Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does it bother you when husband lies about small things?

(152 Posts)
Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:21:52

Hi, just coming to vent I suppose. I'm with a lovely supportive hard working guy, pregnant with his baby. He works in a warehouse, recently started there. I asked who he worked with out of interest a couple of weeks back, what the team was like and he said it was a proper sausage party (his words). I was like, seriously no women at all in the warehouse?! Genuinely thinking this was odd! And he said yep he's never even seen one! I thought nothing more of it except that it must be a really physical job /sexist company and I don't give a toss anyway.

So fast forward to today, and he comes home uncharacteristically happy and full of energy, was a delight to see. I joked around that they must have had stripper Sunday in the warehouse for all the boys and he laughed it off but went bright red! Now, you know when you can just tell somethings up?!! I was confused and asked if something was wrong, and he said no but after asking him again and telling him I just knew something was, he eventually told me that there had been three women working in the warehouse and he had lied!

I couldn't give less of a crap about the actual people, he used to be a bouncer at a club ffs and it never affected us apart from the horrendous shift times. Hes no flirt. Just really worried why he would lie about something so small? I don't even mind if he say had a crush on one of them, it's natural and he knows my opinions on all that. I'm bi myself and regularly have crushes in women which he knows about. It is not the first time he has doe this though and i don't know why it annoys and worries me so damn much! The lying -
not the women! My ex and I used to joke about and fantasise about women all the time and I know nobody is a threat to me in his eyes. I think he's very devoted.

If he lies about such massively insignificant things with no reason then why wouldn't he lie about bigger things, though? Past things he's lied about are equally insignificant... Like walking someone he used to have an crush on home after a night out once and telling me he walked home alone. I was upset more about the lying than the thing!

Has anyone had experience of a man like this and did it lead to him lying about bigger things or was it just a quirk of his nature?

MargotMoon Sun 15-Oct-17 19:29:21

Hmmn, I'm not sure that is lying about something small. A small lie would be "yes I did put the bins out" or "no it's fine if your annoying sister comes to stay for the weekend".

Lying about working with women and then coming home all loved up one day would have me concerned

albedo Sun 15-Oct-17 19:30:02

Yes to both.

He would lie if he thought the truth would get him into the smallest amount of trouble or if he thought it would upset me. This included plans for the future, attitudes to money, etc etc.

He was a habitual liar. It got to the point where lying was his default.

I couldn't trust a single word he said. Anything from which supermarket he went to to whether he'd cheated. He had no integrity.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:30:45

You should be very concerned. Lies are lies are lies. If he lies about small, meaningless things, he ABSOLUTELY will lie about big things. He may very well be a pathological liar. He has a sandwich for lunch but tells you he had soup. They lie even when they KNOW you know they are lying. There's no reason to lie but he just does. I have experience with one of these people and there is no changing them. This isn't a "quirk." It's a serious problem.

Whisky2014 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:33:46

But what was different today than the other days that he came home so happy?

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:36:31

These responses are making my blood run cold. My partner I mentioned has gone so far as to straight lie to my face about things he had already admitted, it's crazy making and I need to put on this mad powerful mystical detective face and stare straight into his eyes to get him to admit to anything ever.

Does it make a difference that he is young and I'm not? Could it be some hangover from teenage years or something lying to his mum? Is there any fixing the problem?

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:38:47

Whisky - that was my question! I made a joke of it as I knew it would be a strange thing to ask outright and it coulda been any manner of things.... It was the going red that got me.

Doreah Sun 15-Oct-17 19:41:34

Does his lies always involve women? The reason for asking is that my ex would lie to me about women, not because he was cheating but because his ex before me was so absurdly jealous should would flip out if he was in the same room as a woman so he got in the habit of lying to her about it rather than face an unjustified ear bashing and never got out of the habit, even though it didn't worry me.

MiracleCure Sun 15-Oct-17 19:44:20

Is it a small thing? My ex lied by being devious and economical with information. The divorce has wiped the smug smirk from his face!

Aquamarine1029 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:50:47

His age has absolutely nothing to do with it. I would bet a million dollars that if you could talk to any of his former partners they would tell you he constantly lied about anything and everything. I don't mean to be so pessimistic, but I have lived this. You will get to the point where you will not be able to believe a single word he says about anything. If his lips are moving, he's lying.

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 19:52:52

Doreah - no it's not always about women but usually is. I'm his first ever girlfriend though if that makes a difference? Before me he was just a geeky guy into weird porn. Which he also lied about big time.

