Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help me decide if my marriage is over(62 Posts)
A bit of a heavy title I know! Name changed because I might want to forget this post in 10 years but I'm a regular (cancel the cheque! We need a diagram etc.)
Background: married 7 years and we have a 5 month old baby. Before the baby we were best friends and almost never argued. Whenever I needed something I would say and he would do his best to make me happy. I have always swore to myself that I would never stay in a relationship that wasn't making me happy(er) because life is too short to attach myself to someone just for the sake of being in a couple, I do just fine on my own.
Then I had a baby. I'm currently staying at my mum's because he did something (in my view) unsafe with the baby. I discussed it with him, explained how I felt and asked him not to do it again. He said he wouldn't. He did it again. I went bananas, he said that it was fine and that I'm over reacting. I sent him research and guidelines. Told him that if he does that he can't be trusted with the baby. He said fine. Said he wouldn't. Did it again!
So I took the baby and left. If he puts my child in danger he doesn't get to look after her plain and simple, he woke up and I had taken all of her stuff and mine and moved in with my mum. I sent him a message asking him to leave me alone for a few days because I was too angry to speak to him.
It's now been a week and he is coming over Saturday. He has asked after us a couple of times, says he loves us etc. (Hasn't apologised though!)
Now, if he doesn't apologise abjectly and convince me that he is a safe parent we are done and he can see her with me supervising.
HOWEVER this time apart has made me realise that there are other problems with our relationship.
1) he is a workaholic - 100 hour weeks are not out of the ordinary. One of the reasons we haven't seen him for over a week is that he has been working long hours every day. He is self employed so this is something he is choosing to do, I asked that he takes one day off in every 7 but actually he doesn't do that very often.
2) he does basically no housework. He has been known to wash up bottles when he is home and always takes the bins out (unless he is working!) But that's it. Early in our marriage we divided up the chores because I hate housework and I'm not his mother. He doesn't do his stuff because work.
3) We have no money. He works all these hours and has a high hourly/daily rate so we should have loads of money but we never seem to. He has a business account and then we have a joint account and although our bills are always paid we don't have any savings and there never seems to be spare money. Occasionally I have to ask him to transfer money over which is pretty demeaning.
4) I plan everything. I plan, shop for and cook every meal. If I don't want to cook and we get takeaway I have to decide what takeaway, where to get it and order it myself. I take the baby to the doctors. I speak to the landlord if there's a problem. I buy and organise the baby's clothes. I have to write down what time she eats and when to give her medication otherwise he wouldn't give it. I chose all the furniture. He hasnt bought new clothes since we met, his mum has though. (He is 32 years old and I refuse. Again, not his mother)
5) he nags and sulks if we don't have sex. He gropes me and I have to shove him off. I had a baby, she doesn't sleep. Get off me.
ANYWAY! On reflection I appear to have accidently ended up married to a man child/sex pest who can't even look after a baby properly. And frankly I'm not sure I can be bothered to make the effort to fix all this. I have mentioned these things before and he changes for a bit and then gets lazy.
Should I have a long discussion with him this weekend (that I will have to organise) about everything that needs fixing in our relationship, in memory of the best friend and lover I used to have in my life? Or shall I just give up and see if he manages to grow up and then eventually get divorced and he can see the baby whenever he happens to have a day off? Is it LTB? I really did use to be happy and this is such a fucking cliche!
What did he do that was so terrible? I can't give an opinion on that without knowing what it was.
He works 100hr weeks but you then say he doesnt do anything at home. How can he...he's not at home to do it!! You can't have him at work and earning money (as you have none) but also at home and doing chores.
Having to ask for money. That's rubbish and needs to be sorted.
You say you plan everything etc. Well....yes...why shouldn't you if you are the one at home so you know when stuff needs doing i.e the Landlord. The takeaway thing is annoying and needs to be sorted as he could make a decision!
Sex thing - yuck. He needs to back off!
He can't look after the baby because he isnt there to do it.
Hi thanks for responding. What he did was completely ignore every safe sleep guideline. I didn't want to put it to put it in the post because I know that plenty of people ignore parts of them and that's none of my business and don't want to get into a bunight but FOR ME I'm not willing to allow my bottle fed, premature baby to sleep on her stomach on her smoker father's chest with the duvet up to her neck with 3 layers on in a warrm room when we have a perfectry good co-sleeper cot attached to the bed. I said this very clearly and said it was a deal breaker and it still is.
