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Relationships

He has lied

95 replies

Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 08:24

Hi all,

I have been with my partner 3yrs. We live together. He a few years older than me and not really had much experience in ways of relationships. Never been married, no children and only one long term relationship. It has been a rocky Road in places and we have really taken our time as I have a son.

This time last year we were looking at moving. In a nutshell he had a nervous breakdown, fell in to deep depression and It was deeply damaging to us.

This came about as the thought of buying a home (due to past experiences) has given him this deep seated anxiety (always had issues with anxiety). We got ourselves back on track after counselling and given him the time he asked for. I ha e done everything he asked with no pressure etc

I have been patient and we have spoken about the future and we are on the same page except we cannot move forward because of this whole house thing.(renting is not an option)

Well it came about that a lovely house come up for sale. We viewed it, he put in an offer, discussed offers that others had put in, tang the estate agents every day and he updated me. I told him how proud I was of him.
Well this house fell through and the offer was too high. We found another house. We both love it and he called the estate agent and we viewed it. We discussed offers again and he called up and put one in and booked another viewing. We chatted about it, what did the agent say etc. How high should we go etc. At the second viewing yesterday he got in the car looking like death.

It transpires all of the above was a lie, every call (except viewings) was a lie. He lied to my face about phone calls, offers, counter offers etc. He wanted to buy some time as it causes him such anxiety.

I’m devastated, not slept all night. We talked about it. He knows what he has done is terribly wrong and I don’t deserve it at-all but he finds it hard. He doesn’t want to see me upset. He loves us all and besides this we have had a wonderful relationship. Have the best time together.

He wants the life we have talked about but the anxiety just snowballs.

I have asked him outright. Is it us that is the problem? Commitment etc. He has answered No. I do believe that as the truth.

I have never given him an ultimatum but last night I said it’s either us, we do the house thing or he leaves. He is not putting my son and I through this again.

I’m in turmoil. He hasn’t cheated I trust completely. This deception has utterly destroyed me it feels like I have been cheated on.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

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L0quacious · 14/10/2017 08:36

I did not see that coming.

I was about to say buying a house is very stressful.

I think he is playing a part. Playing it well too.

Very scary. And not real. If you left, 3/4s of your 'loss' might not even be real.

I dont think constructing a web of lies helps with anxiety either.....

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JWrecks · 14/10/2017 08:48

I did not see that coming.

Same!! Wow, this is a tough one!

My initial reaction is "you just can't trust him" if he's making up such elaborate lies, especially when the truth is so much easier and you could have done this yourself and not lost all these opportunities!

But then... he's clearly got problems he needs help to work through. It's not your responsibility to help him, though. He needs a professional, as this is pretty damn serious anxiety.

But it's also not your responsibility to support him through getting help if you don't want to. You are not beholden to him just because he has problems. This goes doubly if he refuses to get help.

I know that sounds cold and heartless, and maybe it is, but you are under no obligation to endanger yourself, throw away opportunities, put up with being lied to, go through the stress of wondering and second guessing, live with a man you don't/shouldn't trust.

Personally, if it were me, I don't think I could trust him, and I couldn't stay with a man I didn't trust.

That's a lot of waffling, I know. Sorry it's not more! I hope it's at least somewhat helpful, though!

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category12 · 14/10/2017 08:52

If he can lie like that, then how can you trust him in anything?

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bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 08:52

It's time for you to put this fantasy relationship to bed, for your own good.

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category12 · 14/10/2017 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainyApril · 14/10/2017 08:57

He doesn't want to live with you, and is capable of convincingly lying to you over a prolonged period. You'd have to be mad to risk even one more year of that shit.

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ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2017 08:57

He's never going to buy a house with you.

You have already once out your life in hold for a full year dancing to his anxietys tune. Can you do it again?

You have given him an ultimatum but he is incapable of leaving. The only thing he is capable of is placating you (with lies if necessary) to keep the status quo.

So I can't imagine he's going to be doing much deciding. You are clearly the one who's going to have to decide.

If I were you, I'd be gone. Lying directly to my face? Repeatedly? Nope.

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cottonwool125 · 14/10/2017 08:57

OP, I can completely sympathise with him, as anxiety is an awful, crippling thing to suffer with. But at the same time, it’s never really an excuse to create a lie as he did. I would definitely be thinking long and hard about whether I could commit to buying a home with someone who could be so dishonest at times.

That said, it sounds very hard for you both and you both have my sympathies Flowers

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NewDaddie · 14/10/2017 08:59

I would leave. It's a sad situation but I would have to put my child first. He may be the nicest person in the world but that type of behaviour makes him a risk

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Penfold007 · 14/10/2017 09:01

Have I got this right,? You currently live in a house you own with your DS and your DP but you would like to move and buy a joint property?
I'm not sure I'd want to put my DC and my self through this. He doesn't want to buy a house with you.

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Appuskidu · 14/10/2017 09:02

How much of it was a lie? Presumably you viewed and liked two houses?

Why is buying a house so problematic for him due to past experiences? What has happened?

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Badhairday1001 · 14/10/2017 09:11

What exactly are his anxieties? Is he living with you st the moment in your house? If so, it sounds like he is happy to live in your house but doesn't want the commitment of owning a house together. He sounds immature and very dishonest.

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AlternativeTentacle · 14/10/2017 09:13

This isn't the relationship you are looking for.

