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Fed up and feel stupid

(105 Posts)
Longdriveahead Thu 12-Oct-17 20:36:45

Ok, please feel free to tell me I am being daft, I think it's what I need to hear. Been with my partner for a year, he moved in one month ago and we are very happy. He is loving and attentive and does his fair share of chores.
I own my home and after divorcing 8 yrs ago and working very hard whilst bringing up my two kids am now mortgage free. It a 4 bedroom new build and I am very pleased with it as is my boyfriend. We have our own bathrooms and it is very comfortable and I have had the garden landscaped etc. So I consider myself very lucky and see it as my reward for retraining and going without.
I see it as a home for both of us as I love him dearly. He gives me half of the bills which is just over £230 a month. I don't want to charge him more as I have no rent or mortgage and I want to share my good fortune with him. We split most other costs 50/ 50 too mostly from meals out/ drinks to items for house. For example he wanted a new Tv so we split the cost.
Here's the bit I feel uneasy about and I don't know why. He has been going thro a divorce ( they split well before we got together) and gave me the impression he had very little income as self employed. A week after he moved in I asked him if he still payed a percentage of mortgage etc ( his kids are both 18 plus) and he told me he was paying sixteen hundred a month , this covered the mortgage, the bills, food and a car loan. I was staggered. This had been this way for a year. The divorce is 6 weeks away and he is now paying half of this. This information is never offered , I always have to ask. The divorce seems amicable and he is being generous with the settlement. I have no issue with this. His reasoning is he is trying to keep us both happy but I don't feel happy, I feel a bit manipulated. He intends to keep living here with me as he loves it and loves me as I love him, but use his equity payout to purchase a buy to let flat. I guess I am just asking am I being silly in feeling a little odd about the situation.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 12-Oct-17 20:43:18

I suppose after he paid £1600 per month he did have little income?

It's very tricky if you are not openly discussing your finances.

I understand that people can keep things private but if I was living with someone I would be expecting a degree of transparency about their income and outgoings (I wouldn't move someone in without this info tbh)

So you need clarity it seems!

MiniTheMinx Thu 12-Oct-17 21:08:21

It would seem fair for him to share the rental property and income from it with you, but then it could be argued that your assets should be shared with him, if that was the case.

If he pays no more than half the bills, and the mortgage is paid off, is don't think he can make a claim on your property, so it would seem fair for him to have some assets/property of his own. I'd check this out though with a free half HR with a solicitor.

cresit Thu 12-Oct-17 21:09:48

Well something doesn't sound quite right but I'm not sure what.

He's certainly getting a good deal with you, but as you're a couple I'm not sure how you could expect more than half of all expenses.

LuckLuckLUCK Thu 12-Oct-17 21:11:48

It would feel to me like I was prepared to share my good fortune with him (by letting him live rent free) but he was not prepared to pass his good fortune ( i.e. Living rent free) back to me, by offering to pay the bills etc. In fact he is passing his good fortune to his ex wife (through the settlement) and to himself (by buying a buy to let).

Not sure if I've explained that well but it makes sense to me grin

Ellisandra Thu 12-Oct-17 21:14:34

Why on earth have you let him move in without understanding each other's finances?!

It's hard to understand exactly what the issue is here, because you don't actually say.

But I gather you've just discovered that he has more disposable income than you, and he's planning to use your generosity of living for peanuts at yours, to feather his personal nest via the buy to let, yes?

If so, he's taking the piss. You share the fruits of your labour with him, he should share his with you. And I wouldn't accept any "it's for our future" crap. You're just boyfriend and girlfriend. He could live of the fruits of your (past) labour in the rent free home, then walk away at any time with his nice buy to let.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that love is giving away your money.

The biggest thing that has me hmm is this line about him trying to keep you both happy. So - does this mean he's been lying to you, and is now trying to blame you for it?

FWIW, when my fiancé moves in with me, he'll pay no bills (Well, he says he's going to!) and he'll pocket all the income front renting out his place. We'll have a pre-nup, so I don't gain from his house at all (or him mine) if we split. But I'm happy with this because he earns less than me and we're absolutely transparent about finances. They are separate - but transparent.

It's OK to give a true partner your money. A boyfriend of just a year who has lied about his income and is using your money (in the form of subsidised housing) to turn a profit for himself - not so much.

Rainybo Thu 12-Oct-17 21:14:45

I think you feel uneasy for a reason.

He has moved in after you have been together for less than a year, you have let him live with you rent free and he is busy supporting his ex.

userxx Thu 12-Oct-17 21:20:18

Cocklodger or maybe just landed on his feet. Either way he's got extra funds to play with thanks to you.

Joysmum Thu 12-Oct-17 21:24:00

I think he's being very sensible to stay on the property ladder and good for him for supporting his family.

What would you have him do? He's paying his way. Do you want to make money off him?

At this stage you're trailing living together so I think it'd be mad to mingle your finances this early on.

LuckLuckLUCK Thu 12-Oct-17 23:15:16

Ellisandra said it much better than I did!