In regards to money, I'm on maternity leave right now from my job earning £30 000 per year - I do not "send him out to work" I can and do earn my own money. He chooses to work far too much because he loves his job and yet I never seem to see any money, probably because we/I need to make a budget.
All due respect to stay at home mums out there but I just don't think I should have to do everything for the house and baby 24 hours a day just because I'm the woman. This baby was planned and she is just as much his as mine! Since leaving I've actually has less to do because I don't have to deal with his stuff as well.
And plenty of these issues sort themselves out after the hormones and stress of first child have eased...
I get the sleep thing...the rest is marriage and motherhood...
It does change...depends what your vision for the longterm future is for you and your very little one...
I would not even have a child with someone who worked 100 hour weeks. Just why would you?
this man - your best friend has always been this way - you just resent him for not pulling his weight with the baby imo.
My dh used to fall asleep with baby on the sofa - not with quilt - but certainly not a marriage killer
I think you have changed but he hasn't - it's tricky trying to force that - people come as they are
Not that I agree with his actions but gawd be grown up about it
He is disregarding your concerns when he ignores your request about the safe sleeping. It's one thing to sit down and have a conversation and mutually agree. It's another when one person asks another to not do something, the second person says they won't, then they ignore that and continue to do it.
The money part is somewhat strange. If he works such long hours and makes so much money - where is it? I wouldn't be happy that you have no savings and have to ask for money. What money goes into the joint account? Where does that money go?
I wouldn't be happy if I had to organise everything either.
I think some more consideration sex wise would be helpful.
He sounds quite inconsiderate to me, and just does as he wants. If he's changed before then lapsed then I wouldn't be very inclined to try again. You'll be doing that forever and ever. Especially since the baby safety issue has happened three times and he seems to not care about what you say. Do you think he's imagining you'll just go back to him?
I think he uses work to escape the boring parts of parenting and being an adult, and I'm probably resentful because I don't have that option. Its not like cleaning the toilet is the hilight of my day! If I was out of the house 7 days a week 12+ hours a day I'd be a terrible mother and anyway who woukd look after DD? but somehow it's OK for him? Equally if he had a 9-5 job earning half as much and spent every evening at the gym I think it would be more cut and dry. Sorry I think I'm just ranting at this point!
OP I don't think I'm as patient as the other posters.
The sex thing would be a huge issue for me. he nags and sulks if we don't have sex. He gropes me and I have to shove him off Once is a mistake but twice would be a dealbreaker. Irrespective of your baby, you should not be coerced into sex. End of.
Money would be a concern - you really need to sit down and discuss what money he is bringing in, especially as you are on maternity pay. If the business isn't making money then he needs a different job. If he's making stacks he needs to cut back and be a Dad not a billpayer. You need to know how much of a wage he is drawing and how much is going back to the business.
Of course he does no housework or planning because he isn't home.
The baby protection thing is just odd. Has he explained why he did it? Did they have cuddles and he fall asleep? Is he worried about her getting cold because she's smaller. Tbh you have a prem baby, he shouldn't be smoking anywhere near her. He can do it at work then come home and shower before he touches her. I don't blame you for being very very angry.
How much has he changed since baby came along? Have his hours changed? Has his attitude to you changed?
Your completely in the right with regards to the co sleeping, each to their own and not judging anyone but you have decided you feel it’s unsafe and he agreed he wouldn’t do it, so to then do it 3 times after promising not to is just showing how little he cares and how lazy he is.
I also think that MAT leave is to look after and bond with your baby, not to become the live in housekeeper. He doesn’t have to do everything he just needs to pick up after himself and when he sees something needs doing, he does it and not just think “oh iIalsolikepie will do that it’s not my job” it’s half his house and he’s a grown up.
Can you sit down and have a conversation about money? Have access to his accounts so you know what’s coming in and out? You shouldn’t have to ask for money really, your a family and the way I see it everything is shared.
Sevenstones sometimes I think in his head I'm off having my little temper tantrum and I'll come home if he says "I love you" enough times. But then other times I think maybe he is scared and doesn't know what to do.
Sleeping: if anything he seems to be working more certainly not less. I did bully him into taking off a few weeks when she came home from hospital - I wanted to make sure he realised how hard it is looking after a baby, I thought it would make him more considerate and avoid that trope of the husband coming home from work and complaining about the state of the house.