Well actually when we met on our first date he was telling me it was his first ever date and he had never even kissed a woman before. Obviously that turned out to be a lie, too, I found out a year later, he had kissed a few girls and been on dates but I found it quite sweet somehow that he had felt the need to lie to impress me with his purity or something! (I was an unashamed wild slag in my youth haha)

Now though it all seems a bit weird. He's almost over devoted? Like the stuff he says about his love for me is so far fetched it can't be true..

Out2pasture Sun 15-Oct-17 19:56:59

Dealbreaker.
The lies will get bigger, more convoluted, you’ll never be able to trust him with anything small inconsequential or large.

albedo Sun 15-Oct-17 20:02:56

You being his first girlfriend and him being young makes no difference. He's a liar. He's lied to you since the very beginning of your relationship.

I've learnt this lesson twice. Both guys were so fundamentally damaged that lies were like protective cocoons. It allowed them to pretend to be who they thought i wanted. They couldn't be honest if their lives depended on it. I don't believe people like this can be fixed.

SnoogyWoo Sun 15-Oct-17 20:41:28

All men do this in the hope of a quiet life.

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 20:42:35

Albedo - when you caught them out in lies did they convince you to forgive them and make out it was just kind of a lie by omission a la bill clinton?

If I wern't pregnant..... But I am... And you can't dump the father of your kid over a lie can you? Can I?

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 20:44:40

Snoogy woo they don't! Many of my exes would tell me things that could be potentially hurtful to my face. Some men lie for a quiet life. Like my ex who turned out to have a five year girlfriend he hadn't told anyone about, including me. That revelation started with small lies. Like who had knitted the pair of socks he lent me.

Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to it all

albedo Sun 15-Oct-17 20:58:05

Oh op it sounds like you've been here before.

Approaches varied. Sometimes they'd just deny it. Sometimes they'd say they only lied "for a quiet life" (I'm pretty laid back so this was questionable). Often it was the "it wasn't technically a lie because..."

Cowards both of them.

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 21:05:58

It wasn't technically a lie but. Ha. yes I'm getting that one now as I sit in a pub alone, knocking back the tomato juice,reading his pitiful explanation on whatsapp.

It was technically a lie actually. And he's even lied on our unborn child's life before. I know how pitifully immature that sounds.

NoCanoe Sun 15-Oct-17 21:22:58

Ok. I know about how small lies fester. It still niggles decades on.
My view - and still is - if you like about small stuff ( convincingly!) - then you can lie about the big stuff . Equally convincingly.
I've only found out the small lies. Which makes me suspect bluddy everything! Or used to. I stopped caring, to some extent, due to lack of trust . It's sad.

But....this lie about your unborn baby?? What the he'll is that about???

NoCanoe Sun 15-Oct-17 21:23:00

Ok. I know about how small lies fester. It still niggles decades on.
My view - and still is - if you like about small stuff ( convincingly!) - then you can lie about the big stuff . Equally convincingly.
I've only found out the small lies. Which makes me suspect bluddy everything! Or used to. I stopped caring, to some extent, due to lack of trust . It's sad.

But....this lie about your unborn baby?? What the he'll is that about???

NoCanoe Sun 15-Oct-17 21:24:47

Clearly I like to make the point twice! I'm duplicitous too!

albedo Sun 15-Oct-17 21:25:02

sad I'm sorry op. It's shitty. I remember how destabilising it is. You can never be sure what's real. And any attempt to talk or address the issue ends in more lies.

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 21:46:24

Nocanoe of I can't trust you who can I trust! You two faced mofo!

Thanks for the input, it all rings so true. He just lied on the babys life about something that turned out to be a lie. Ie "i swear on x's life" like a ten year old! But it shocked me, I'm superstitious.

Albedo - yes exactly, exactly. I'm almost at the point of a poster above where I never bother asking him anything as the lies stress me so much.

NoCanoe Sun 15-Oct-17 22:03:30

That's shit. I'm sorry. I never asked my DH to lie on anyone's life for 2 reasons. 1) I'm superstitious and 2) I still wouldn't trust him anyway, because he isn't.

I've huge things with little lies. I've told him don't lie about the little things because they do nothing but build mistrust.
Did he get it? Did he fuck.
I tell the truth even when I know it's going to cause problems. I do it to show I'm walking the walk. He still doesn't get it.

Some people just lie.

Rubbishparent82 Sun 15-Oct-17 22:38:24

You're still with him???

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now