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Dating a Muslim?

(43 Posts)
Confusion1 Sun 15-Oct-17 15:16:43


Any advice from people who've dated Muslim men before, or who have knowledge of Islam would be helpful...

I started dating a Muslim recently, we met online and chatted for about a month. I found out a lot about him before he revealed he is Muslim - he only mentioned this after I asked if he followed a religion and to be honest I was quite surprised he is Muslim. He simply said "Muslim" and then changed the subject. (He is from South Africa and we live in the Middle East.)

Throughout our conversations he seemed very liberal. He's done drugs and drink in the past, and now regrets those things, and had some horrendous experiences which he shared with me. He no longer does either of these which he told me was due to his bad experiences.

He didn't talk about his religion at all, but discussed various things (e.g. the past drug use) that seemed very much at odds with how a strict Muslim should live, and so I just assumed he wasn't taking his religion too seriously and wasn't following it in a strict manner. He never once mentioned praying or anything like that.

Anyway, on our third date we ended up having sex, it wasn't planned at all but there was clearly a lot of chemistry between us and we had a strong connection. As we'd got on so well, I was expecting more dates and to see where it would end up. I was also hoping for the sex part to develop.

However, the next day he messaged me saying that he feels he's betrayed his promise to God by having sex with me, as he doesn't believe in sex before marriage as is following Islam. Now bear in mind our conversations had taken a sexual turn a few weeks before, plus on this night we did sleep together he was the one taking the lead, he was the one who asked to come back to mine, he was the one who initiated the sex. But somehow I feel guilty as if I have done something wrong... he hasn't said this but he said something along the lines of "well what was I supposed to do when faced with the temptation" almost as if i there myself at him or something. I just feel really depressed about the fact I slept with him. I'm also upset as I thought it was going somewhere yet we're clearly on very different pathways which I feel a bit hoodwinked about, as he didn't once mention his religion being important to him. He also said that's the real reason eh doesn't drink... why wouldn't he just tell me it's because of his religion?!

I said I don't think I want to continue to see him as I feel really confused about everything, and he seemed shocked and annoyed. I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from posting, maybe just some clarity. I'm also wondering why he kept so quiet about his religion if it is so
Important to him?!

Also want to clarify that I am in no way anti Islam or anything like that. Is it even possible to date a Muslim as a non Muslim?! I don't follow any religion.

Sorry for the rambling post. Thanks!

RavingRoo Sun 15-Oct-17 15:19:33

Islam like all religions has a lot of nutcases who use religion to excuse their behaviour. Dump the git and get a partner who doesn’t make you feel like a slut for having sex.

Orangebird69 Sun 15-Oct-17 15:22:56

You can date (although that's not very Islamic of him)... as you are a non believer and he's a good muslim hmm, you couldn't get married so bit of a non starter really. Steer clear.

elevenclips Sun 15-Oct-17 15:23:55

My friend dated a Muslim guy. They were together for 5yrs. Like the guy you describe, this guy was also doing stuff that was not in line with the religion. However often even if a particular man is not following the religion "properly" he will have older family who will not approve. My friends bf kept her existence a secret for 5yrs. She desperately wanted to marry him. He dumped her because his family would not have accepted her being white and having been doing what they'd been doing. But your guy sounds like he was just after a shag and hiding behind religion to tell you to piss off afterwsrds.

Annelind Sun 15-Oct-17 15:29:20

What elevenclips said. Learn and move on. People using religion as a barrier as and when it suits them piss me off. In fact religion of any kind pisses me off.

Hellywelly10 Sun 15-Oct-17 15:44:59

Poor you. He sounds like a dick head. I don't think you need to learn anything about Islam to understand him. He is a hypocrite.

TinkleWoed Sun 15-Oct-17 16:17:14

He is a misogynistic opportunist who had timed his ideals to suit his agenda. This is the problem with religious types that can't fully commit to their beliefs. They will offload their issues and baggage on to you. There is also a possibility that his ideals have resurfaced because he has already slept with you.Dump him while you can and call it a lucky escape...