In regards to the co-sleeping the first time he didn't think it was a big deal, the second he said "but she likes it" and the third I didn't even ask I was too angry!
Sure, he loves you. But does he respect you?
He doesn't seem to accept your perfectly reasonable insistence on safe sleeping, and his attitude to sex is revolting. The money thing is also worrying - you should both have a good idea of where the money goes. And working long hours isn't an acceptable excuse for leaving all the housework to you. You say he doesn't have to work so many hours: he should be making more effort to pull his weight at home now that you have a child together.
If you decide to give things another try I think you need to be very specific about the changes you expect him to make, and warn him that if he doesn't make those changes within a particular time frame (three months?) you will be leaving for good.
Thanks Kitten I hadn't thought if it as a respect problem but that makes sense, I would never dream of doing anything he asked me not to, because it's just disrespectful!
I hate that I have to make a "list of demands" because it seems so manipulative but I'm not willing to leave things as they are so I suppose it's my only choice. Plus I do love him and don't want to hurt him which it defiantly will.
Maybe this will be the kick up the bum for him that having the baby was for me. It might be the sleep deprivation talking but I'm not terribly optimistic right now.
Working 100 hours is crazy and no wonder he fell asleep with the baby. And after all that work ye have no savings and dont own your own house. There is something badly wrong. Could you stay at dms and go into marriage counselling.
As for the sex stuff he is totally out of order and that is possibly the final straw.
From your initial post, you've probably accurately described 95 % of the country's ' husband ' population........
Might be best to hunker down at your Mum's for the foreseeable future....
Give you both some space and perspective 😗
Serialcheat I'm not sure why but your post made me laugh! I think it's because I completely agree and was so sure it would never happen to me - fucking arrogance eh?
I. Not convinced 95% of the countrys men do work longer when their baby finally comes home from hospital, sulks if they don't get sex and have to be pushed off, keep secrets about their income and repeatedly put their baby in danger.
Ialsolikepie not sure how long your little one was in and how traumatic her start was but it isn't unheard of for men to go weird when their confronted with their worst fears I.e. poorly poky baby. Talk to him. Don't consider going home until you are happy if at all but talk. You owe it to yourself to try
Op, I'm pretty sure in a few years time, you and your husband will look back on this time, and find it hard to remember what the argument was about, and all of you will be happy......
You are obviously and rightfully protective of baby, but sometimes this can obscure the the fact that we are all fallible and make mistakes.....
And your husband will mature into a loving and responsible father and partner......
You're angry and anger never makes a soft pillow......
On any other thread posters wound have gone mad over the fact that he pushes her for sex, sulks when he doesn't get it, has to be pushed off her. But now its ok because he'll mature??
I’ve had this, I’ve kids from two fathers and both deliberately ignored a safety thing with the baby that I’d specifically asked. It’s actually awful as the mother who has carried, given birth, spent sleepless nights to be so casually written off as being too cautious etc. It’s good to have strong protective maternal feelings!
I would take time out for a while. I understand you feel like you have the whole burden on your shoulders. A lot of couples do make it through. Could he stay somewhere else for a few months? You need to be in your own house bonding with the baby, not stressed out.
The sex thing on its own would be enough for me. It isn't his right.
The sex thing alone would have me leaving. He sounds a creep.
I don't understand how he can be working 100 hours a week and not have any money. What the heck is he doing with it?
If you sit him down and spell out very slowly how he needs to step up as a parent expect him to nod along to shut you up and I guarantee you will be having the same conversation again, and again. Sadly even when you go back to work ( even though he is self employed and could be flexible if he really wanted) it is very likely all the childcare juggling will be to you alongside your job.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but my h was my absolute equal right up until we had dc but since then his job was more important than mine, I had to work flexibly and we had the domestic not-pulling-his-weight discussion many times over the years but it fell on deaf ears. I am currently divorcing him even though he still thinks he is husband of the year.
So many of my friends husbands are the same and I realise that men are just fucking stupid and selfish.
Did I say that !? Did I infer that !? Did I say it's O.K. to sexually molested until such a time that he is mature enough to realise what he's doing is wrong....
Op, her husband, everyone gains perspective over time, but every individual has to own it and responsible for the outcome.....
I'm guessing you are about fifteen.......
In time, and with mountains and deep lakes of luck, in your case, perspective and maturity might come.....
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.