Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Sexless Relationship(25 Posts)
Hello all, I'm a 27 year old woman, living with my wonderful, lovely fiancé. We're together 6 years. No children yet. (I read Mumsnet out of professional interest.)
We have fun, support each other, have shared and separate interests and I love him.
Because of a combination of medical issues on my fiancé's part, we don't have sex. In the beginning, we made up for it in other ways. He has no interest in this these days. We have maybe had "traditional" intercourse ten times.
He won't see a doctor. He says he will, but never actually does. We're both doctors. I understand he's apprehensive about seeing someone he might later knock across professionally.
I adore him. We've been together through thick and thin. We're not simply platonic friends, or roommates. We're close, cuddly and generally happy.
Any insights would be genuinely appreciated.
I agree. It’s possible that once it’s over between you, he’ll get help. It’s possible he won’t. But he can’t be bothered to do it now.
If a man in his 20s has ED and refuses to treat it, that bodes very poorly for the woman in his life as sex usually drops after we have children and as we age.
Realistically, any man who doesn’t care about how you feel isn’t worth keeping.
What are the medical issues OP? You imply later in your post that this is something that could be corrected. If it is and he refuses to get help then I would be concerned about the future of the relationship personally as I couldn't settle in a sexless relationship long term - it sounds like this is important to you too? Are you thinking about children in your future?
What about him seeing somebody privately in a different part of the country to the one you're likely to work in?
If you want a healthy sex life, and I hope you do, this relationship will never work, no matter how nice he is. I am 44, married with 2 children, and I treasure my sexual health. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life and I can't imagine living without it. Consensual, pleasurable sex is one of the greatest gifts human life can experience, and to live without it can be absolutely soul crushing. You have a lot of thinking to do, and you need to look after your own best interests.
I have to add, the fact that he refuses to seek medical help for an issue that impacts your life to a HUGE degree should be an enormous red flag. If he truly loves you and wants the best for you, he would be happy to want to rectify this issue. His refusal smacks of selfishness.
In the beginning, we made up for it in other ways. He has no interest in this these days.
Seems that not only is he choosing to ignore your needs repeatedly by refusing to address the ED - he has also gone a stage further and detached from you at this level.
How will you ever have children?
" No children yet...... "
And no likelihood of any in the future, either......
You are both doctors but you can't talk about it and reach a solution !?
I am 44, married with 2 children, and I treasure my sexual health. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life and I can't imagine living without it.
My DH and I are in our 50s and still going strong. Sex with someone you love who loves you and who you have so many shared experiences and history with is very intimate. I think it would be bleak to go through life without that. It really helps get over the rough bits of raising children and running a home and all that.
It's one thing for him to be unable to have penetrative sex because of a possibly curable condition, but then to give up finding other ways to give you what he can't, or to find ways to please you, that's selfish and complacent.
I'm sure plenty of relationships survive without any form of sex. But for me it's like glue and it's one of the major ways in which I distinguish my relationship with DP from other relationships. I love my friends, I roll around on the floor and play fight my 12 yr old, I hug my 16 yr old son, my friend's cry on my shoulder, my best female friends and I share our feelings and tell each other quite personal stuff,.......but I don't have sex with them. That is something I only do with DP. I haven't reduced him to that function, but my relationship with him is different because we have that intimacy.
If you don't have that with your DP, then you are little more than friends. And before you say but we fancy each other, no, he doesn't, because giving up any alternative way of meeting your sexual needs points to a lack of desire not just a medical issue.
If you were content with not having sex, then this wouldn’t be an issue. It boils down to, are you prepared to sacrifice your sexual needs on the alter of your partner’s ego. As much as you love him now and as much as you’ve lived with this issue in the past, it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be able or willing to live with it in the future.
For all his good points, his behaviour demonstrates that avoiding embarrassment is his priority and not your emotional wellbeing. Sexual incompatibility will eventually corrode the strongest of relationships.
The balls always in the court of the party who isn’t happy with the status quo. If his needs come at the expense of yours, then either your mismatched on a fundamental level or he’s just selfish. If it’s an issue now it will be a bigger issue in the future if left unresolved. Don’t marry him.