Longdriveahead Fri 13-Oct-17 07:43:40

Thank you for all your replies. Now I've had chance to sleep on it I think I'm a bit clearer . No I don't want to make off him but I don't want him to make off me either. I thought living together and being mortgage / rent free would enhance both our lives, together as a unit. Instead it just feels like he is able to enhance his ex generously. I guess I just feel a bit resentful and if I am brave enough to bring it up I am told that ' I'm money orientated' and 'what else is he supposed to do' and that he pays half of most bills. He says he's in a no win situation whereas I actually think he's in a very convenient place. Anyway thanks for your replies again . They have all been very helpful.

ferrier Fri 13-Oct-17 07:53:03

Why do you think he is enhancing his ex? Is the amount he pays her, court ordered spousal maintenance? Has the arrangement been agreed instead of a clean break? Is it in place until the house is sold perhaps at which point they each get a share of the equity?
He's absolutely right to get himself his own property with that money. When that point comes and he starts making money from it, then you should review your joint finances.

Longdriveahead Fri 13-Oct-17 08:13:39

I just think he's being dutifull. No court order / spousal / child maintenance in place. It's a signed 65/35 cut in her favour with car loans for her and their other child and her credit card payed out of the house sale. Also conveyencing/ estate agent fees for sale of house and her new home will come out of this first. No issues with this, that's between them and none of my business. Altho it seems he will cont to pay the mortgage as a minimum after the divorce whilst she lives in house and until she decides she is ready to sell.

Joysmum Fri 13-Oct-17 09:14:06

You say he's in a convenient place, but how?

He's supporting his kids home and the divorce hasn't yet gone through. That's hardly convenient to him!

You set the rules and told him he's to pay half, which he's doing.

He's right, he's in a lose/lose position. So what do you think would be fair? What do you actually want from him?

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 13-Oct-17 09:20:21

But surely he's investing in a BTL flat for his kids? If it's your house, and he's only paying half the bills, if anything should happen to you, your house would go to your kids and he'd be homeless. Or, if he could apply to stay in the property until his death (assuming you are both old by this point, hopefully), when he passed, it would still go to your kids.

So isn't the way to look at it, that the flat he intends to buy is his legacy to his children? Who may also be the ones getting the benefit from any rent (grown up children may still want money to get married, move, set up home, etc). Would you be wanting to pay for this?

Joysmum Fri 13-Oct-17 09:22:42

Exactly Zaphod.

Nothing is convenient to him, he's being very sensible and is stuck between 2 women who don't appreciate that the poor sod.

Bananmanfan Fri 13-Oct-17 09:23:16

I can't see that he's taking advantage. You have your house and he will have a flat. I do think once divorce and marital home sale are finalised you should discuss how you pool both of your incomes , including rental income.

cresit Fri 13-Oct-17 10:02:03

At the risk of sounding a bit 'girly', it would be nice if he paid for meals out or a weekend away occasionally. Just to show appreciation for living rent free.

Sounds like he wanted a new TV and you weren't bothered, he could have bought that as a house gift instead of you paying half for instance.

Longdriveahead Fri 13-Oct-17 10:02:15

Ok thanks for your replies. I don't really want someone living in my home, rent free, paying half the bills at best whilst contributing nothing else financially. ( every trip out/ meal is halved) so they can support another women and two very grown up children. You're right the best thing is for him to buy a flat and rather than let it out and live here , live there himself.
I know for sure that he won't be able to maintain his bills/ mortgage and hers too so a reality check for them both.
I feel I've been quietly supportive long enough. It's not wrong to want to put myself first . Brought up my own two kids and stood on my own two feet.

Longdriveahead Fri 13-Oct-17 10:15:57

With all respect Joysmum, he paying £60 a week all in , to live in a very nice house , sex, Sky, garage for his sports car, cooked meals , washing.... and you think he's under appreciated by me... 😬
I sm happy to support him, but not so he can pass it along to his family.
It's ok for me to feel I am important in this triangle too.

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 13-Oct-17 10:45:15

How did he manage financially before he moved in with you? Was he paying rent and bills on somewhere as well as paying his ex? If he was, then he can do so again.

Longdriveahead Fri 13-Oct-17 10:49:48

His friend let him live in his spare room, he then came to me. Dated for a year at weekends then he moved in 2 months ago. I had no idea he was always short of cash ( he has a good job) because he was paying out so much, altho by choice.

user1471449805 Fri 13-Oct-17 11:02:36

Would suggest he buys his btl flat and moves into it - let him see how much things actually cost when not being subsidised.

Then you sit down and discuss joint finances properly because you're obviously not happy with the situation you've drifted into.

Joysmum Fri 13-Oct-17 15:46:18

With all respect longdriveahead I've just asked you what do you want from him for you to be happy for him to continue to live with you and once again you've not answered.

You say he pays his share and you say you don't want to profit from him and yet you're upset he only pays his way confused So what exactly do you want from him for you to be happy for him to live with you?

If you reread my post again you'll see I didn't say you didn't appreciate him, I said you didn't appreciate his situation.

His divorce is still going through and he's offering his kids stability until then which is the responsible thing to do. I'm reading your posts as more the fact that you resent him doing that rather than him only paying his way. Is that wrong or can you answer what can he do for you to be happy with you both living together? Would you be happy if you suggested he pay more (if so how much) or is your underlying dissatisfaction that he's currently supporting his family whilst they go through the divorce process.

Until you can come up with what would be acceptable to you then you are setting him up to fail as he can't hope to meet your expectations if you can't even tell him what they are!

Indigo90 Fri 13-Oct-17 16:31:10

The bits which really stand out for me are the TV and the meals out. He's paying you his rent and not a penny more He wanted a TV so you paid half. When you go out its a strict 50:50. He's not into treating his girlfriend is he? I'd feel used TBH.

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