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I don't know if I'm onto something or paranoid.

(53 Posts)
mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 17:57:34

To start with I've been treated for depression and anxiety in the past, not for about two years though.

We had friends of mine stay last year, dh didn't know them before then. It was ok but glad when they left, he was keen to see them go.

Fast forward a few months and friend left a birthday message with a kiss on his fb wall. Nothing unisual in that but i didn't realise they were friends on fb although i have no reason to think anything of it and her dh has since added me as a friend.

I've seen friend several times since they stayed and dh has seen her maybe three times (with me)

dh works away a lot and over several months i've noticed when hes away him and friend are online on fb at the same time a lot. all through the day i see them online at the same time. i know she plays games online like i do but what i really noticed was they go offline at the same time.

I will see one online then the other one. I try not to think too much about it but then they go offline within a couple of minutes of each other. Over and over again. It's like one has sent the other a message and the other gets the ping or whatever and goes online to check or answer then they have their conversation and go off and do something else and so go offline.

I don't trust my gut as mn often tells us too becuase i get worked up about something and when I ask dh there's always been an explanation and i feel like a fool afterwards. when he's home he leaves his phone laying around and i have the password. i hate looking on his phone but when i have i havent found anything to support my suspicions.

i do have a tendency to get worked up over something and build it up to something huge in my head but can;t stop myself so i often dont know if i'm right or just creating a situation in my head.

While i was tying this post they were both offline and had been within two minutes of each other. dh came online and answered a message i sent him earlier and friend was offline. Now they are both online.

If i ask him i'll look like an idiot if it is just coincidence but if it isn't I've shown my hand haven't i?

I feel sick and on the edge of a panic attack the whole time.

they are both offline again now within 2 minutes of each other.

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 17:59:05

when i looked at his phone i wansnt looking for this friend. tht was last year i looked before he met this friend.

tocas Thu 12-Oct-17 18:00:37

Just ask him - it sounds like you're on the verge of making yourself ill over it.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 12-Oct-17 18:02:45

I think you need to look again, specifically for this friend.

That is odd. I don't think you're being paranoid to check out something odd that is actually happening (as opposed to just 'having a feeling' that he MIGHT be up to something so constantly checking and snooping iyswim).

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:04:32

what do i say though? I've noticed you and friend go on and offline at the same throughout the day? even to me that sounds absurd.
If he said that to me and it was coicidence i'd think he was weird. if i was up to something I'd make sure it didn't happen again and would use a differnt messaging app.

Also, with my problems i've had over the years I've asked him many times about things that don't seem right to me so it's not like me being suspicious is out of the ordinary

FizzyGreenWater Thu 12-Oct-17 18:04:55

But tocas if she just asks, he'll have an excuse. It isn't going to put OP's mind to rest.

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:07:40

fizzy their names are always near the top of the list on fb so i see them all the time.

I know she doens't work and plays lots of games online like me and also runs a busy fb page so theres no reason to wonder why she's online a lot. it makes sense. i've jus got myself worked up at them going offline within a few minutes of each other all the time.
Hes not home now hes away for another week

catnoir Thu 12-Oct-17 18:10:30

Don’t ask, if it’s nothing you will sound ridiculous. If it’s something it will give him the opportunity to delete anything and carry on more carefully. I think your only option is to check again very quickly to put your mind at rest and then put it to bed in your mind. Has your Dh ever given you reason to mistrust him in the past?

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:14:52

yes fizzy, and if i ask he'll delete and be more careful - if there is actually anything to worry about.

