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Are we just too incompatible?

(3 Posts)
ZaraCC Thu 12-Oct-17 15:21:57

Hi there,

My boyfriend and I have been going out together for almost a year. We fell in love very quickly and from the beginning, I was sure that he was very special. He felt that same and things were really wonderful. We talked about being together long term very early on-he was incredibly eager but I held back a bit.

The problem is that we are very different people. We do have some key similarities that made it seem as if we were 'made for each other' at the start, such as an interest in certain aspects of culture and the arts-there were some fascinations that we both had that I had never met anyone who shared them before-we both felt as if we had found 'the one'. He was and is, the most loving and kindest man I have ever been with.

However, early on, for me it became clear that we had some very key differences. He has some very conservative values in relation to things such as casual sex and alcohol-I suppose he is quite straight-laced as a person. He also has some very strong political opinions on certain topics-he is very left leaning in these views. He is also extremely passionate about his views. I would be more relaxed in my attitude to these topics-I have always had a good time-have drank to excess many times and although I have never been into one night stands etc, I have had casual relationships. I have always felt quite similar to most people of my age in these regards. I have different political views also.

At the beginning, I remarked quite a bit that we were so different-it was something that worried me from the beginning. He dismissed this-I think he was so into me and eager for it to work. We used to joke about how straight-laced he was in comparison to me. In some ways, the aspects of his character did bother me-it sounds immature but I thought he was very old fashioned and a little 'vicar like'. However as time goes on, it has surfaced a lot more. We had some discussions in recent months on those kinds of topics and he got very defensive about his views and each time they have ended in an argument.
In our last argument, he said he was very worried about our compatibility, he also said that I was not as principled as him-we have different core values. I don't feel he is wrong in what he said about questioning our compatibility, but I suppose I feel quite betrayed as he had always said he loved me so much that differences didn't matter. In terms of being principled, I agree that he is a very principled person. But what he said hurts a lot as I am also a good person with clear moral values but I have never met anyone before who feels so strongly about certain topics. It also hurts as he loves the 'fun loving aspects' to my character, and it now feels I have disappointed him and am not really good enough.

We left things by agreeing that we would respect each other's opinions and not get into discussions about these topics anymore. However, I know he has strong doubts about this approach working.

Apart from these differences in opinion, our relationship has been mostly amazing. He is such a lovely man and we have so much fun together. Even though he is straight-laced in certain values, he is incredibly funny and so tolerant in most ways. He is easy going in every other way and I just love spending time with him. Lately these arguments have soured things, and it upsets me as I am usually easy going and non-argumentative. It upsets him so much as he hates arguments, but because he is so passionate about his views, a difference in opinion can lead to a proper argument.

I have come to terms with the fact that we are very different and I have decided that I need to accept the differences and not try to change him. I hold my hands up to say that I had hoped to change these views and get him to have a more relaxed attitude to things. He also feels that I have belittled his views and almost made fun of them and who he is as a person. Having thought about it, he is right about this and it was not nice of me and unfair of me as I have always thought of myself as a tolerant person. I think I was absolutely in the wrong in that regard as I chose to go out with him knowing his personality and it was extremely superficial of me to try to make him more like other men my age.

After our last argument, I decided that as I loved him so much, I need to accept how he is as that is the only way things can work. I am not going to belittle his views and not to try to make him 'how I think a man should be'.

I will never pretend to agree with something I don't, but I am not going to put his views down.

I think he has more doubt than me that things will work out now. I have pointed out to him that as his views are not so mainstream so it isn't as if I am unusual in differing in my opinions. Am I kidding myself that this can work? I love him so much and I do feel that we could have a great future together if we can just respect each other's differences.

Butterymuffin Thu 12-Oct-17 15:24:46

He doesn't sound like he respects your views and values. He has said outright he thinks they are less admirable than his.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 12-Oct-17 16:45:08

You're not compatible and it's only going to get worse. Cut your loses and end it on good terms.

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