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Why do I hate the thought of dating?

(73 Posts)
Farontothemaddingcrowd Thu 12-Oct-17 19:17:05

I would love a relationship one day. But I've been let down so many times that I've become disllusioned. I've had a long relationship when he fell out of love and three short relationships where they all lost interest. The dating scene seems full of evasive and disingenuous people.
I'm done. But it's sad really as I do think I'd be a good partner for someone. I only feel dread though, when I think of ever dating again. I am too tired. I also feel v protective of myself right now. I guess I may not always feel this way. Anyone else feel like this?

BG2015 Thu 12-Oct-17 19:21:16

I have always said that if my current relationship failed I wouldn’t bother dating again. I’m 48 and I’ve spent a god proportion of my late 30’s and mid 40’s dating.

It’s awful. The effort it takes can be consuming. And the pool of decent men is very small.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Thu 12-Oct-17 19:26:05

How did you meet your partner?

tehmina23 Thu 12-Oct-17 19:26:33

I hate dating too but I really would like a boyfriend / future ltr maybe even a baby.
So I know I've got to get to it it's just difficult initially.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Thu 12-Oct-17 19:27:30

I just don't think it works for me

free2017 Thu 12-Oct-17 19:36:46

I have given up on dating as I am always the one to get . It’s too stressful trying to second guess how someone is feeling and why they have stopped liking etc . I have had practice at being single for 5 years and I think sticking to it is what is best for me for the foreseeable smile

Farontothemaddingcrowd Thu 12-Oct-17 19:42:13

I just think it shouldn't be this hard.

BG2015 Thu 12-Oct-17 19:47:07

I chatted to my partner on Match briefly and then actually bumped into him at the gym.

User7628 Thu 12-Oct-17 19:53:32

Depends what type of dating for me. OLD Is all a bit false really isn't it. Meeting some random person who you like the look of in the hope you might click. Everyone says it's a needs must but what did people do before online dating? I'm sure there are more single people now than ever despite the opportunities. I think OLD suits men. Not so much women.

I have only ever been in relationships with people I knew first through school, uni, work, hobbies etc. I like to build a connection before I go into dating people.

niceupthedance Thu 12-Oct-17 20:40:03

I read a survey in one of the magazines recently that said out of the respondents who did online dating, 30% had had a relationship from it and 12% had had a serious relationship - living together or married. That doesn't seem like great odds.

(Although I met my partner on tinder and we live together).

Farontothemaddingcrowd Thu 12-Oct-17 20:45:23

I've had 3 relationships from it. Guess I've done well

Blueberrysandgrapes76 Thu 12-Oct-17 20:47:49

It shouldn’t be that hard

Think of meeting a partner the same as meeting new friends. Make a bit of effort like joining a social group or something but don’t force it

NeedHelp1002 Thu 12-Oct-17 21:13:25

The problem with OLD is that some women don't know there self worth and often jump into dating after a relationship break down when really they should be working on their own self worth/esteem.
Some (but a lot) of men use OLD for hookups and sex even when they are actually attached/married.
I think if you have good self esteem then you will not take crap from anyone and basically turf the rubbish dates... they key is to multiple date which is actually what a lot of men do

ChristinaParsons Thu 12-Oct-17 21:21:42

I feel the same. It's very sad. I know I am a worthwhile partner but OLD is full of rejects. The good men are trying too hard with their high maintenance partners.

GinisLife Thu 12-Oct-17 22:07:27

And wait until you're in your 50's ! I swear you become invisible. I never used to have any problem pulling on a night out smileMy last proper ltr ended 7 years ago and whilst I have male friends they don't want a relationship (with anyone, not just me). I look on dating sites and men my age are hideous in the main. They don't look after themselves, haven't aged well and are batting well above their average with most women I should think ! I've given up. I'm better off on my own - and after all my years of hard work to get my lovely house, nice car etc why would I let someone live with me whose ex took them for everything and they're now back home caring for ageing parents because they can't afford their own place. No thanks. (Sorry I know I sound bitter and cynical)

Justaboy Thu 12-Oct-17 22:11:15

Strikes me there ought to be a better version of OLD more like the the old fashioned marriage bureau or an updated version of that perhaps?.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Thu 12-Oct-17 22:16:55

Ah I have a 62 year mum who has had a facelift and three nose jobs. She is not invisible and has millions of admirers. So shallow.

