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I resent him(27 Posts)
Dh and I have been married for over 14 years. Three dc 9,6 and 4.5. The youngest two have autism and ADHD. The youngest hugely affected (can't speak, struggles to walk, lots of ritualistic behaviour). I stopped working when our middle dc was 1 as I knew they wouldn't cope in childcare. My dh would not have made a good sahp. I thought our 2nd dc was a one off and never expected that a third might have autism to. Here's the issue. My dh works and I do the home stuff and school stuff. All fine. He goes out 3-4 times a week and I'm left putting the kids to bed alone. The resentment has come as I feel I'm the one covering the kids Sen. Youngest has hypermobility and I'm the one looking at therapy. I feel like I have the weight of the mental load of their disabilities. I suspect my middle dc might also have dyslexia but again dh doesn't remotely look into this. It's left to me. Also two of the dc have an autoimmune disease. I feel like he parents them as if they no disabilities. He doesn't seem to want to be involved in therapies or what we need to do. He'll listen when I talk about it but doesn't get involved. I get he's at work until six most days but I'm struggling with meeting the needs of my youngest (is only in school an hour a day but that's another story). When I've tried to explain how I feel he gets all defensive and about how he's at work all week. I don't expect him to take it all over but to have some involvement. Is that fair?
Oh I could have written this..! I hear you loud and clear sadly, my husband went one step further and took a job in another country a year ago and here I am looking our two children alone. Org diagnosed with autism and one also with severe hyper mobility issues and possible dyspraxia. My H whilst he acknowledges their conditions glazes over as if it's not an issue! I totally get what your saying as the endless forms, meetings, the constant routines, rituals and just bloody everything is hard work!! I don't have the answers I'm afraid - personally I feel utter resentment at the moment! So at worst at least your not the only one xx
Make arrangements and go out yourself for a few evenings. He's in denial or a selfish pig but stop tolerating this. He's at work all week...err, yes, what does he think you are doing?
Evenings and weekends are shared parenting and household stuff. You are not on duty 24/7 any more than he is.
I don't know how you force him to get involved with gp the SEN. I think it's a common problem and posting on the SEN boards might bring up some suggestions. It's very Indians YANBU to resent him.
Different perspective here but hopefully I can give you some insight.
I'm diagnosed as AS, as is my younger brother, (two older unaffected siblings) and we were brought up for the most part by our mum as we have different fathers who were never really involved to that extent.
I can tell you OP just how difficult my own mother found it looking after the SEN side of things by herself, with other children to consider, and how it was really obvious to us that she was struggling from it at times, balancing the therapies and meetings and all that other stuff.
Your husband is being unreasonable in leaving it all to you, as I've seen how that can wear someone down week after week, and I imagine if he could be more involved it would take a load of your shoulders. As your children age there is the worry that they will notice and could misconstrue that they are the cause of your unhappiness, rather than your husband's lack of support
You say he parents them as if they aren't disabled, something that can be incredibly difficult for ADHD/AS children to deal with, although you haven't given examples I assume you mean it's not always at the forefront of his mind when he interacts with them? Our oldest sister struggled immensely with the diagnosis of my brother and would often cause him to have meltdowns and tantrums because she refused to accommodate towards his needs.
He is just as responsible as you are for your children, all the time. Even if his primary role is to go to work, and you are the sahp, you both have the same duties to your vulnerable children and imo I can't see how just because he has a job, he can't help you in the evenings or be involved.
@justme93 you have my total sympathy. I'm exhausted a lot of the time. And we've had a barney because he wants to go the gym having already been out three nights this week including two straight from work leaving me with the kids. He thinks he's being reasonable whereas I don't feel he is. It seems to result in an arguement and he just can't seem to get how difficult it is. He just doesn't seem to get the toll the kids have taken on my mental health and I love them to bits. He feels it's acceptable to go out four nights a week as he's entitled to that as down time whereas I don't want to be putting the kids to bed. He just can't see it from my side at all and whereas I know working isn't a bundle of laughs neither is being at home with one of the kids who does an hour at school a day and then spends the rest of the time screaming, slamming doors and crying. Even the school run results in crying and screaming.
Oh I totally get it, at one point my anxiety was in a knife edge by the weekend all I wanted was someone to take over and help out. Interestingly now he's working away I'm actually coping better 😆 if he wants all these nights out maybe you can come to some sort of compromise.. on the nights he's home he does the lions share at bed time and you either get out or do something alone to give yourself some space. I'm not saying it's fair of him expecting to skip off to the gym - I think it's more likely he's escaping .. but if you meet him halfway on this might it work?
I don't get how he can possibly think it is ok to go out so often!
Your day sounds far more hard work than his.
Can you get a friend or family member to join in your discussion? Someone he might listen to? Although of course it is awful that he won't listen to you.
How does he justify this? I can't understand it. Do you ever go out and leave him to it? Because I really think you should. Three or four nights a week.
OP if you were to get him a book would he read it? Perhaps if he understood how their disabilities effect them he would be better at handling things? The reason I jump is a book by a 13 year old autistic Japanese boy who struggles to speak & it's really eye opening. Another book I read was kids beyond limits, really helped teaching my ds how to copy language, which led to learning how to use functional language with the help of ABA. I've recommended the book to other parents who've had the same success with it
He can't really believe it's ok that he goes out on his own 3 times a week and you, I assume, don't go out alone at all.
