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Should I try to work through this(7 Posts)
I've been with my H for 10 years, married for 7 and have 2 young children.
2.5 years ago I discovered that my H had cheated on a works conference. He claims they just kissed - do I believe this? Not sure but to me, cheating is cheating. I then found out I was pregnant - this was a planned and wanted pregnancy and I must have been just weeks when H cheated as neither of us were aware at the time.
Because I was pregnant, we decided to carry on but never really worked through what had happened, it just got swept under the carpet as I was so poorly with pregnancy.
Then I had my youngest and all seemed to be going well but H worked far away and was up at 4.30am meaning I did all the night feeds, looked after both children, house etc on 3 - 4hrs broken sleep per night and my baby was such a poor sleeper and still is. This went on for approx a year then he got a job working from home but travel became a part of his job.
I started to resent him because he would often be away getting full uninterrupted nights sleep, dinner in peace, etc. Whilst I was at home, no sleep, 2 kids, a VERY demanding 1yr old -you get the picture.
I wanted to work but we have no support network to help and with H working away, I couldn't rely on him being around to help with any school runs so working isn't really an option - again something else I resent him for.
Fast forward to July and I found out I was pregnant which was very much unplanned and a shock. We were using contraception and neither of us wanted another child.
We both decided a termination was the best thing for us, and I booked it and went ahead with it. However the whole time I was pregnant (8 weeks) I suffered terribly with sickness as per my first 2 children and H didn't support me much and he didn't mention the termination whilst I was waiting for the date.
To me I was going over and over things in my head, suffering with the sickness and tiredness and he was just carrying on like normal and nothing affected him.
The morning of the termination, I got up to get ready and he just stayed in bed and didn't so much as ask me how I was doing or feeling.
The days that followed it wasn't really talked about and that was 6 weeks ago now.
We don't kiss each other goodnight, or goodbye when the other leaves the house, I've asked him to consider having a vasectomy as I really can't go through all that again and he has point blank refused (I was on the pill for many years and had 2 horrendous pregnancies and a traumatic birth with 2nd child and almost died)
I've told him I don't want to have sex until we sort something out and his response "that's fine I've got babestation"
He is a great Dad to the 2 boys but as a husband I feel he isn't that great.
We argue about stupid things and always have done.
He lies about things - some big some little and I don't trust him completely (yes i know, thats not good on my part)
He can be a very frustrating man to be with but he is the father of my children and I feel so bad if I think of them with separated parents as my eldest is Daddy's best friend and idolises him.
I do think this all stems from never really talking about what happened when he cheated and from then on in, its just been one thing after another.
If it wasn't for the children then I would have left by now but I feel I owe it to them to try everything I can. At the moment he just irritates me and I when he is going away for work I feel relieved but I understand this can't go on and I need to do something either way but I don't know what?!
I personally wouldn't. This doesn't sound like much of a marriage, you are emotionally disconnected from each other, leading separate lives except for your children. Some people do carry on in this situation but that requires acceptance that this is how the marriage will be. If you are not able to reconcile to this, what other options do you have? Well, from your description of your husband, I doubt very much he will put energy into fixing this, he sounds like a cold, distant person without any empathy for you. Given, this I don't think you should put the onus on yourself to save the marriage. I would seriously consider leaving.
So sorry this is happening to you. You may have some very difficult times ahead but you will be giving yourself a chance of real happiness once the storm is over. Ask yourself, is there any chance of that if you stay?
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does this man meet?. Forget everything else for a minute, what does this relationship bring and do for you?.
Women in poor relationships often write the "he's a good dad" comment or versions of that when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You yourself have written nothing positive about him.
He is NOT a good dad if he has and continues to treat you with such open contempt. It is also telling for you to state that if it was not for the children you would have left by now. Children love parents as well no matter how rubbish they actually are as people. This was over the first time he cheated on you. If there is no underlying trust there is no relationship. You also cannot make this work on your own because he also is patently not interested. His life has pretty much carried on as is has for some years now whilst you carry the can for him.
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. This is not the model of a relationship they want to be learning from. You're showing them that yes this is how people do behave in relationships and a loveless marriage is their norm too. Would you want your sons to behave like this towards their partner, no you would not. So stop showing them as well that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level.
Infact you're wrong re your children and you do not owe them; you owe yourself better. You need to instead show them a positive role model of a relationships and this patently is not it. Would you want this type of relationship for them as well as adults where cheating, many elephants in the room and indifference has and does go on: hell no. I can see why he has stayed but you, no I cannot. Using these children as a reason to have stayed is also a poor one; staying for them rarely if ever works out well because it also tells them that your marriage was based on a lie. Staying simply for them places a huge burden upon them as well.
I think you've put yourself through enough. He sounds awful and you are very unhappy. Time to move on.
He will still be their dad even if you separate. You however will cease to be the downtrodden wife.
In reality, staying and doing everything you can = hoping that he will suddenly become a different person. It takes two to sweep things under the carpet and everything in your posts screams ‘I am powerless’ when the reality is. you’ve chosen to surrender your power. Yoir H takes you and your relationship for granted because he’s selfish, lazy and you haven’t pushed back.
Get out of the back seat of your life and take the bloody wheel, you are complicit in why you are where you are. Waiting for the person who prefers the status quo to change it is silly. In the words of Dr Phil, you need to start putting verbs in your sentences and the first conversation should be with yourself.
Who are you and what do you want from life?
He's just a horrible shit of a man.
Christ woman get out of there. Or get him out, rather.
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