L0quacious Thu 12-Oct-17 22:21:19

I hear you. brew

After a break of 8 months I unhid my pof profile two nights ago. I got 13 messages. Because I have been round this block before I checked through them hopefully and every single one of them was awful. I don't just mean not handsome. I mean I could not in a blue moon ever grow to be attracted to a single one of them. I saw a few men on there with decent profiles who looked clean and if not attractive, well not unattractive so I added them to my favourites. Nothing. yet?
It is so time consuming and it never leads to anything other than another lesson learnt the hard way! why do I do this?!

MistressDeeCee Thu 12-Oct-17 23:14:15

And wait until you're in your 50's ! I swear you become invisible

GinisLife - Im 54. I met OH in an "eyes met across the room" situation when I was 49. My 1st real date after years with a cheating dickhead then 3 years on my own. I was totally disillusioned, never going to date again, read all the surveys re nigh on impossible to meet a decent man after age 50. But when I saw OH I knew Id have to meet up with him again

The dating scene seems full of evasive and disingenuous people

I agree with this OP. I tried OLD twice before meeting OH and thought never, ever again. I hear there are good stories but the friends I have who have been OLD for ages, go through hell. Some really hurrtful situations. Older men with paunches who want young women. Entitled men. Men who ghost. Men who don't actually seem to like women at all and are likely also reading the surveys out there so think a woman should think herself lucky to get a man

Then I read on other threads about women who are sitting there waiting on a man to text or Whatsapp I think omg, WHY are these men being allowed to get away with such lazy communication..whilst women are analyzing it all in will he won't he fashion, and others are saying well! He could be busy! Its only been 2 weeks! Instead of saying look, eff it he can't be bothered so move on.

I don't think human beings handle the perception of "too much choice" well. eg in online dating men simply don't know when to stop - so they don't stop/never really make a choice. Chocolate box mentality is rife. After all its easy nowadays, isn't it. I think there could be good men online but its 1 in every 100 rejects I wouldn't want to put in the time to sift

I wish OLD would be binned. Its skewering mindsets, making people think its representative of real life. It isn't. & its also givin tricksters too much free reign.

Read somewhere OLD is good for people who don't have time to meet a significant other - but for me if you've not got time to meet someone then you don't have time for a relationship. Similarly if you have commitments that mean you can't get out much ie young DCs then you also run the risk of being the convenient always at home booty call,

You need a thick skin and 100% self-esteem to cope well with OLD. I think meeting irl is better and its entirely possible if you put yourself out there, even via joining a meetup group and getting to socialise in different places.

If me and OH split, after a while I would be open to date again. I wouldn't do as I've seen many women do - hop up on their self-made shelf because of what a man's done, whilst said man isn't putting any aspect of his life on hold for his ex. You do have to do the self-care thing, its really important. But if you know you would like a relationship then its a case of getting out there

GinisLife Fri 13-Oct-17 09:46:35

Men definitely have the idea that it doesn't matter how old they are they can still aim for a relationship with someone 20 years their junior, so in my 50's that means someone well into their 70's. No thanks !!!! They're living in cloud cuckoo land !!! I've been stood up twice ! Me !!!! Stood up !!!!! 😂. Once by someone who messaged at 5.00pm asking if I was looking forward to the evening etc etc and at 7.30pm never showed up !!!! The other time by someone who said he was on his way and then never showed. Why ??? Why would they do that ??? I just don't get it. Oh, and I had the supposed widowed American IT consultant who ended up needing to fly abroad for work but had no money for his flight and wouldn't see his boy at Christmas - Probably sat in a Nigerian Internet cafe scamming women more likely !!! Grrrrrrr

NeedHelp1002 Fri 13-Oct-17 10:04:49

It does help to be exotic and pretty though my friend is black and pretty and had over 150 messages within a few days of joint a well know online site...

yetmorecrap Fri 13-Oct-17 13:34:40

I think reading all the storys on here about lousy partners and husbands is enough to put anyone off to be honest after a marriage or LTR. Social media and easy communication seems to have turned a lot of people (male and female) into complete disloyal dicks needing a constant positive buzz/ego stroke --when it comes to relationships and OLD seems to be rather a meat market in many cases based only on one picture . Women in particular are investing far too much effort into the odd 'match' --before they have even spoke to or met someone. I think some use it as entertainment/hobby to be honest (both sexes)

user1490465531 Fri 13-Oct-17 16:00:09

if your White middle age and plain you ain't got a hope with OLD.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 13-Oct-17 16:36:31

I'm mixed race, 37 and quite pretty I think. I have success with OLD I just get dumped!

Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 13-Oct-17 16:38:17

I also think that's untrue user. The 'exotic thing is a bit insulting and othering as well.

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