workmate' (who happened to be female, and had been there already when he joined) -thats not the problem - the lies and secrecy is, so I understand what you're feeling. It's v destructive.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2017 21:28

Dodgy

Ellendegeneres · 15/10/2017 21:33

Dodgy as fuck.

Smeaton · 15/10/2017 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/10/2017 21:42

You don't know what to do?

What are your options do you think?

Happyfoodie50 · 15/10/2017 22:14

Similar thing happened to me. My other half went away on a course of 2 weeks with work and told me it was just him and a male work colleague. They were staying in the Cotswolds at a spa hotel. I got a funny feeling and looked on his phone and saw messages back and forth with this female colleague that was on the course with him. Nothing inappropriate but definitely flurting and somewhat more thoughtout than the basic texts he ever sent me. I felt like vomiting. Although he never cheated as far as I know , by then he had lied so much I couldn't believe a word he said. I broke up with him eventually as it just makes you question everything and made me feel insecure.

QuiteLikely5 · 15/10/2017 22:17

What sort of messages were suspicious? Examples?

sprockercrazy · 15/10/2017 22:20

I’m sorry OP but if he’s changed his password , he’s got something to hide..

AtSea1979 · 15/10/2017 22:21

OP I'm so sorry. What a shitty thing for him to do when you've just had a baby. You need to get your ducks in a row. He on a very slippery slope.

C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2017 22:24

Dodgy AF

fairytaleoflondontown · 15/10/2017 22:29

Alarm bells are ringing.....

Kleptronic · 15/10/2017 23:03

What kind of training suddenly gets extended by a week? Surely the trainer and cohort would already have other plans, and the hotel other bookings?

LellyMcKelly · 15/10/2017 23:17

Training does not get extended by a week. That just does not happen.

AnxietyStrikes · 16/10/2017 06:45

He going back up to Leeds this morning and has promised me pictures and messages and proof he is no where near this woman.
He's said that the messages were a big misunderstanding. They were basically him saying he had wine in his room and her saying "is that an invitation?" And then stating she was in her underwear so it would be inappropriate for her to come over but that she likes him. He said that he never meant it like that at all and she got the wrong end of the stick.

I'm confused and don't know what to think. He's lied about so much this week. I know he loves us and wants his family but he doesn't seem to get why I'm so upset by this.

OP posts:

AnxietyStrikes · 16/10/2017 06:49

Also the training is for new work being taken over and the Leeds office being made redundant. I know he is not lying about the training being extended because I can easily find this out. I worked at the same company for years and so know alot of people. Also my mum and sister work there and are quite high up so he can't lie

OP posts:

AlonsosLeftPinky · 16/10/2017 09:11

Wow. If someone I worked with started telling me they were in their underwear so would it be inappropriate to come to my hotel room for wine I'd be shutting the conversation down pronto and keeping any future messages to work.

That said, if my DH started looking through my phone, I'd also change the password as it's my personal space and I don't take kindly to invasion of my privacy. Of course, he'd be welcome to look if he asked me and explained why.

Rubbishparent82 · 16/10/2017 09:51

Wow. I know if it was me all the 'messages and photos' in the world wouldn't prove anything. He was sending you messages and calling you before wasn't he, saying he hated it which was a pack of lies. If he was being open and honest he would not have changed his password.

How far away is the training? Do you know the woman?

AnxietyStrikes · 16/10/2017 10:25

The training is 3 hour train journey away and I don't know the woman to speak to bit I know of her. I used to work at the same place. She is double my age and a grandmother.

I would never usually look on his phone but I just had a feeling that I couldn't shake.

I am inclined to believe that he never meant the message in the way she took it bit I am still hurt.
It doesn't help that I'm on my own all week now until Friday while he's away so my mind is on overdrive thinking about it.

OP posts:

certificateofauthenticity · 16/10/2017 10:54

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.

Friedrich Nietzsche.

I think this quote summed it up for me. Once trust is broken it can be impossible to get back without complete openness. That means no passwords and the truth. No matter how hard to take. Oh, and no more getting caught out, even with white lies.

Rubbishparent82 · 16/10/2017 12:20

Just typed a long reply and my awful phone deleted it! Will keep it brief. Just wondering if his lying is a pattern or just a one off? Is she senior to him?

It could be honestly that he didn't want to reject her harshly just to keep the peace. Maybe he even feels sorry for her. Maybe he changed his password so you couldn't se the messages he had sent telling her you'd read their messages, got the wrong idea and could she back off....?

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Happyfoodie50 · 16/10/2017 13:22

I think it could be nothing but keep vigilant.The problem now even if nothing happened it's sowed the suspicious seed in your mind which will make you horribly anxious. My partner messaged someone once saying a really supportive message ending with a joke about superman and underpants , nothing saying he was having an affair but still remember how it made me feel as he was being cheeky to someone other than me.He's basically made you feel insecure and that is hard to shake off. People lie sometimes to protect. My partner does this so I only really know what's going on by looking at his phone but I've learnt that sometimes you will always find something and maybe innocent but then it gets twisted in our mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2017 18:58

Can you hire someone to observe him and take pictures if necessary? He's lying out his ass and I would want proof of it.

WombOfOnesOwn · 16/10/2017 23:55

This and pregnancy are the highest-risk times for men to have affairs.

I told my DH in no uncertain terms when I became pregnant that while it's possible that at some points in our relationship, depending on a multitude of circumstances, I might be willing to work through an episode of infidelity -- but that if he was ever unfaithful while I was pregnant or dealing with an infant, he'd never see me again long enough to "explain his side" or talk me out of it. I told him I'd move abroad and never even send him a photograph of his child.

He did one of these O.O but I think it got the point across that I was deathly serious and wouldn't tolerate even a hint of infidelity during such a delicate and personal time. My father cheated on my mother when she was pregnant and nursing, and their relationship was never the same.

Many women are blind to how risky this time is -- I would have been suspicious from the moment a man wanted to "check out" of his responsibilities during the newborn phase for several weeks.

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