I would start with that. Getting some time on your own. Even if he needs another minder to help with the DCs. He needs to have to care for them without you there to see how hard it in the hope that he mucks in more.
He's out tonight, tomorrow from nine and I've no doubt he'll want to do an evening gym session along with his first thing on a Saturday gym session. I've told him carrying the mental weight of responsibility for the kids disabilities is crippling me. I think he half gets it but half doesn't. He use to play a lot of sport before we had kids but like I said to him that's life. I gave up my job, and a lot of the things I loved because time doesn't permit them anymore. Sadly I think he's quite selfish.
I think you need to explain very clearly to him that you are beginning to resent him as he is not pulling his weight or supporting you - and that resentment will kill your love for him.
I suspect he does understand he’s not contributing, but is being selfish.
Good post from Slay
(I'm tempted to say leave the house the minute he gets home to give him some idea what it's like but that's maybe not good advice)
I too have a 20 year old with severe autism and now mental health. I really resented my husband at the time because his life continued as normal whilst mine became hospital visits,therapy and battling to get specialist education . We ended up divorcing as our worlds became poles apart
Must say I have remarried and so has he....nothing’s changed really he doesn’t bother much however my son is very lucky to have a fabulous step mum who just oozes calm and kindness ....so even though he’s a Pratt I’ve sort of gained through her if that makes sense
Still miffed me off when they’re off on their 2nd foreign holiday to celebrate their wedding anniversary ...however I think I’ve accepted he will never be the parent I hoped for especially when the going got tough
He's living like a man with no responsibilities.
going out all week and pleasing himself how nice
I don't think you should accept this for a day longer
Tell him what's going to change and follow through
They are his kids too
Tell him if he doesn't change he can always have full weekend access to the kids whilst you get a break. Y'know a BREAK that thing that he gets every DAY whilst he's out at the gym or the pub or work!
Put your foot down today.
OP, My STBX was head in the sand about our DS. Still is but dumped me out of the blue one afternoon. I don't think he could stand our home life anymore? I don't know...what I would suggest you do is carve out some you time. Relinquish the mental load and pile some more responsibility on your DP. Book tickets to the cinema, theatre, a meal out with your girlfriends. Honestly, because I've been where you are, these men can't handle it, don't want to handle it so just concentrate on what you can do for yourself to protect your mental health and well being. 💐
The only way to go is to agree that you both need down time and acknowledge that he needs his and that you need it too. If he wants 3 nights, you should have three nights too. Even be magnanimous and say you will settle for 2 to start with. Wish him well on his night out and be lovely about it and then get out of the house for yours even if you have to walk around in the rain. He will be forced to understand and appreciate what you do and what your children need.
What I was trying to say was, you cannot change your DP, you can only change you.
He needs to see that you need downtime too and so if he gets three nights out a week, then so do you. Go swimming!
Also, tell him to get his shut together and be more involved in the decision making over your kids' Sen. They're his kids too
There is more to being a family than financially providing and it took a long long time for my DH to get that. We went to counselling where he tried to play the victim card (nothing I do is right blah blah blah), and in the end, the only thing that worked for me was making him leave. He didn't quite understand at the time, thought I was angry and I'd calm down but I was equally determined that if I had to, I'd do it without him as he was no bloody help anyway. In between all of this, our DD with ADHD was excluded from and moved school that involved endless meetings and phone calls, and eventually had to come out of the mainstream schooling system altogether. And I dealt with it better alone. It took all the pressure off knowing that there wasn't someone choosing not to be involved, if that makes sense. Once he saw that I could do it, and would do it, it slowly kicked in that he'd lost his family with his selfish behaviour and he eventually started to step up to the plate. It took nearly a year but he came back home and has only needed the odd reminder since that I need support too and am not Superwoman although I try my bloody best.
OP this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you. And so selfish of your H.
I wonder if it's fear of lone responsibility and he's worried he won't cope and therefore makes all these plans away. No excuse though. He needs to be more involved, prove to himself (and you and the kids) that he can do it. You'll all be closer as a benefit I'm sure.
Definitely agree with other posters, let him alone with them and you go out. He has no one to defer to then, can work out his own strategies for the kids and you get the break you need.
I am going suggest going out as soon as he comes in. So you schedule in 2 evenings for yourself and one morning (get you hair blow dried or whatever)
I personally feel men are self centred. I am married to a good man but all he thinks about is himself before anything else.
He's definitely very selfish but cannot see that he is. He does say about me going out but by the end of the day I'm so tired and worn out I can't face going anywhere and just want some piece and quiet.
I had a chat with him the other night that it wasn't that I resented him doing things it's that I resented him swanning about whilst I coped with all the worry of the kids and the therapies as he doesn't get involved at all. Considering he has a decent high up job in finance his comment of "education being bollocks" I found highly unhelpful.
If I took the night out he did we wouldn't see each other but maybe he's not that bothered. It's like he expects to live like we don't have kids. I'd like him to do a month in my shoes and see how he likes it.
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