There was a situation a couple of months ago with an emergency situation in her village (she lives very rural). I was going to be unavailable for contact for few hours but i asked dh if he would mind if they stayed if they needed to. they live a couple of hours from us.

when i got hjome he told me they'd been talking about the situation. he was readingthe messages back to me in front of me then said she called him instead. i did notice the message he sent her was the first so i thought they hadnt been messaging before then after all. then my imagination got in and i thought ah, he knows i suspect and he's deleted the messages and is making sure i see they werent in contact before this.
i dont get any feeling that they are into each other or that she is unhappy in her marriage or inerested in dh. there's nothing to raise red flags outside the online/offline thing

tocas Thu 12-Oct-17 18:14:53


If my partner asked me the same thing I'd just show him my messenger app so he could see the messages to put his mind at rest

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:19:16

catnoir hes away and his phone is with him as is his laptop. i think if he's up to something and so open with his phone he'll make sure he deletes anything suspicious. then he would have to tell her he's home and not to message, which sounds a bit daft to me

no he hasnt really given me reason to be suspicious i think. I have been suspicious many times in the past and i've either snooped and found nothing or asked him and he's answered and not seemed to be hiding anything. he has said whn i asked 'my phone is right there and you know my password. i have nothing to hide'
i dont think theres another phone. we have a joint account and i do all the banking so would see if there was another phone account. i also look after his phone account anbd can see who he calls and texts

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:20:26

tocas if hes up to something surely he will delete any thing suspicious before he comes home anyway?

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:23:22

i wonder if i need medical help again. maybe i am slipping into another bout of anxiety and maybe depression too and if i wasn't i wouldn't think too much except strange coincidence. I find it very hard to be objective about anything when things are bad with my mh

TokenGinger Thu 12-Oct-17 18:32:23

I think this is massively obsessive and a huge coincidence. Facebook “online” is hugely unreliable. I’ve been in the room as my friend at the same time and she’s shown up online when quite clearly her phone is across the room.

My Facebook tends to show me online if I don’t manually close down the app.

I think you probably need to address your own insecurities if a kiss on a Facebook birthday posts sparks this.

I put kisses to anybody I wish happy birthday to.

greenberet Thu 12-Oct-17 18:32:47

I know what this feels like Op - I have depression too and know sometimes I can get carried away with myself and end up with the completely wrong end of the stick but sometimes I am also right.

Maybe you could keep. a record of the times and dates You notice this and seeing if there is any pattern _ did u say it was only when he's away from home or when he's at home too.

Then after you've got enough times noted down - say something like I know this sounds really silly but I have noticed you & friend online at same time etc etc what's going on with you two _ keep it lighthearted if u can and see how he reacts _ what he says and what happens on FB after .

Hopefully you are being paranoid - is there anything else going on in your life that could be affecting your depression

catnoir Thu 12-Oct-17 18:33:24

Mustang, it will be very hard to tell if it’s depression and anxiety or actually something up, without ruling out something up. I know and I’ve been there. You need to be sure you can trust your husband so you can concentrate on your mental health. To do that unfortunately you’ll need to check up on him. If he is supportive of your mh issues and has given you free access to his accounts can you not log into his fb account just to see if there’s active conversation between them? More than likely it’s nothing, he sounds like a good husband and then you might consider councilling for your trust issues and medication for anxiety.

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:36:18

also when hes home neither friend nor dh make any suggestions we should meet up or get together. they havent seen each other for 7 months and i know they havent seen each other without me even though i've seen friend quite a few times since. i would have thought that if they were up to something theyd woud want to see each other even if it meant having to meet as couples or even families.

a month or so ago she said he dh was working near me and could he stay. i don't think she realised dh was away. i called dh and asked him and he said he had no problem if friends dh stayed here without dh being here and i got back to friend and said it was no problem but just to be aware dh wasn't here and she just laughed. in the end her dhs meeting was cancelled and he didn't stay. The logical part of me says she didn't know dh was away so they werent messaging each other and if they were up to something would they really want me and her dh chatting away over a glass of wine and maybe talk about them? The paranoid part of me says it was all a smokescreen.

i sound like an idiot even to me

greenberet Thu 12-Oct-17 18:39:20

I've just reread your post if there is nothing else that you can link your depression too I think you may be right - depression is a message that our Brain is picking up on something that others don't see.

All my life I've been told I see stuff that isn't there _ by my x my DF but I know now I do pick up on stuff that others don't always see or get .

