Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Conflicted

(4 Posts)
kinny4321 Sun 15-Oct-17 11:32:24

Just had a long chat with DH which ended up with me saying I’m done
We’ve been married 15 years. 4 dcs aged 2-10.He doesn’t help with the kids, doesn’t help managing anything at home from finances to diy. His hours are quite long but he loves his job and also has various hobbies eg fitness which take up quite a lot of his time. I do everything at home and also have 3 part time jobs.
Thought it was the price to pay to be with him as we’ve been together since our teens and he makes me laugh. He’s an amazing dad.
He’s disorganised and inept. He can’t handle money. We’ve had conversations over the years about how he can improve but he doesn’t seem able to pull his finger out and support the home life i feel like I’ve essentially built singlehandedly. When in the past we have talked about it it always just ends up on me because I don’t let him take responsibility and he says he will do it if I just let him. But then every time stuff ends up not getting done and even when I have tried to just not get worked up about it, I have to get involved at some point as it is proper stuff and otherwise we would have no insurance on the car so can’t do school run, or paying triple on our mortgage as he doesn’t fill out the form in time, etc.. I think our friends look at us and feel grateful that they’re not married to someone like him.
Ive been having some tough times recently and he hasn’t supported me. He is in is own world. when I speak to him about anything he just clenches his fists or rolls his eyes. I feel like the most annoying person in the world. I’m not sure he actually likes me that much.
Sometimes it all gets too much and I overreact and shout. But he never thinks about what led to that point, only that I’m overreacting. If I get frustrated about money or house stuff or his lack of involvement he just makes me feel like I’m the negative one and nothing is a big deal and we’re all supposed to live in a happy world and not get worked up.
I really love him and the life we’ve created for our kids but I am not sure I can do this for another 40 years.
He basically told me that all he wants is for me to be happy and that surely I’m happy with the kids etc and that what I love about our family life is the fun and happiness he brings to it which is true. But there seems to be a big difference between his words and actions! I’ve told him so many times that what would make me happy is a bit more support. Practical, emotional. But he doesn’t seem able to give it to me. I’m not
sure if I am too needy. It feels like it will never change.
So am I basically stuck??
Please help. I need practical tips on what we can do to stay together but for things to change. Who’s been here?

HipsterAssassin Sun 15-Oct-17 12:05:29

Get divorced. You'll get a break every other weekend with time for you, no resentment or feeling like your needs count for bugger all.

You can stay amicable, he can parent the dc, make you laugh and you'll be free to find a grown up to have a partnership with. Which is what you understandably want and need.

I couldn't stay in love with a man like this. In fact I didn't. Life is much better now.

TheStoic Sun 15-Oct-17 12:07:29

He’s an amazing dad, but doesn’t do anything with the kids? How does that work?

kinny4321 Sun 15-Oct-17 13:09:29

Sorry, I was flippant
He does stuff WITH the kids - takes them out etc, does fun stuff .. doesn’t HELP with the kids - major decisions to everyday stuff

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now