Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Really unsure of what else I can do(15 Posts)
I apologise in advance if this becomes a long thread
I’m no longer in denial that my marriage has hit a seriously rough patch, 5 years into married life (been together for nearly 8 years).
Earlier this year my long term mental health problems (anxiety & depression) came to boiling point and I had to see my GP, if I didn’t get myself sorted it would have ended my marriage as my husband couldn’t take any more - and in hindsight I see exactly why. I was depressed but had really bad mood swings and was always shouting and complaining. Things got stronger again and we got to a better place.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. Husband has come out and he has been depressed for a long time but has always compressed his friend and put everyone else first. He’s not over his cousin dying at 32 years old (this was 4 years ago). He never got counselling for this. He’s a retail manager and his area manager has recently fallen through on a few promotion promises - so understandably he’s demotivated and fed up.
He said he doesn’t know what he wants from anything in life. He said he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me and our to DDs (3 and 1) but he doesn’t know if he can do life, marriage, responsibilities, work and just anything at all. I’ve given him space and tried my best to keep things stable at home, I’ve said I’m here for him if he wants to talk and if he doesn’t I’ll sit with him in silence, I’ve also encouraged him to go out a do something for himself even if it’s just having a beer with the lads. We also agreed we need a date night once a month. I said I’m not giving up just because it’s hard between us at the moment.
He’s had his bad days and taken a lot out on me but having been through the same thing I knew I couldn’t just give up on him.
So what I thought was progress turns out maybe not...
I picked up his phone yesterday, just to get a phone number out (he was asleep) When he woke up he asked if I went through his phone, I said I only got a phone number (and that’s all I really did!) He went off into one and said “my ex used to go through my phone!” (This was 10 years ago she did that?) I reassured him that I trusted him
And I only wanted a phone number. My anxiety began to kick in and I said “so you’re going to split up with me over a misunderstanding?” To which he replied “no but if you want to go back to your hometown and me never see my kids again then go!” I was speechless... so I got really annoyed and said to him about how I’ve been supportive and why was he being so harsh, he said he thinks I’m putting on an act?! Then he stormed out to work. I was in bed when He got home last night, he came in and kisses me on the head then went downstairs to unwind, I said sorry and he said don’t worry about it.
After he stormed out last night I was really angry with him, because I just thought “I had to address my mental health issues but why aren’t you?!” I’m not expecting him to go to the GP like I did (he said he would if he get he needed to).
I feel really unloved, confused and part of me wants to just get up with my DDs and go back to my hometown, but the most part wants me to stay and try work through this not just for the DDs but for me and OH too.
He said he doesn’t know what he wants from anything, he said maybe I should go to my hometown for a few days, but why should I drag the DDs out of routine because his head is up his arse , when he could go stay at his parents house for a few days?
Part of me is feeling like I’m steady hurting like he’s broken my heart.
Any advice would be appreciated, I’m open to trying anything that will help. I want to try save our marriage because I really do love him and he does love me.
Thanks for reading xx
Sorry, no advice here. But just wanted to be here with you because I'm going through similar feelings. How we respond to bad days, when the shit hits the fan, should be with love, care, kindness and understanding. I've been told to just go too. It's not as easy as that when kids are involved though is it? Also, it can just feel like running away from problems instead of dealing with them head on. Probably best to keep talking if you can, but I know how difficult that is when the other person just won't budge. Hugs.
Do you think there's another woman? Some classic signs here though I hope not.
I really don’t think there is if I’m honest, and that’s my gut feeling. Although if I saw any evidence to the contrary I wouldn’t delude myself.
I asked him outright if there’s someone else and he said no, and I genuinely believe him. We’ve talked this morning and I’m going away for a few days with my kids to give us both space.
We have agreed for me to go to my mums for a few days, we both need head space. I’m supposed to be going today.
I was being sick this morning , only a little bit and he jumps out of bed and accuses me of it being a coincidence that I’m sick on the day I’m supposed to be going to my mums?! I was drinking water and it was coming straight back up, but apparently i was just making it up?! And then he said he said that when I got reversed onto by a car a few weeks ago I made that up to? I have hospital records , why would I go to the hospital and waste their time? I said if he doesn’t trust me then what’s the point?
I’m in a such a mess right now, I told him I’m fed up of being in limbo and does he just want me to up and leave. Ugh why are men such bastards?!
If he wants space, he should go, and tell him to get his parse to the doctor today.
In people’s opinions on here does it sound like He’s pushing me away? I just can’t think straight
Gosh it sounded like he got really angry when he thought you weren't going to leave the house and go away for a few days. Why does he need you gone so badly?
I second what Happygirlnow says, it sounds like there is something more going on here than meets the eye. He lost it when he thought you'd gone through his phone and now he gets really angry when he thinks you're trying to get out of going away for a few days. Something isn't right.
This is my train of thought now, To be honest if it comes out there is OW involved then I’ll kick the bastard to the curb and get on with my new job and look after my girls. I need this space too, one of his friends has already said he would keep an eye on him, and this guy wouldn’t lie to me he’s my friend too.
I love him but I’m starting to resent what he’s putting me and the kids through.
Stay put - he can leave if he needs a break, don't uproot yourself and the kids.
Don't go to your mums. He's trying to get you out of the house.
I wonder what he was afraid of you seeing on his phone?
So he wants to separate temporary to work out what he wants. What he wants from life, if he wants our marriage and home etc
What the hell do I do next??
You poor bugger. I'm so sorry
He is either having an affair or, and this makes more sense to me, he is in need of seeing his GP re depression. Sounds like he's feeling so awful he isn't thinking straight.
One last thought, Going back to the phone incident, when he said his ex used to do the same, did he cheat then or give her reason to believe he did?
He never cheated or give her reason to think so, she was utterly possessive.
I just feel lost
I don't have an answer but wanted to say that him getting upset you have not left, may not be because he is hiding something as others have suggested.
Sometimes when you are in a difficult mental space you need to be completely on your own to sort it out. A partner and kids sometimes makes that difficult. Some people need a partner's support to recover some do worse with a partner's support. We are all different.
I asked my unemployed DH to leave for a week when I was so depressed and anxious about finances and his mood swings were making it worse. I work from home and it was horrible having to deal with work and his moods. Like posters on here he was also convinced it was because I wanted him gone so I could see someone else.
His insistence on staying has actually damaged an already fragile relationship. In the end I went to stay in a hotel. I bet posters on here will swear I was definitely having an affair! All I wanted was to be on my own to regroup. I won't jump so quickly to the he is cheating conclusion unless you have other evidence to prove it.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.