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I don't want to see DP tonight....I am a horrid person

(53 Posts)
coldlocation Fri 13-Oct-17 17:15:59

Sick of DP's job. Leaves DP tired, stressed ill but DP gets a buzz out of it and is well paid. I apparently cannot understand how much it takes out of DP etc (despite being with ex in same field, but different role, for >15 years). DP has struggled to get thru this week, nearly bailed on a social plan on Tues as was feeling run down but then came anyway (we left early as DP was tired) and has been to bed by 9 every other night this week. Plans we had for tonight have been abandoned as DP texted to cancel this a.m and said "I'd happily just crawl into a hole and die after the week I've had" and told me about feeling ill and shattered... We don't live together and DP is wanting me to go round this eve.... I'm dreading it, DP will have hit the bottle as soon as getting in and will once again get drunk and stressed (ranty, poss teary/emotional) about work, will repeat how shattering it is but refuse to go up to bed unless I go too.... I'm being a selfish cow but I don't want to go to bed at 9 or 10pm on a Friday night or another heavy night of hearing the job woes (the discussions have been circular for 2 years) and will stay up on my account. If I say "I'll stay home, you rest" or even suggest I go up to bed later or go home after a bit there'll be and upset about feeling abandoned at a low ebb. I'll be there wishing I was in own house enjoying peace while my DCs are at the exes for the weekend (he only has them eow so quiet house a rare luxury) . Offered support in terms of helping to get on top of chores DP says slipped because of work stress this week, pick up a, shop and/or make and take food but all those offers been refused. I feel bad for being selfish and unempathetic and just wanting a night in solo. Am I being a complete cow, I just find DP so gloomy after a week at work and I'm not a big the drunkenness I find hard to deal with too.. .. How do I even raise this stuff?

ShitOrBust Fri 13-Oct-17 17:22:25

I wouldn't bother raising any of it with him. I would simply break up with him. Tonight. By text. And then block him. Hard work men like that don't deserve any time. Leave him to his misery.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Fri 13-Oct-17 17:22:54

You sound like his emotional punch bag.

Take a night off for you. Don't feel guilty. He seems quite happy to let you down regularly.

Sounds like he needs another job. Either that or stop moaning about the one he has.

blackteasplease Fri 13-Oct-17 17:25:59

Don't go. Quite possibly break it off with him (unless you think an honesty talk another day when he's sober might help).

Is he a criminal barrister by any chance? Horrible, stressful unrewarding job that people get addicted to.

DancingLedge Fri 13-Oct-17 17:29:07


Nicely, as in , "you need the rest, I'll give you some space to recuperate".
Or less nicely, but more clearly " that's not my idea of fun on a Friday night, why would I want to have a hard time with you? I simply don't want to go to bed that early. Call me tomorrow if you're actually recovered and up for spending some time with me".

coldlocation Fri 13-Oct-17 17:33:40

No not a criminal barrister.... But I very nearly trained as one! Picked a duller area of law instead...

When not drunk and job stressed DP is lovely but the relationship is bit onesided (DP being a bit Rose tinted spectacles as I'm apparently the best partner ever etc.... Me being the one seeing some flaws) and DP thinks having someone to share their woes wth is all part of a partnership....

... Now getting texts to say he's made my fave for supper, picked up nice wine, can't wait to see me, looking forwards to a lovely eve etc etc

blackteasplease Fri 13-Oct-17 17:35:58

A barrister though? So I was nearly right grin

Advice still stands about not going round tonight - what on earth is in it for you? He needs to realise he needs to make an efdort with you not just unload shit.

If he can't manage to make that effort he should change jobs but no one can make that decision for him. Maybe getting dumped will.

blackteasplease Fri 13-Oct-17 17:36:24

Oh, sorry I see it's you who's a lawyer. Ignore me.

coldlocation Fri 13-Oct-17 17:37:01

Thanks for replying....I know deep.down I guess that I do need to say no and stop being a people pleaser.... Or poss ltb.... Sigh.

coldlocation Fri 13-Oct-17 17:37:48

Happily an ex lawyer now!

ShitOrBust Fri 13-Oct-17 17:39:15

You know that his bad behaviour will never, ever stop. Do you honestly want to end up with a man like that?
you're not that desperate for a man, are you?

blackteasplease Fri 13-Oct-17 17:39:20

Ah so you had the guts to leave a job that wasn't right for You? And he doesnt. How attractive of him.

