Long term lurker, occasional poster. Lurked so long I should know the answers, but when it's your situation it's not as easy to see wood from trees. This may be long....
Backstory: married in early 20's, now together for 28 years and late 40's. DS16 and DD13. One year into marriage (I was then 22) I had a ONS, and got found out. Far from proud of this, no excuses, but boy 24 years on I am still paying the price.
At the time, we agreed to move on from it, it was a one off, we moved house, then eventually to this 'dream' house and had the DC.
Last 3 years have been awful. FIL died, aged MIL became a demanding nightmare, my dad got diagnosed with MS, my career flew spectacularly, H's business was tough (self employed), DD had a traumatic change to secondary school with bullying...it goes on.
This year has been the worse. I got diagnosed with CIN2 (pre-cervical cancer) and HPV. MIL gradually got worse with dementia (she's 89) and is now in a home; the financial stuff has been a nightmare, DS got accused of serious sexual assault at school by a girl who turned out to have lied, but not before police intervention, interview under caution etc. And my stash of nice underwear and a few sex toys got discovered by H.
I'll explain: I suffer from low self confidence and low self esteem. I am in a senior level job which I love, and do well at. But my own underlying confidence in me is shot. Going out the house with a 'too short' dress, 'what are you doing wearing that', 'aren't those heels a bit high', 'your hair looks awful that colour'...so I have a small stash of nice underwear (including stockings and suspenders) which i occasionally wore becasue it made me feel good. And a handful of sex toys for my own use as I can't bear H touching me. I don't want sex. It's now been about 8 months.
He has now put 2 and 2 together and got about 9. Assumes the stuff is for use with someone else, assumes i 'got HPV' as I must be sleeping around, assumes because I am away a lot with work I must be up to something. I made one mistake 24 years ago and am still being persecuted. Almost daily this year; prior to that was occasionally when he got pissed.
Which brings me onto his drinking. He goes out to the pub every night, usually about 9, earlier on a saturday. He comes to bed about 12-1am, and probably 4-5 times a week shakes me awake to have a go about something. Accuses me of cheating now (last night it was because i have 2 phones - i have a work one and a personal one, as we are not allowed to use the work one for own use. Apparently it's my cheat phone). At least twice a week he mentions my ONS. It's been far worse since he found the underwear and toys, but was happening prior too regularly. He goes for a drink because I don't talk to him and he won't sit in silence (his words).
DD is badly affected by the arguing. She gets really upset. I just won't be spoken to like he speaks to me, and won't be accused of things I am not doing!
The sleep deprivation is crippling. Being woken 2 hours into a deep sleep then listening to him often ranting is debilitating.
I have told him it's over and I want to leave. I then get the tears and then the suicide threats and then the blackmail (he'll tell my mum and dad all about me and how nasty I am).
Financially I can do it. I earn £70k pa and can afford to rent (this once dream house is now bad memories). His income though is unstable and he says he won't cope and anyway 'we are a family and must stick together'. It's breaking me. Totally breaking me. I can't cope. I hate coming home from work as I dread walking in the door.
He's out now, since 3pm, with a mate in a city half an hour away, so I am already dreading tonight.
Sorry....that's long already, there's so much I could say. Got to go and pick both DCs up now, luckily from the same town, so may not be able to reply for a short while.
Please ask any questions. Help me grow that proverbial pair and leave!
thanks
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I can't take any more....need help to grow a pair please!
Freefalling123 · 14/10/2017 19:44
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.