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How am I supposed to what I need to do...(12 Posts)
I read and lurk but haven't posted in a very long while. I'm In need of advice please. Apologies as this is very ling and a bit rambly.
H and I have been married 7 years, together for 10. Child in primary school. We have always had a rocky relationship, I would say we have never really seemed to be a unit. The only thing we agree 100% on is that we love our child dearly.
We bought a house together this year. We both work full time in professional roles - he has a 2hr each way commute so I do most of the childcare for our child. I get him up, fed and dressed and take him to school and then go on to my place of work which is 30 minutes drive away. I collect him from after school club 2x a week (MIL collects 3x a week). I cook most of the week (MIL might help by putting food in the oven a couple of times). He cooks maybe 1x a month, if that. He hoovers 1x a week. I clean the bathroom, iron (MIL irons his work shirts, I iron everything else), do laundry and hang washing up, do the online shop. I take our child for swimming lessons, birthday parties, activities, etc.
After lots of arguments about money, we settled on paying 50/50 of our outgoings into a joint account even though he earns 2x my salary. I have always said in this case, I expect him to do 50% of childcare and looking after the home. I don’t think he does this. He says it is physically impossible for him to do more during the week. But I don’t see him doing too much at the weekend either. He has had the week off last week and he has worked hard in the house and garden. He did cook 3x, I still cooked 2x during the week.
He wants his mother to move in with us and she has just accepted an offer on her house. His father died 2 years ago and he says she is lonely. He won’t talk to her about perhaps buying a flat in the same village as us.
The deposit for our house was raised by releasing equity on a flat I own. He will put his share of money into the house when his mum sells up and gives him and his sibling their inheritance from the sale (He has been paying the mortgage for his parents for the last 10 years and so will get a greater portion when the money is divided).
I have told him although I get on well with MIL I do not think our relationship is strong enough to survive her moving in with us. She really is a great help with our child but I fear that when she comes, my husband will take more of a back seat with the house and with our child. He says he understands but he says what can he do! To me that means he is putting his relationship with his mother before his relationship with me.
Tonight, after another argument, this time about me emptying and loading the dishwasher after I had cooked, I really feel like I am at the end of my tether. But I don’t know where to begin. I saw a solicitor 2 months ago and I don’t think my position is strong, ie he is entitled to half of the equity in the flat even though he has never paid anything towards it.
I think I know what I have to do but I don’t know where to begin to find the strength to do it.
Sorry it’s so long – wanted to give the whole story in one hit!
Is the agreement with his mum on a trust basis or documented, such as him having a charge over the property?
I think you are very reasonable in not wanting mil to live with you.Its not something most people would do (although I know in some cultures it's the norm)
Do you have space for mil? Could you build an annex?
Your H should support his wife and put his marriage first ahead of his mum.
It feels as if your marriage isn't balanced and the finances are very unfair.It suggests your H doesnt see you as a team which I think is essential for a good marriage.
Ending a marriage is tough but once you decide it's not getting better you can make the finances work.
He is likely to get 50:50 but it also depends on pensions and your earnings.Your child needs housing so that is a courts priority.if your H earns more he may have to get a larger mortgage.
I walked away from marriage knowing I was losing financially but I trust that I will be able to rebuild.Focus on what you can do to either make the marriage better, would he consider counselling? If not then leaving is likely to be your only option.He sounds selfish.
wouldn't you be eligible to have part of his inheritance too?
what did the solicitor say about it?
No he doesn't have a charge over his mum's house.
If she moves in with us, we would use the money to build loft extension, which would help as we currently only have 3 bedrooms accessed from a very small landing so little privacy especially as she insists on sleeping with her door open.
I'm from a culture where parents do move in with adult children when they need to. And this is something he keeps throwing at me. But when siblings have invited parents to live with them, they have big houses and lots of space
The solicitor said the inheritance would be put into the pot if the inheritance was imminent. Or words to that effect. But if we split up, I wouldn't want his inheritance. Equally my flat is for my son, I wouldn't want him to have half of something he has never put into.
His mother will take over his domestic responsibilities if you're crazy enough to let her move in. If you later split up it would be further complicated because she would be living with you.
Why have you accepted such an unequal role in your relationship? Why isn't his financial contribution a proportion of his income? I hope to God that your financial contribution to your current home is protected.
You aren't on the same page and his suggestion about his mother is more about his wants and less to do with you and yours.
This is your life too, stop being a bloody passenger. Your H has done and is doing, a bloody good job of prioritising his needs, it's time to take a lead out of his playbook.
Given the level of your current resentment, his mother moving in would only increase those levels because he would see his mother's contribution, as an opportunity to do even less than he does now. He's proposing a more unequal relationship, not a more equal one.
Are you in Scotland?
Because in England as you would be the primary carer for your DS you would be entitled to more than 1/2 the property. Also does your DH have a pension? You can negotiate giving up some of your claim on his pension for more of the equity.
Go and get legal advice from another solicitor.
I would strongly suggest splitting, as if nothing else what are you teaching your DS about relationships?
Things are as they are re. financial contribution because we argue so much over this that one day in an argument, I said yes to it just to shut things up and move things forward. Now he says I agreed to it which I suppose I did. Unfortunately because he was always going to move his mum in and inherit his share which he would plug into the house, I did not state my financial input - big mistake I know.
I have tried and tried to say that I don't want his mother to move in and if she does, our relationship won't last. All he says is, it will be ok. His mother is a do-er. She likes to fuss around people and do things for others. Which is lovely and something I don't knock. But this is not the message I want to give my son. Already he sees that mums and dads have different parenting roles. It's not very modern and not how I would like my son to turn out.
I am in England. I think perhaps going to see another solicitor is a way forward.
How old is his mother? If/when she needed care would that fall to you? Do you want more children?
Almost 80. Husband has a sister who lives half an hour away. But yes, I imagine it would fall to me if she needed care. She even said a while ago that when she moves in, I could apply for carer's allowance! .
I'm late 40s so while I would have liked more children, it didn't happen.
You need to get legal advice and do think ahead about ending up caring for his mother. You might have to accept everything going into the pot in a divorce, but it'd be worth it in getting out of a situation that sounds like it can only get worse.
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