Nothing is a coincidence and as innocent as a kiss can sometimes be it may be the thing that gave the game away

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:45:41

token the kiss wasnt an issue as such just that i thought oh i didn't even realise you were friends on fb. They were guests in our house so why wouldnt they add each other?

greenberet only when hes away. when hes home hes busy and doesnt go online much. He leaves his phone laying around in the ktichen while he's doig other stuff outside or in the garage. when hes away i guess hes bored in the office. Friend is online a lot all the time. i have been taking screenshots of them online then offline.

catnoir i dont have his fb password and he doesnt have mine. i could check on his phone but it feels so wrong to do that. a couple of years ago i suspected he was messaging his ex and convinced myself he was still holding a torch for her and confronted him. he said yes he had been messagng her and made me look at his phone and the messages. it was completely and utterly innocent about an event abd he mentioned me in the messages. your last line is what the sensible part of me says. i went out with a friend earlier this week and we had a lovely time wandering round the shops and chatting and lunching and i felt good. the rest of the time i'm on my own and dont see people so i think i have too much tie on my hands

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 18:48:47

i put kisses on the end of messages when its a mans birthday sometimes. it wasnt the kiss that got my attention really. sometimes she has put a kiss to me or to other people. it was that they were friends on fb but i dont know why i was surprised. her dh added me so its not different

Dancingtothemusicoftime Thu 12-Oct-17 19:08:36

OP, I think you should trust your instinct and Greenberet is right - it can be the smallest thing that triggers a realisation. I reckon these two are hiding in plain sight - they had obviously established a sufficient connection for her to send that first message you saw, despite neither having met before.

For me it was - purely by chance - seeing an email from the OW to my H that was about their work (they were in the same team, who I also worked alongside). At the bottom of the email there was reference to a work event they had both attended. It was a business-like comment but she then added in brackets, 'Where it all began...'. At that moment I just KNEW although there was no other evidence I could find.

When I did raise it with him he came up with a pretty convincing reason for her comment but I was anxious and on high alert after that. But they never gave themselves away despite all three of us sharing an office.

It was only when I was seconded abroad for a few months that I got an anonymous phone call (thank god for that kind woman) when I was back in the UK for some leave. After that it all came out and months of hell followed but at least I knew that I was not going mad and what I had suspected from that one comment was real.

Don't challenge him OP but do keep your eyes open. I suspect your friend is no friend at all ...💐

mustangsilly Thu 12-Oct-17 19:22:58

dancing they didnt become friends on fb until after they had stayed at ours. they stayed for several weeks although they were doing their own thing with their family (we live in a holiday destination and they were staying while finding their own place a couple of hours away). nothing rang any alarm bells while they were here.
the birthday message with a kiss she posted on his wall, it wasn't a pm. her message was no different to many others that women posted on his wall for his birthday. she posted this months after they had stayed at our place and after we'd seen her and her family a few times since they'd left our place.

outside of this online/offline thing i really can't think of anything that raises suspicion. when she asked if her dh could stay at ours she didn't know my dh was away. they haven;t seen each other for months and i do know this for a fact and they are making no effort to see each other. dh isn't behaving any differently so i really dont know what i need to be looking for but i do know i'm driving myself mad at the moment.

Sunnyx Thu 12-Oct-17 19:39:28

You really need to get more concrete can't base someone cheating on just online/offline status. You will sound ridiculous if you mention this to him and it's not true. I know it's hard to forget something like this when a seed is planted but you need to check his phone to get your sanity back. Surely he would just change his password if he has something to hide rather than delete messages. So if his phone is unlocked, find an opportunity to check his phone and put this to rest.

The fact his phone is unlocked and he leaves it around the house is a good sign.

Haint Thu 12-Oct-17 19:53:12

There is probably a similar average time everyone spends on Facebook. Click on, have a quick scroll , answer a post log off. It’s probably much the same for most people. There’s probably similar points of the day when most people check. It’s plausible that Facebook usage would follow similar peaks and troughs throughout the normal day for average people

bellakjo Thu 12-Oct-17 19:53:57

Maybe if she plays games online he is too? E.g. scrabble or similar - a message pops up when the other person has had their turn. Maybe there's a game going on? Or maybe I'm just very naive!!

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