You sound nice OP and I'm sure you are a supportive partner. But it shouldn't spill over into making your life difficult!

Mum4Fergus Fri 13-Oct-17 17:42:22

Tell him you’re having a night at home clearly both need a bit of down time, albeit for different reasons. Have a serious think about whether or not this is the life and future you want flowers

Teddy7878 Fri 13-Oct-17 17:42:52

Will you have the house to yourself tomorrow too? Or just tonight?
It's a bit awkward not to go now as he's cooked for you etc. Maybe you could compromise and just not stay long? Tell him you have a pounding headache or something and want to go home to your own bed to get a good nights sleep.
Probably not a very health sign in a relationship if you dread spending a fri night with your partner and would rather be alone. Everyone needs a bit of time alone but you don't even live together so it should be an exciting treat to spend a night together

C0untDucku1a Fri 13-Oct-17 17:44:38

I read up to the hit the bottle again sentence and thought just dump

Slaylormoon Fri 13-Oct-17 17:45:21

OP your thoughts and feelings are just as important as your partners! It sounds like you're used to compromising on what you'd prefer to do in order to keep the peace or keep him happy, but why should you be the one who always gives in?
There's got to be a bit of give and take in these things and in this case I would say why not say you've been looking forward to a bit of you time, which I'm sure as a parent you probably are!
I remember how much my own mum used to (not in a mean way) enjoy it when we were at our dad's for the night so she could have an uninterrupted bath and not have to share her chocolate!
Nobody can begrudge you that, and if they do then they don't have your best interests in mind. smile

coldlocation Fri 13-Oct-17 17:59:06

Thanks again. Some serious thinking for me to do.

I am kid free til sunday.... I have declined lunch with DP's family on Sunday as an opportunity came up for one of my dc to take part in an amazing sports thing and as it clashes with one of the other dc having to be elsewhere I agreed with exH that I would take the dc to the sports thing even though it's not 'my' weekend. Expect DP bit peed off about that as I only got the sports place confirmed yesterday - but did warn it was a poss earlier in week - so it's been short notice and am I'm not prioritising DP.

Notreallyarsed Fri 13-Oct-17 18:03:49

He sounds needy, selfish, demanding, exhausting and nowhere in your OP do you mention anything that means he’s considered your wants/needs/feelings. That’s not a partnership, or a relationship, it’s him doing as he pleases and demanding that you fall in line with what he wants. Fuck that.

Slaylormoon Fri 13-Oct-17 18:08:58

As a grown man he should expect that your children will come first, yes it's a bit annoying to have to cancel dinner plans but it's only dinner, not a mini break to France iyswim?
I'm sure your dc will cherish the opportunity to take part in the event and if your dp is annoyed that you won't be able to make it, does that mean he expected you/ wanted you to let your child down in favour of pleasing his parents/ him?

RandomMess Fri 13-Oct-17 18:09:28

Go for dinner and catch up the come home as you don't need an early night and he does?

NetflixandBill Fri 13-Oct-17 18:19:51

Agree, go for the food then leave. If (when) he starts on about work let him get it off his chest for, say 15 mins then tell him that you need to talk about something nicer. Tell him you understand he's had a shit week and letting it cloud his personal time too is only making it worse.

If he can't cope with that when he's saying he's looking forward to a lovely evening with you then I'd be pointing this out. It's got to be lovely for both of you.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 13-Oct-17 18:24:23

He sounds like a martyr, and you may well find your going to end up being the same op, honestly what a joy sucking existence. 😔💐

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 13-Oct-17 18:24:41

Why not message back and say oh dear you should have checked before you went to all that trouble, when you cancelled saying you wanted to crawl into a hole, I made other arrangements for tonight. Hope you get some rest x"

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 13-Oct-17 18:25:55

Seriously make other arrangements rapidly with friends or something then tell him.

Have you already responded?

WhatsWineGotToDoWithIt Fri 13-Oct-17 18:33:19

Any man who resents time with your dc, even if it’s not your “time” to have your dc, is worth binning. I had an ex who resented my time being taken up with dc and resented them taking my attention away from him. Dc always comes first, even if it’s last minute/unexpected/taking time away from a partner.

If he isn’t happy or makes a fuss about your time with dc on a weekend you aren’t “supposed “ to have them due to unforeseen circumstances- dump his ass.

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