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LesisMiserable · 14/10/2017 09:18

This isnt complicated. He doesn't want to live with you and doesn't want to tell you the real reason why which suggests its something immoveable. Such as he doesn't want to be a live in step dad to your son or he is comfortable living in separate houses (nothing wrong with that).

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Snog · 14/10/2017 09:22

Anxiety and deception are separate things, he should be talking to you about his anxiety. If he isn’t then it’s not the anxiety that’s the problem.

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perrypausal · 14/10/2017 09:25

I am sorry I knew exactly what happened here. My marriage ended in divorce because my exh was exactly like this. We almost had our house repossessed because his anxiety was so bad he couldn’t ring the mortgage company to discuss a payment schedule for the house when he was off sick with the anxiety. Nor would he let me do it. I know now that’s because he was lying saying it was all under control. His problem was he was lying to himself and that followed through to lying to me.

He accepts no responsibility for things and blames his anxiety on everything.

Speak from one who’s been there. Get out now while u still can. I am now credit black losted because of him. I hate him now.

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NotMyMonkees · 14/10/2017 09:27

Don't buy a house, or make any other commitments to this man. Imagine down the line if you did combine finances, it's all too easy to see him hiding debt, job losses and who knows what else from you. You can never be secure with someone who lies, and you and your son deserve more than that.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 14/10/2017 09:31

If he finds it stressful dealing with Estate Agents, why don't you do it? Then you'll know everything is progressing. Just leave him out of the equation.

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IamImportantToo · 14/10/2017 09:40

Whatever his reasons for lying, he is a deeply disturbed man. It sounds like so much bloody work to keep him stable.

If the house thing is resolved I would put money on the problems transferring to another issue. Why are you so obsessed by buying with him? Are you unable to buy in your own?

I would not tie myself to this man in any way. Financially. Legally. Marriage. Kids.

Your son needs the time and energy that this man demands. At this point it shouldn’t be so hard. Leave him. You will be doing him a favour. Maybe it will be the impetus he needs to change.

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ArchchancellorsHat · 14/10/2017 09:49

What if he bottles it once he's made a financial commitment? Like pp mentioned about sorting out a payment plan. Could you afford the new place on your own, or would you be happy not moving and keeping the status quo? I don't think I'd want to tie myself to such an unreliable man, no matter how that unreliability comes about.

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FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2017 09:52

No.

You need to end this. You have ONE person who needs to be the priority here and it is very much not him. It is your son.

If this is what this person is capable of, then all his issues aside, the fact is that he is capable of MASSIVE deception - right to your face. That isn't anxiety. A person who was not a liar who also had anxiety would have dealt with it very differently. Perhaps by going AWOL. Perhaps by 'dumping' you on a pretext. Perhaps by getting ill.

But this person span an incredibly complex set of absolute lies, lying and lying again to your face, involving other people to a very risky extent (what the hell would have happened if you'd decided to ring the agent and query something on a whim?).

An honest person would not do this.

He may have anxiety but he is ALSO a shockingly dishonest person.

You have a child, responsibilities and you want to work towards security, happiness. You would be a fool to continue trying to get this with him now he's shown you what he is like.

I particularly dislike the whining, responsibility-avoiding language that always comes into play with people like this once the lies crumble down.

'He knows what he has done is terribly wrong' - but he chose, CHOSE to do it, and carried on with it. So what happened there then? Basically he shat on you, and chose to, because he knew it was wrong.

'I don’t deserve it at all' - no shit. The bigging you up after proving quite clearly that he is prepared to treat you badly. Don't deserve it? Don't do it then!

'He doesn’t want to see me upset' - But he chose to upset you. CHOSE.

'He loves us all' - but not enough to lie to you catastrophically, so what's the point in bleating about love? Love is doing, not acting the opposite and then whining 'but I looove you'

'besides this we have had a wonderful relationship. Have the best time together.' - except when you ask him to be a reasonable, honest person?

His anxiety did not MAKE him do this. His dishonesty did. Don't excuse this. I can't stress enough how extreme this is- that's an incredible level of deception. Think back to all the conversations between you discussing the house, offers, financial stuff - detailed discussions, him looking you in the eye - and it was all lies. All lies. Thst's incredible. You would be a fool to stay with him.

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Ellisandra · 14/10/2017 09:55

So you have a boyfriend with pretty bloody extreme anxiety around house purchasing.

And yet you left him to be the one to make the offers and deal with all estate agent communication.

I don't think he's for you because I generally think that when relationships are "rocky" from so early, they're not worth it.

But I think it was pretty unsupportive and heartless of you to leave all the stressful bits of house buying to someone who had previously had a breakdown over it, whilst you just did the nice bit of swanning in for viewings!

He shouldn't have lied, and you should have been more supportive.

I think you should both take that as a learning into future relationships.

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Theresahairbrushinthefridge · 14/10/2017 09:58

I lived with someone for two years who created an entire fantasy life.

Get. Out. Now.

Whatever the reasons behind his behaviour. Complicated as they may be. Trust is just that trust.

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Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 10:07

Ellisandra- he wanted to do it. I offered to do it, I said I would do it all so it would ease his anxiety. But it flatly refused.

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Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 10:14

Thank you all for your replies. I really am in a quandary about what to do. We both live in a rented shithole at the moment. We both hate living there.

He wants two days to think about the house. I have already given him what feels like my pound of flesh.

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