I agree with those who say this is a path to misery, low self esteem. I am 50, sex is hugely important and just gets better. I couldnt live without it.
If you are both doctors I assume that he needs a referral to a specialist rather than simply popping online and buying viagra from Lloyds Pharmacy or one of the other legitimate online pharmacies.
Thanks for the replies. It's not simple erectile dysfunction, but that does come into it. Would require some level of surgical input.
He does display interest in my breasts, but I fear it ends there.
I've asked him about this. He seems to live in a magical future whereby conception is not an issue.
That said, he is able to... produce a specimen and that would be the most likely scenario. We have also considered adoption as a plan A, because giving a child in need a loving home is something we feel strongly about.
We live together, he's my best friend, he's kind and fun. It would be an isolated issue if it didn't affect everything.
@LittleWitch I don't think so. I have asked him.
Bearing in mind there are endocrine, urological and undoubtedly psychological factors at play, I could be wrong but I don't think so.
Not a major porn user.
Many features of ASD but not entirely (nor a complete explanation).
I'd be genuinely surprised if he had any kind of affair given how long it took him to realise I was interested.
None of these things are definite, but I'm as sure as I can be.
Same kind of problem here. We do love each other a lot and have fun together. I feel very well cared for in all other ways of life. That is our glue. I am more than ten years older than you and we both had terrible relationships before ours so sex isn't the top of our priority list in a partner. I do miss it but I'd never leave him because of it. We are doing iui to conceive but that is more due to pcos on my part. We tried the turkey baster method before .
I'm afraid you will get a predictable chorus, on this thread, of how 'unfair' it is, wah wah, that women are supported when they talk about their male partners pestering for sex or insisting on it against their wishes, but women with sex-refusing partners are given sympathy, but you are not 'pestering' your partner, you have clearly tried to be understanding and helpful, and the bottom line is that he doesn't care that you're miserable as long as he is content.
He may be asexual, or have a very low libido; he may be gay but determined not to acknowledge it; he may have some sort of madonna/whore issue which means he can't get aroused by a woman he actually likes and respects... or there may be a physical problem.
TBH I would either call a halt to this relationship or have a discussion with him about opening it up. If he's your 'best friend' and 'soulmate' but simply uninterested in sex, then he has no right to object if you have sex with other people. There is the 'risk', if you do that, that you will find one of these other people to be your perfect best friend/soulmate who will also happily have sex with you and dump the original partner, but the risk of you deciding you have had enough of the current relationship is there already.
So where do you see this relationship going OP and how do you feel about living in a sexless relationship for the rest of your life?
Because everything you've written is about him, his diagnosis, his lack of sexual interest, etc. So how do YOU feel. Is a sexless relationship for the rest of your life what YOU want?
Doesn't sound like the problems are just physical inability. Asexuality of some sort? it doesn't sound like just a matter of getting it fixed, he doesn't want it fixed. He has no interest.
If you're fine living without sex, then great. If not then I'd reconsider a romantic relationship with this man
OP have you had a sexual relationship with anyone else before?
It's not just about " living without sex " though. It's about marrying a man who is very selfish and cares nothing for his partner. He can't even be arsed to get medical help. The 'not wanting to see another doctor' is nonsense, most women doctors manage to give birth and cope with the possibility that another doctor will have their hand inside them.
OP don't marry him. Selfish people don't make good partners or parents.
And BTW if he can't cope with the thought of taking his pants down in front of a doctor, he won't get past the first stage of the adoption procedure, which is far more intrusive, difficult and stressful.
Because of a combination of medical issues on my fiancé's part, we don't have sex. In the beginning, we made up for it in other ways. He has no interest in this these days.... We're not simply platonic friends, or roommates.
You are platonic friends. He is your flat mate. At that's all that he will ever, ever be. Because that's all he is comfortable being.
I think you should go talk to a counselor about why on earth you would consider settling for what could only be a shadow of a functional, healthy relationship.
Your updates are just sad. Everything you say makes it all worse. Who cares why he is such a dysfunctional human being? Just get free and be thankful you saw the light of day before creating a test tube baby with him.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.