MagicFajita Sun 15-Oct-17 16:20:00

His mention of his faith is a red herring. The real problem here is that he's a prick and is not treating you with respect.

I'd keep away from I were you , you can do better.

Gimmeareason Sun 15-Oct-17 16:23:06

Sleazy as fuck!

AfunaMbatata Sun 15-Oct-17 16:24:06

Men like him often expect the females around them to follow strict rules but won’t themselves. You failed his test. Won’t make a good wife (in his eyes).

Just block and ignore him, move on.

DaisysStew Sun 15-Oct-17 16:30:47

I've dated Muslim men and none of them acted like this - because they weren't hypocrites. They knew that pre-marital sex, drink etc is haram and they chose to do it of their own free will.

And he kept quiet about his religion because he wanted a shag. He got one and know he's blaming you for "tempting" him. He's an arse.

rosareine Sun 15-Oct-17 16:32:12

And he kept quiet about his religion because he wanted a shag. He got one and know he's blaming you for "tempting" him. He's an arse.

^^ This

MiniTheMinx Sun 15-Oct-17 16:43:16

I dated a couple of Arabs (Muslim) when I was younger. I have socialised with many of them. They are always conflicted. Beautiful looking, charming, and generous mostly. They want to date you because they think it's easier to get in your knickers, but however much they like you they almost despise you for leading them to temptation. That's why women are covered. It's misogyny. They can't overcome it, it's deeply ingrained.

MiniTheMinx Sun 15-Oct-17 16:45:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AfunaMbatata Sun 15-Oct-17 16:48:01

That is not true of all Muslim men minx.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 15-Oct-17 16:50:58

Yep, what Daisy said

My SIL has this with a Christian man (she’s also Christian) and blamed her for tempting him hmm

Mysoginistic arsehole

MiniTheMinx Sun 15-Oct-17 17:02:21

Of course, it won't be true of all, I agree.

QueenOfTheAndals Sun 15-Oct-17 17:08:44

It's nothing to do with being a Muslim and everything to do with being a prick.

Sunshinesaz86 Sun 15-Oct-17 17:20:38

I have a Muslim friend who years ago drank did drugs etc also had a white girlfriend for years and then split as his family wouldn't approve. He then decided he was going to be a 'good muslim' his words. Started taking his praying more serious etc but all the time getting a new white girlfriend who was more mature lady he strung her on for 2 years then decided he couldn't date a white woman again. I do think they can be conflicted, but I do agree some just make bad choices and then blame religion or feel guilty. I have never agreed with how our friend treated both his girlfriends and when I asked him why he didn't just try dating Muslim woman his answer is because he finds white woman more attractive.

I've come to the conclusion he'll either forever be single or end up with a Muslim woman to please his family. Unless he can get a white woman to convert.

HoneyWheeler Sun 15-Oct-17 17:33:21

He’s a grown man and can say ‘no’ if he doesn’t want to do something. You’re not to blame for his shitty take on sex - and believe me, his religion has got nothing to do with it. As other posters have said - real Muslim men take responsibility for their actions or choose not to do things they’re not comfortable with.

If it were me, I’d steer clear, because otherwise he’ll have more misogynistic treats in store down the line.

tehmina23 Sun 15-Oct-17 17:40:20

I've dated several Muslim men and really.. they were all different to each other because just like 'christians' they vary in their levels of belief and in their habits.

Confusion1 Sun 15-Oct-17 17:55:59

It is funny you should say that minx regarding going down as he actually said to me "I won't do that"!

userxx Sun 15-Oct-17 18:12:09

Sounds like he was after a shag, got it then started spouting about religion as an excuse to not take things further. What a cock!!

bluebells1 Sun 15-Oct-17 18:15:06

It could be my ignorance, so please feel free to correct me. I always thought that only drinking was haram. Almost all the muslim guys I know do drugs. And I agree with what everyone else said. He was just using religion as a cover. Dump him.

Ttbb Sun 15-Oct-17 18:19:57

You dodged a bullet there. All normal muslims behave like normal people. I.e. They don't pledge celibacy only to jump into bed with someone they hardly know.

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